Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
I am new here. In desperation I came online looking for someone who understand the pain. I usually close myself off to others, never speak of my troubles to friends (of which I have very few) or family ( I have very little and they know nothing of my struggles. I put on a smile and pretty shoes and head out the door when I have to. But I live in Hell at home.
Married 23 yrs. My husband always liked to drink. I really never thought too much about it as he was always a happy drunk, worked hard during the day. It started to take a turn maybe 3 years ago. He drinks straight whiskey. 3 bottles a week. He is falling down drunk every night. He pee's the bed, He pee'd the couch last night. If I make him sleep in the living room he will try to pee out the window but doesn't open the window. He sleep walks, goes outside, tries to go to work in the middle of the night. I am constantly waking up checking him. Tonight he is out in our camper sleeping. I saw him carry a full bottle out there. I am sure there will be troubles later on. Thankfully we are out in the country with no neighbors.
I hate to admit I hope he drinks so much that he wont ever wake up. I want a divorce. I have asked him to leave, he won't. I only work part time, We are up to our ears in debt, We owe more than we own. My home has always been my sanctuary. We built it ourselves and it's the place I love. I have 3 rescue dogs, I love them more than anything. They are my life. With no money and 3 dogs (who are used to living in the country and could never live in town) where do I go???
I pray sometimes that he will die. I know how awful that sounds. Praying to God to kill my husband! Really, I guess I will be the one to go to Hell. How hateful I am. He will never ever quite, This I know!! So, I pray for his death or the lottery so I can leave and still give my dogs the home they are used to. I know this sounds crazy! You all must be saying to yourselves "Who let this lunatic in our group" But that is how very desperate I am. I could kill him with my bare hands.
I am at a breaking point. I feel like I am on the verge of a nervous break down. I fear we will end up in a tragedy.
Married 23 yrs. My husband always liked to drink. I really never thought too much about it as he was always a happy drunk, worked hard during the day. It started to take a turn maybe 3 years ago. He drinks straight whiskey. 3 bottles a week. He is falling down drunk every night. He pee's the bed, He pee'd the couch last night. If I make him sleep in the living room he will try to pee out the window but doesn't open the window. He sleep walks, goes outside, tries to go to work in the middle of the night. I am constantly waking up checking him. Tonight he is out in our camper sleeping. I saw him carry a full bottle out there. I am sure there will be troubles later on. Thankfully we are out in the country with no neighbors.
I hate to admit I hope he drinks so much that he wont ever wake up. I want a divorce. I have asked him to leave, he won't. I only work part time, We are up to our ears in debt, We owe more than we own. My home has always been my sanctuary. We built it ourselves and it's the place I love. I have 3 rescue dogs, I love them more than anything. They are my life. With no money and 3 dogs (who are used to living in the country and could never live in town) where do I go???
I pray sometimes that he will die. I know how awful that sounds. Praying to God to kill my husband! Really, I guess I will be the one to go to Hell. How hateful I am. He will never ever quite, This I know!! So, I pray for his death or the lottery so I can leave and still give my dogs the home they are used to. I know this sounds crazy! You all must be saying to yourselves "Who let this lunatic in our group" But that is how very desperate I am. I could kill him with my bare hands.
I am at a breaking point. I feel like I am on the verge of a nervous break down. I fear we will end up in a tragedy.
I am still there.
I can not control what he does I can only control me and how I feel.
If he get violent call the police. Start making a plan for you. I had to leave my
Home we too built. Starting over is tough my sanity was more important
Then my house.
As far as credit I have none he has taken care of that. Drinking with his
Friend leaving all the bills on me ..yes I hate to say it I'm worthless right now
But it will not be forever.
At one point I had a very high credit score...no more..but it wlll be back
Just will take me a while.. same with you be patient with your self but make
A plan to help yourself too. It took me quite a few years
I can recommend two books that I have found very helpful- that focus on us. The first is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and the other is "Empowered Recovery" by Doug Kelley. I found them eye opening and inspiring. I no longer look for the hidden alcohol - I decided that wasn't how I want to spend my time, and it was detrimental to my health- anxiety, stress, anger. I decided it was time to focus on me. Best of luck to you.
Right now it does look like a long road for you, but if you get started on it now and not two years from now you will be there sooner. There's help, attend Al-Anon, see a therapist, talk to your family if possible, or friends, seeing a lawyer can be helpful too. Sometimes you have to confide in someone, if anything they can give you objective and sound advice. Please don't delay, it took me two years to file for divorce after leaving my AH, I am wishing now I had made the decision a year prior, I'd be in a better place today than I was then. I'm not suggesting you file for divorce - am just suggesting you develop a plan for your life and begin to make it reality. It can't be done in a day so you might as well get it started now.
Keatmax is right, it is time for you to focus on you!
Sending hugs.
Do you end up cleaning up after your husband when he pees in the bed or over the house? Does he think that peeing in the bed or on the couch or on the wall is in anyway normal or acceptable behavior? It's sad how sick they get, how deep the denial is, and how much we have to put up with. You are not a lunatic for wanting him dead -- sounds pretty sane and normal to me, considering what you are dealing with.
Build your support system. DS is a good place, but finding someone you can talk to in person, whether a group or a counselor would help you as well. Keep taking positive steps forward! You are not alone!
My father died years ago but I remember my mom did not cry. He too was a long
Thine ah I would see him go from mellow to violent. We would have to run from the house
And hide ...hide guns knives . My mom Would work and come home to a drunk husband
To care for and God know he was more demanding then any of us. He would get violent
If his food wasn't ready in time . Bless her heart I know she loved him but in those
Years there was no help around so she was stuck. We as children would beg her to
To leave but she had no choice.
I guess that was when I decided I would only put up with so much. I am married to A Ah but I have left live in a seperate home I have found my peace.
My husband is now suffering in pain due to his choices in life.
Exjerseygirl, Thank you for the words of encouragement. You have all helped already so much. Just getting me through last night.