Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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Lindsay87 12/09/2016

I just found this site through my frantic search for resources and information and treatment, etc. Reading through, I see so many people who have been married and dealing with an AH for many many years and it's scary because their stories and questions resonate with me on a very fresh, very real level. I am struggling to see the point of fighting for my marriage if "this" is just how life is going to be. I don't know how to not sound selfish, so I'll just say it: I don't want to waste my life and my daughters' childhoods on his problem. We've been married less than a year and there have been so many "episodes" already that I can hardly see straight. He has torn me down as a woman and a mother, he has bled me dry financially, my kids have had to stay at a friend's on several occasions because of things he had done to or in my home (he moved into my house I had owned 5 years before he came along). I went from being a strong, happy, healthy single mom to this sad, overweight, overstressed, zombie who doesn't know where to turn or what to do. I'm here to find others going through (or have gone through) something similar so I can tell myself "ok, self, you're not crazy... this isn't unheard of and this isn't normal."

CeeCee4 12/09/2016

I think that is the hardest part of being married to an alcoholic. It's hard to get your head wrapped around that this is not normal this is dysfunction this isn't right that you have to suffer through this and you're not alone. It sounds to me like he is an a****** and it might be better for you too think about how much effort you want to put into your marriage. Everybody is different some people stay with her alcoholic spouse for many years and try to fight for them to be sober While others get up and walk away very quickly and live a better life so the question you have to ask yourself is how much are you willing to fight for your marriage? It sounds to me like it's already on the side of not wanting to work it out.

CeeCee4 12/09/2016

And the one thing that we have to realize to as someone who is married to an alcoholic is it is ok to put your boundaries up and say this is not OK I am not happy I cannot live the rest of my life like this and make this known to your spouse help them understand that you can't live like this anymore and that if they don't get help or things don't change then there will be divorced. I think a lot of us get scared when you think about separating or leaving our spouse because we'll be on our own and it will be difficult it's always messy going through a divorce I don't think anybody wants to say yeah I want a divorce and then you through alcoholism in the mix and it just makes things way more complicated. Just know that you're not alone and this is a good resource all the women and men on here have been very supportive. I would definitely look into local support groups like Al-Anon in your area. When you start to hear other people's stories you realize you aren't alone and it gives you the strength to make the decisions that you need to

Lindsay87 12/09/2016

Thank you. It's confusing... I came out of an abusive relationship 9 years ago and I spent years picking up up the pieces of myself and building a wall around myself, you know? Protecting my heart and focusing on my kids. When I let down my guard and let AH into my life, it seemed right. But as I look back I see the same pieces and I'm struggling to find a good enough reason to stick it out. I love him, sure. But the guy I love only comes around for maybe a week or two, and then he has one beer with a buddy. Then he "has to stay late" at work, then the mocking me starts, then a few fights as the tension thickens.

Lindsay87 12/09/2016

Then I say just the right thing and he blows up, leaves to binge drink (I'm talking 3 bottles of vodka in 1 day and he almost killed himself), driving while drunk and blaming me for everything that's wrong in his life. A few days pass, he apologizes and begs for my forgiveness, declares he will never drink again, I take him back, then we are back to him being a nice loving man until the next cycle.

gabby2100 12/10/2016

All I can say is JESUS! I came to this site wondering if I am 'about' to deal with the same thing. I'm not married to him yet, but I'm beginning to ask questions about his drinking habits and his reasoning (don't get me started on that) and how he acts after he hangs out with his 'friends' whom I've never met. I pray for you to have strength to do what is necessary for your sanity and that of your children. You've given me my answer.

Jen77 12/13/2016

Sounds to me like he's emotionally abusive. Frankly, abuse on any level is not ok. It's unhealthy for you, and very unstable for your kids. I've stayed with my AH husband all these years because at his worst he just passes out on the couch and isn't present. I love the asshat so much, and that's the only reason I've stayed to fight this never ending battle with him. But if he was abusive on any level, I would leave. We have kids too, and they will always be my priority over him until they're grown. And abuse usually escalates. I'll keep you in my thoughts, and keep us updated!

mtsky11 12/18/2016

Lindsay87 this resonated with me on so many levels. I have gone through this same cycle of episodes for many years and I'm only 31. I don't want to live out my life and look back and wonder what I have done and realize I wasted my life away putting up with something I don't deserve. Every time its the same thing, something sets my husband off, he binge drinks for days, mocks and insults me, then sober's up and apologizes saying he will stop drinking. There are periods where things are good and the man I love and married is around but then he starts to get angry and the drinking binge starts soon after.

We have been through it all, because I am a very forgiving person. Drinking, lying, affair while I was pregnant with our first child, and I always forgive him. He knows it and I feel trapped. As CeeCee4 said this is not "normal" but the thought of dealing with a complicated messy divorce is daunting.

I hope you and I both find support in this group.

jennfur25 12/18/2016

I am so sorry! It sounds like this man is ruining your life! As women, we already have so many stresses and responsibilities! The last thing we need is another child to babysit. My life is empty, sad, and I feel like I can't fulfill my dreams. It sucks! We can't have more children because he drinks so much, and that is truly what makes me the maddest! He is taking my dreams away from me! It's easier said then done, but if you don't share any children together I would get out ASAP! For you and your kids! Children should be able to live a carefree, innocent life! Not a stressful, scary one because of the poor choices we make. We are hear for you! I hope you find the strength needed to find the strong woman who once lived inside of you! She is still there!!!!!!❤️

jen629 12/18/2016

Wow this sounds exactly like my life right now. I feel like my life was ripped out right from under me and I didn't see it coming

harrisbaby 12/19/2016

It's never selfish to take care of yourself first or take care of your daughter. That's what he should be doing: taking care of himself first. He must want to change for himself first. I can tell you from experience; your sacrificing your life will not be enough for him to make a change. They often ruin your life but rarely say 'I'm ruining my wife's life and they're giving me everything. I must be the problem and I need to turn around before I lose the woman who loves me.' All you have control over is yourself. Please take care of yourself and your daughter, especially emotionally.

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