Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

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DSTRICK 06/05/2018

Soooo, I'm experiencing unusual behaviors out of my AH, a few weeks ago it was him lying to me that he hadn't started to drink again after being sober for 2 weeks. I just over looked it that maybe he was affraid of disappointing me. Well this past weekend he text me after coming home from work, started out nice by letting me know he was home and he loved me. Then he stated that "he had met someone" and was holding till he could find out if we were done! I responded that I could understand if he thought he needed someone in his life other than me to be happy, (trying to understand since i've been giving him the cold shoulder for months due to his drinkin!) he thanked me and within 5 mins he text me to go F who ever I wanted! So then the mood changed in me to extremely pissed off.... I'm trying to understand why he needs to turn to another woman after 31 yrs just because i've had enough of giving in and allowing his addiction to control me and everything around us. Oh and did I mention that this woman claims to be OK WITH HIS DRINKING!!! All I can think is she's as nieve as I was 30 yrs ago or better yet shes a drinker herself. Why would anyone want a man that clearly is an alcoholic and you can definitely tell by looking at him. Maybe his sweet lovable sober side caught her eye, since that has to be the time he's met her because he's working on a shut down at his job and working 12 - 16 hr days 7 days a week for the past week and a half. And before that he's always home 45 mins to an hour after his normal work hours. Just enough time to stop for a bottle and drive home. He's not into the bar seen any longer he got out of that years ago. I'm definitely having mixed fellings with this, as i've prayed so long for God to move in away to make this easier on me, i'm always more considerate of his feeling than my own and it's so hard for me when he's sober to just forget about telling him its over rather than hurt him. This really hit me hard as i'm thinking he has to be just telling me this to try and force my hand, but what if its true and he has met someone... The hurt and anger that i've spent my entire adult life catering to this man and making excuses for his behavior. He says he loves me, but looking for my replacement instead of doing the one thing that he knows would at least help our marriage. Hard reality is he doesn't wanna give up the bottle for the person that he claims to love more than life its self and i'm not willing to sacrifice myself anymore.

bernb 06/10/2018

I am so sorry you are going through this DSTRICK. You are completely right, he is not willing to give up the bottle for anything or anyone. No matter how much he cares, the bottle will always come first. And the only reason he may be looking at another person is because he can continue to live in denial that much longer.

I think my husband is also trying to force my hand. We haven’t been married as long, but he recently lost his job because of his alcoholism and he still refuses to think he has a problem. Every time he drinks, he escalates and I don’t know how much more I can take. His sober self vs. his drunk self gives me so much whiplash and heartbreak.

I hope you find your happy. You have put so much of your life into someone else, you deserve to find your own happiness.

DSTRICK 06/11/2018

Thank u Bernb, we all deserve it no matter how long any of us have dealt with an alcoholic. Its just so ridiculous the crap we have to put up with. Good luck on your journey!

Forestcat 06/17/2018

This sounds SO familiar! I'm just going through a similar thing. My H has been a really heavy drinker/alcoholic for 20 years due to work stress and lack of self esteem. Last year he was made redundant - in a horrible way, undermined, big shock. He totally lost self esteem and started drinking more and more. My mother was seriously last summer and i had to look after her away for 2 months, during which time my H finished work and went for it with the drinking. I discovered that his first girlfriend (who is anorexic, serious anxiety disorders, regular suicide attempts) had contacted him via Facebook and basically worked on him with flattery til they met up in November and he just went for it with the relationship. He was desperate to give up alcohol and escape anything to do with his work so he's ditched all his friends as well. He's kept off alcohol for 5 months and they're supposedly 'helping each other' but I've been told that a chemical called dopamine is released during an affair or first stages of love, it's the same chemical that's released when people drink alcohol - the feel good chemical! But it wears off, then there's trouble again unless they've REALLY sorted their drinking. My H is just avoiding his own problems by getting involved in all her dramatic problems. Now he's moving out and wants a divorce. I feel exactly as you do that we suffer so much, give up everything for them and their alcoholism and then they do this to us AND do what they should have done for our marriage, but for someone else. I got some clarity when I went to a family support group the other day - they told me that alcoholics need our attention and sympathy and when they're not getting it they look for it elsewhere. That's what's happening to us - you really need to think about YOU and let him sort himself out, you've suffered enough. Wishing you the best.

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