Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
I too came to this group at the invitation of Chukarfan. I am a recovered alcoholic, wife and mother and a member of the DS Alcoholism group.
After reading several of the posts and stories here and comparing them to the posts on the Alcoholism forum, I find one very striking common thread - DENIAL.
The Alcoholism board is full of people posting who are in denial. People who don't think their drinking is really a major issue because "I only drink on weekends", "I've never gotten a DUI", "I still have a job and make good money", "My spouse is still with me" ad nauseam.
I see the same kind of denial in the posts here. Wives posting "it's not that bad, he isn't violent", "he's great when he is sober", "I still love him", "He's a good father and provides for us", "I have to stay for the children", ad nauseam.
The disease of alcoholism is progressive; it always gets worse, it never gets better. The alcoholic is a very sick individual - spiritually, mentally and physically. And the disease is contagious. You may not become an alcoholic drinker, but you and your children will be infected by this disease and grow sicker also.
Ladies, nothing changes if nothing changes. Until an alcoholic feels the consequences of his disease, he will not change. Until my husband divorced me and was granted custody of our children, I was not willing to make a change. Don't waste your energy trying to change the alcoholic. Make some changes and you can change your life. And save your childrens lifes at the same time.
After reading several of the posts and stories here and comparing them to the posts on the Alcoholism forum, I find one very striking common thread - DENIAL.
The Alcoholism board is full of people posting who are in denial. People who don't think their drinking is really a major issue because "I only drink on weekends", "I've never gotten a DUI", "I still have a job and make good money", "My spouse is still with me" ad nauseam.
I see the same kind of denial in the posts here. Wives posting "it's not that bad, he isn't violent", "he's great when he is sober", "I still love him", "He's a good father and provides for us", "I have to stay for the children", ad nauseam.
The disease of alcoholism is progressive; it always gets worse, it never gets better. The alcoholic is a very sick individual - spiritually, mentally and physically. And the disease is contagious. You may not become an alcoholic drinker, but you and your children will be infected by this disease and grow sicker also.
Ladies, nothing changes if nothing changes. Until an alcoholic feels the consequences of his disease, he will not change. Until my husband divorced me and was granted custody of our children, I was not willing to make a change. Don't waste your energy trying to change the alcoholic. Make some changes and you can change your life. And save your childrens lifes at the same time.
You really DON'T know another person's situation, especially from a board such as this, which covers one subject at a time, from people in crisis.
One of my anti-favorites when my AH was alive was smug people taking me aside and saying confidentially, "He really should go to rehab."
I __knew__ that. There was no way to make him. And yes, I was letting him live with the consequences of the disease. I am a widow. And if I hadn't let him live with the day to day consequences, I would STILL be a widow because it was his decision to kill himself, albeit slowly. All the judgemental cr^p did was make me angry, not give me incentive to change.
No one would tell the victims of Hurricane Katrina that if they just stop being in denial about it, things will get better. "The shack we have is better than the cold outside," "At least none of us was seriously hurt," etc. would be seen as an optimistic response to a bad situation. Married to alcoholics, many of us KNOW he is not going to change for us and are coping with the best use of the resources we have.
I don't see how stating the truth equates to being in denial. I've said all those things and they are FACTS. AND I'm fully aware it can and quite likely will get worse at home. There is also the possibility that it will get better. Alcoholics can go into recovery, as you yourself have proved.
Be careful judging others by your own experiences. We are all different and you don't know exactly what's going on in my home, in my mind, and in my heart.
Ladies, don't waste your time and energy on this.....We do not need anyone to tell us what to do, we just need each others support for what we are going through.
You have archived a great success in your own recovery from alchoholic, and you should be proud of yourself. However, it is not necessary to put others down to bring yourself up. You are free to read the postings on this webstie and feel anyway you want, but your "observation" of others should have been kept to yourself. If you really care about others who are suffering, sharing your own experience in how you overcame your disease would be more welcomed. All of us are suffering and trying to support each other, and we do not need to hear from someone who can not be a positive influence.
Good luck with staying sober. Hope these replies are not causing you to start drinking.
Just as the AH has a choice, so do we. We all stay. We all accept their wrong doings because all in all it is a disease. But whom is to say that; that is what you deserve. If my husband beat me on a daily basis is that ok because he has a disease in which he has anger management issues?? No....that would be rediculous to make any excuse to stay in that relationship. You stay, as do I, because you are sick. You are in denial, you make excuses over money, kids, family, freinds. Any sane person would leave no matter what. There are always places to stay where you can get back on your feet. There are ways out always! You have no power to change them. Nothing you do, say, act, think, pray will make them change. Your love is not enough.
This is a forum in which we can vent, seek help, seek someone to actually understand the pain and hurt we feel inside. But the only way to make that pain go away is to leave the AH. I'm in the process of leaving. Hardest decision?....absolutley. Do I still love him? Totally! Why am I leaving? I know I'm sick too. I would stay if there were no children involved, that's how sick I am, its really not that bad (yeah right). But I know my daughter deserves more. She deserves a happier home, she deserves a mom that gives her 100% of her energy and not a mom that needs to take care of an AH too. House is oficially sold. I have to out on January 13th. I dont have anywhere to go. Not a penny to my name. I recently lost my job. I have never been so scared in my life. But I know that God has a better plan for me. I know that he didn't put me here to help an AH. I know deep down that it can only get better. It takes a strong person to live in a house for that long. I know I'm strong enough to move on then.
And as for ScarletAngel your attempt to make some of us see that we are in denial are just lost words unfortunaltey, just as trying to get an AH to quit your words are lost. My one concern for you is that the program does not allow for judgement on others. Perhaps words of advice would have been more tasteful.
Saying someone else is "sick" for not making the same decision is not ok.
I will say that I feel my ex AH is my addiction and the only way to overcome an addiction is to get away from it and avoid any tempting situations while in "recovery". Maybe I'm wrong, but that is how I feel about my ex. Even now, I know I am vulnerable to him. So I'm working on staying out of contact.
For all that are thinking or planning on getting out, I do recommend that when you do get out, stop contact. I have come to realize at least for me, that is the only way I am going to get over him.
Read your post a few times before I responded. I am married to an alcoholic. Over the past two years he has sought help wherever it was offered. His periods of sobriety continue to become longer and longer. and his periods of drinking continually become shorter. Was I in denial? Yes! Am I now? No. I realize that if he was to go on a binge that lasted for weeks on end he would not only be damaging himself but the rest of his family..as the stable sober one I would have to either leave or ask him to leave to protect us. Does his drinking cause us pain? yes. Will I continue to let his drinking effect us daily any longer? no. Hope and faith is what I have....with a large dose of reality as well. Even if I do leave I will continue to have hope and faith that one day he will be well again. For himself and the children. I personally know a few couples who have gotten through it...married 25,30 + years and happy for many of them. I also know many couples who are not battling addiction issues and who's houses are toxic... filled with anger, yelling, silence....damaged children. No marriage is easy...or not many. If a spouse will not admit that they have a problem, are verbally and physically abusive, continually emotionally unavailable, than yes, absolutely you should leave. If I was at a point in may marriage that the only happiness I thought i could find was to leave that marriage, I would leave too!!!! You sound like a very strong women who deserves to go and find some peace and happiness! Good luck!
As for the original post by scarletangle. I was irked by it because I felt that she was being intrusive. I joined this group to share my feelings, vent and maybe see situations in a new light through someones else's eyes and experiences. I don't understand why she came and posted. I don't see where she is the wife of an alcoholic....I would not go and post on a board for alcoholism and tell them that they are in denial and what they should do about it. Not my business. I honestly felt like she was reading all of our posts and judging us.
Isn't life hard enough??? do we really need to beat each other up?? we are all here because we are struggling...
there is NO EASY answer for any of us. we are all doing the best we can - with the skills we have at the moment....
I hope and pray in time - I myself - will have more joy in my life... that is truly what I am striving for...
JOY JOY JOY down in my heart - where? down in my heart - oh I have JOY JOY JOY JOY down in my heart... Sing it with me... :)
peace to all.... ahhh big sigh.... : )
btw I sang along with your song...now my little girl is walking around saying joy, joy, joy. Thanks for the smile!.