This is a new feeling for me... married for 31 yrs to my AH can’t remember when he hasn’t drank but to hear him he just started 10 yrs ago. We’ll our oldest child is 30 and I know he drank and left me to pick up the pieces when he was just a baby so yes it’s been majorly of our marriage.  I give in to every drunken argument and pretended I was alright for so long that I can’t even pretend anymore and I’m in a low place right now. Not knowing if I’m to blame for our failed relationship or was it the alcohol. Still even with the drunken days he’s a good provider but that doesn’t make up for the lonely days and nights I’ve spent due to him drinking till passing out.  All I ever wanted was for him to love me and wanna spend time with me like he did his whiskey! The past 2 years I’ve changed. I don’t care anymore, he can continue to kill himself just leave me out of it.  I can’t leave financially at this point and I’ve never wanted to be thet person that takes everything and pushes him out of his home.  He’s worked hard and continues to work hard and it just doesn’t seem right! Is it awful of me to have wanted the attention from him that I never could get that I’ve gotten caught up in someone who gives me the attention that I’ve begged for for soooo many years?? Feelings growing for a friend of many years who’s listened when all I needed was to vent. We live in different states hours between us but talk daily. He’s my support group as I have been his also through tuff times. Nothing more than friends will probably ever come of this but it feels good to have him in my life. Talking to him I feel like I’ve lived under a rock for years not experiencing much. So I’ve decided to live my life experience things. Life is short all I want to do is live and know some kind of normal or happy! Is that bad? Does anyone else think of a life without alcohol? I know I probably will never be in another relationship since I can’t bring myself to make him leave and he will never just go on his own.  Why do we have to be the bad guy?