Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
My husband and I have been together 16 years, married 10, have one daughter and another child on the way. In our 20s we had a great time and drank but rarely excessive (Halloween or st Patrick's day maybe but just beer when we went out).
Fast forward to entering our late 20s and having a child. After my daughter went to bed, sometimes before, my husband had a scotch to unwind from work. Then two. Then wine with dinner. Then a full bottle of wine. We had just started trying for a second baby and I asked him to cut back (I hated him drinking around our daughter and getting pregnant again was proving to be difficult this time).
He said he was done but I'd notice him acting drunk at night still. One day needed something from his car and found 2 bottles of scotch, empty. Approached him and he had an excuse (from a concert). Snooped occasionally, more bottles. More excuses, blaming me for not trusting him and he's 32, he can drink when he wants anyway.
We finally had to undergo fertility treatments to get pregnant again so we had a heart to heart. The secret drinking HAD to stop, the stress was about to be done so let's be happy and healthy.
Now I'm 2 months pregnant and go to his car to get my daughters cup. Found 2 bottles of vodka. He swears up and down they're from a work party and he stashed them in his car and had reasons why. He bought me flowers after I threatened to leave. Now he's passed out, probably unaware I'm sleeping in our spare bed.
Am I an idiot? He is WONDERFUL when alcohol isn't involved. Supportive, funny, will do anything for us. But this is turning me into a paranoid person, I walk past his car and twitch to know if he's been lying again. Do you leave for this?? Part of me is ready but gosh why can't he change... needing support from anyone who has been here.
My only saving grace was that I left him last october for two weeks when my husband shoved my 9 year old and taunted him. The hangovers are sometimes worse then the drunken rants. None of my heart to hearts worked,, it is meaningless.. but one thing I learned that may be useful to you is this.. "you can't change anyone's behaviour" and that an alcoholic has to hit rock bottom before they will make any changes. So .. I decided to come back to him after much negotiating.. after he followed my list of changes,, first I opened my own bank account with my pay being deposited, he had to trade in our truck and buy his own (both vehicles were in my name) .. he had to have his cell phone in his own name and the list goes on. You might have similar or your own things to consider, I also went to a women's resource centre to get some info 3 months before I left,, I thought why not prepare myself for the worst so that if push came to shove,, I could leave relatively fast. I packed a bag with essentials and hid it in my van. I consulted my doctor, my principal (my boss), one colleague and one family member. It was hell, and I suffered post traumatic stress once I returned and but I Got through it... I am back in the cycle. I will have to start over again. I have heard stories of people recovering and getting back on track,, but I am losing hope and feeling a little helpless again. But surround yourself with positive supportive people. Be honest with yourself, consider what you done to enable the behaviour? Change it.. I am a an adult child of an alcoholic father and learnt all the tricks of the trade. Now I am seeing a psychologist with cognitive treatment to maybe reset my buttons .. help me move forward and stop from teeter tottering in this very unhealthy cycle. Lotsa of love and courage , it can be very lonely . Maggie