Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

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jms7229 09/13/2017

after 36 years of marriage to an alcoholic I could not be sadder, or more angry and frustrated. After so many broken promises, halfhearted attempts ar sobriety, and years of emotional manipulation - alcohol wins. When drinking, he is a monster and his aggressiveness is elevating. Screaming at me for hours with name calling and criticisms etc. most of which is bullshit ( how bad am I supposed to feel for leaving the scrub brush in the shower stall?)

he doesn't work, on disability for back problems. We can barely afford to keep our home so we are about to close on this house and move into a condo. This should be a happier time for us. He cannot handle any part of it with dignity, and drinks his way through the things we need to take care of. Yesterday he called me at work, drunk of course, he cut his finger and couldn't find the bandaids..... since I am packing our things the bandaids had been moved to a different location. He couldn't seem to follow the directions as to wehere they were.... I got home later to find the bedroom door torn from the hinges!!!! Because I should stock bandaid to fit his wound ( I almost laughed)

Today he called me at work, drunk of course, because he couldn't forward an email to the insurance agent. He couldn't understand how a Halloween party invite " got attached " instead. After trying to understand what he was talking about I just had him forward the document to me and I took care of it. I'm sure he hasn't followed up so I will need to do that as well.

We had dinner plans with friends of mine, when I got home and he was in drunk character, I cancelled. Got the screaming routine. I tried not to engage, but after a while I cannot take it. I was calling my son, just to have a sympathic ear and perhaps a place to go for a few hours., AH goes berserk. Slaps me. When he sees me go for my phone he runs upstairs ( coward )and passes out. I rarely involve my grown children, but lately AH has become more aggressive and threatens violence. Last time my son came over ( and my husband hid in bed) my son and I just talked and didn't wake the asshole. This time, however, my son just immediately went upstairs- woke his dad- told him to get his act together. AH told him to get the fuck out , rolled over and went to sleep.

i would leave, but I am tethered financially. He keeps threatening to Kill the Condo Deal.

My plan is to get us through the next three weeks until moving, then I can start saving my salary. I have always tried to be understanding and forgiving, but lately he has shown a monstrous side of himself that hasn't existed in the past.... the disease has progressed to brain damage, but I can no longer help him. Nor do I want to any more. I don't want to " behave " anymore just to keep the peace. I want real peace and stability. I want to be appreciated. I would love for him to be accountable for his behavior and act accordingly. HELL I might even be able to handle him drinking if he could be freaking pleasant! And responsible and capable and trustworthy.... sigh I know better.

so it's 4:00 in the morning. I've been up since 3. No sense in going to bed now, I have to get up in an hour for work ( while my Prince Charming of a husband sleeps in, then goes ou for more vodka)

oh well. Thanks everyone.

harrisbaby 09/13/2017

God bless you. I'm intrigued by the heading. "Alcohol Wins". That's how I often feel. It can be done. I imagine it's hard but it can be done. I told my AH he is not the worst alcoholic,out there and others go to AA and overcome. I think the main problem is they must say to themselves and to us they cannot handle the alcohol and it is a BIG problem.

learningpatience 09/13/2017

you are clearly at the end of your rope with this man, and he cannot, will not, does not see it because he is consumed by himself. now is the time to do things for you. seek therapy, a counsellor, a support group in real life like Al Anon or Smart Recovery (these both also offer online meetings). Find personal development reading like Codependent No More by Melody Beattie (http://melodybeattie.com/books/codependent-no-stop-controlling-others-start-caring/ ). It really changed my way of looking at things. I consider myself relatively lucky that my AH decided to get help and we're on what feels like the road to recovery (maybe, maybe not...) but I'm always afraid that we could end up in a situation like yours, decades of our lives wasted because of alcohol. you don't have to struggle along with him, but you do have support, you are not alone. xx

DSTRICK 09/13/2017

jms, i'm so sorry for the pain that your in. I'm right there with you in the 30+, the longer i'm with him the more resentment I have towards him and alcohol. I think my AH is going through a calm before the storm right now, the past weeks he has actually tried to be pleasant while drinking. I guess he thinks that being nice will make things better and he can continue to drink and have me on his side. I'm done with being played a fool. I love him but i'm no longer in love with him. I stay because it's something I feel like I need to do and it scares the hell out of me to think of raising our 2 teen granddaughters alone. This is my next step, I will work on my insecurities and I will over come. Just know that your not alone u can do this! hugs

jms7229 09/13/2017

Thank you everyone. I'm being " punished " for calling our son to come last night.
Sadly AH feels victimized boo boo. It is so unfortunate that he cannot see the pain his drinking causes others. And so it has become impossible. Did I confront? Yes , but in a way that tried to avoid a blow up by saying, please can we skip the confrontation and get back on track as tomorrow is a new day? I should have known better. But since I was NOT going to take the chance of being embarrassed in front of MY friends, I cancelled dinner. And really... that is perfectly reasonable considering the situation. I need to remember that. I know he is trying to manipulate me and keep me off balance ( and succeeding to a point) but the plan is to fake it till I make it. I've been here before and survived. On my lunch break now thank goodness all my books on codependency are in my kindle. I have some review to do.....

DSTRICK 09/13/2017

"Fake it till I make it" love it! Keep that thought.... u got this ur smarter than he is...

Peace_Love_Sushi 09/14/2017

When I saw the title, "Alcohol Wins", it pinged in my head. I call alcohol my husband's mistress. And he comes running any time she beckons. I had to call my AH's dad today, so I too, am an A-hole. Unfortunately, my AH fell into our koi pond face-first and I couldn't get him out by myself. The icing on the cake is that now my inlaws are mad at me, too, because in their eyes I am the problem. (Denial - it ain't just a river in Egypt!)

You had every right to cancel plans! What is more embarrassing (a) canceling dinner or (b) having company see your AH act like an idiot? You did the right thing.

Just keep doing what you're doing - - read your literature (I'm cracking my Al-Anon book back open tonight) and keep setting yourself up for your next move. ((hugs))

jms7229 09/15/2017

Peace love sushi, OMG ! Face first in the koi pond !!! Poor fishes. But more than that... poor you. The Drama they inflict upon us is all too much. Since the above event my husband appears to be sober, but certainly punishing me with the cold shoulder. It's actually a relief. I read a great book the other day. The Turmoil of Someone else's Drinking. My husband is the poster boy. This book immediately gave me back myself!!! Short easy read. I got it on my kindle. Blessings to us all.

LA2017 09/16/2017

alcoholics will always try and make us at fault for EVERYTHING. They are very good at placing themselves as the victim.

CeeCee4 09/16/2017

Im so sorry. He physically hit you, this is taking it to the next level. He orobably feels that you are close to leaving now so he is getting more frustrated. Please for safety sake if he isnthis outragged leave and stay safe with your son or a friend. Keep safe.

Jayda808 09/22/2017

Echoing CeeCee4, the slap makes this different from the last 30+ years. Once that bridge is crossed it'll only escalate, especially while under the influence. He has lost the ability/inclination to reign in his baser instincts and that could get really ugly, really fast. If you see an "out", stay the course.... but protect yourself too.

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