hi everyone, it seems I haven’t posted in too long. Life with my AH is spiraling downward at an alarming speed. It is chaotic, surreal and heartbreaking. I had a stress induced mild heart attack three weeks ago and was home recuperating until yesterday. He drank and did drugs, so I had to care for him as I was trying to care for myself. I’m in therapy , al-anon, and the online program Love Over Addiction. But I’m overwhelmed and tired of working so hard on myself. I just want to relax. I want him to care. He cannot. I am trying to forgive the forces that came together to form this current version of the man I love. But to do that I think I have to let him go, REALLY let him go. Only I can’t seem to willingly step into the pain that would entail. There is already so much pain.

he will never get better.  I’m so sad. He is so angry at me! But from a place of reality, I’ve done everything I could think of, I’ve loved him enough. 

Yes ive said hurtful things in the most heated of situations, so has he. I deserve the respect of the same forgiveness as I’ve offered for 25 years. But he only offers hard hearted ness and blame.

im FINALLY seeing how this disease goads you into the fray and then heaps guilty on you.

im sitting here recalling event after event of inappropriate, irresponsible, drunken, drugged up behaviors. Some I reacted to, most I did not. I sitting here thinking about how hard this life of trying to love an addict is. The verbal abuse, the emotional abuse, and now the leading edge of violence. I’m thinking about the peeing in his pants, the falling down the stairs, the broken furniture, I’m thinking about how my younger son and his gf will no longer even come to my home. 

Last night I got home from work to find him unresponsive, dangerously low blood sugar( 30 ) I tried to get the emergency glucose into him, but as he started to come around he was violently combative and I needed to call 911 and managed to avoid the punches and get sugars into him until EMS arrived. As it turns out he also drank a pint and a half of vodka. Big sigh...... but he is angry at me for calling the cops on him ( I did not, I called for EMT, for allowing the police to search the house for his drugs ( never happened ) and mostly for daring to be angry, scared , upset and for not keeping silent. So this morning on my way to work I called to apologize for harsh words said in desperation and fear. Only to be told I wasn’t worthy of forgiveness. I’m not sorry to have made the call. It was the right thing to do . What he chooses to believe about it is his business.