My AH seems perfectly fine with his drinking. He acts depressed sometimes when he's drinking because he says he needs to go to meetings and get his license back and he's depressed about that. Mostly its me that's depressed and he plays it against me like it has nothing to do with his drunken attitude every day and everything to do me. I'm too sensitive. I'm paranoid.....I talk about stupid things. . . . I almost wish he were more depressed instead of me. Maybe then, he would stop drinking and being an ass!!

Yes!!! My AH is depressed and scary at times as well. He cycles, drinks for 3/5 days snd can't sleep or function at all he'll get so depressed and says things that he not only doesn't remember but says I'm exaggerating his behavior. He'll then straighten up for a week or two and I'll actually see the man I fell in love with. But then again something will set him off and he'll start drinking again. Cycles. Mostly he's mad at himself but I can't take it anymore that is why after 20 years I filed for divorce. Best wishes to you. Stay strong and get help for you!!!

Mine went through a bout of depression earlier this year. He would start drinking in the evening then complain how he had nothing to look forward to, how he wanted to go into his dark place, how he would be better off dead. He even would say things like "I know what rafter I will use to hang myself", "don't be surprised if you come home and find me hanging in the garage", etc. I told him that I was worried and suggested that he talk to his doctor. His response is not printable. I gave him a list of resources he could contact, he threw it back at me. I finally told him that next time he says something about killing himself I would call the cops and report it. He said if I did that our marriage would be over. I think that (and a few other things that happened) scared him. See my post in "Now what???"

As my counsellor told me, if he were a diabetic and did not manage his disease, there would not be anything I could do. Same thing with alcoholism.

I feel for you, because it is horrible to feel helpless when someone is hurting.

Thank you all.
It's scary I think will he be alive
When I come home.
I hate for him to see him in such
A dark place but there is nothing
I can do to help him.
All advise is welcome

I hear you Bonblue!

It's been my experience that when you talk to your AH about getting help, he tends to treat it as if you were delivering some kind of religious sermon. On top of that, many AHs don't view their wives as a person worthy of respect.

I worked it out for myself this way. In the morning, before I would go to work, when he was still fairly sober, I would discuss t(his) problem. For many days it was taken with a grain of salt. Sometimes without comment, sometimes with argument. But nothing changed.

It was only when I took control of the family pursestrings that I was able to force him to reconsider his actions. I refused to buy him alcohol. And I didn't care how much he begged. It didn't last too long before he begged me to take him to detox.

AHs only listen, when they have the feeling that they have no other option.

My husband also only listens and "says the right things " to shut me up.
He also says I exaggerate everything.
He seems so surprised that I'm starting to just ignore him, and his attention getting behavior.
In his rare, introspective moments he has figured out that I have figured out his crazy strategy, and I don't buy into it much any more. It should be interesting to see what he pulls next.

Oh and sorry .... What I was starting to say that alcohol, as a drug is a major depressant!!!! That coupled with the knowledge ( somewhere in their brains) of what their behaviors really are doing to those who love them...... I am not surprised that my husband is depressed. I don't know how he looks himself in the mirror. I think on some levels it is harder to be him than me.

The name calling! When I started answering back, he was shocked but continued to point out anything he could think of to take the spotlight off his behavior/drinking. He uses the word paranoid! and whatever else he can think of when he is buzzed and I want him to do something! I, too, cannot understand how my A can look at himself in the mirror. I have cut the lawn all this spring, put in flowers, bushes around the house with bags of mulch - all myself. I swear I am going on strike!

His son says his father is depressed! If he would get outside and socialize, he might feel human. He loves to watch Westerns and drink a beer or wine. Now, that is depressing!!

All of the posts here resonate with me deeply. The most frustrating thing about these drunks is THEY LOSE THEIR MEMORIES!!! So when I tell him about something he said or did the night before, he looks at me like I'm crazy and then flat our denies it.

I WAS THERE AND HE WASN'T!! So the sober him cannot fathom what the drunk him says or does because they are different people. He even looks different while drunk. I call his alter ego RICHARD (dick), and just last night I told him if Richard tries to talk to me while drunk, I'm gonna kick him in the nuts.

I know how you feel mine is going thru the same thing. Does not want to get
Help. It's flustrating and worrisome.
I just give him lots of space.
Many prayers and hugs