Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
My AH is getting served his divorce papers tomorrow. The few times that I have talked to him, he has never asked about our kids. We have been separated over a month and I don't understand how he can just walk away from them? After tomorrow he has thirty days to respond to the divorce and if he doesn't, then it is final. I am happy and sad. We have gone through so much and I miss him, but I know that this is best. I have had two disturbing calls from people who know about situations that he is in, and it doesnt' look well for him. I hope he figures his life out, because I couldn't do it for him. I hate to see him do the things that he is doing, but I know that he is making his choices. I just wanted more for him and for our family. I hope he gets his life together, because I am going to continue living mine.
All the best to you and your children!
Thanks! Even though I still love and miss him, I think that me trying to help him (enable) has hurt him. Everyone has always got him out of his messes and cleaned everything up for him. He has never grown up and taken responsibility for his actions in a lot of ways. That is not meant to be mean or hateful, but honest. Sometimes I think he is a little boy trapped in a grown mans body. I felt like I had four children instead of three in many areas. I am not helping him by letting him come home after he messes up and taking care of or helping him get out of the financial situations that he got himself into. Whatâs sad is that he would never help me get out of some of the situations that I have helped him with. He can't even help me with our children and the financial situation that he left me in. I just don't want to keep living like that. I have had to put my feelings aside to do this. I try to remember the bad and not focus on the good. I finally got a job, not the best, but a job. I will have it tough financially, but had it tough in other areas with my AH. I have had several doors open that have helped me get through this. Sometimes I scare myself because I feel that my feelings are getting pushed way down inside and Iâm scared that someday I will start crying uncontrollably. Trust me, I never wanted this. I wanted the husband, house with a white fence and three children. I just got the four children! LOL! I hope that I look back at this someday and realize the craziness. I am so used to the craziness that I still miss parts of it. I meanâ¦.. why would anyone in a ânormalâ relationship allow their husband to stay gone time after time for days or weeks and sometimes leave for a month or two and still take him back? Why would anyone put up with the constant stupid arguments that happened at times daily. Why would anyone put up with their husband hitting them in any shape or form? Why would anyone put up with constant drinking and neglect of responsibilities? Because of HOPE! I was in love with who he could be and not who he was and I HOPED that he would change! I just couldnât change the way I needed to while being in that kind of situation. The only thing I feel that I can do is try to recover and change my life and my thoughts. It will be a long road, but hopefully it is better. Anytime you get a divorce you lose (at least something), and it might not be easy, but if we are strong enough to put up with alcoholism, we are strong enough for anything! I pray that everything will work out for you! Keep me posted.
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Be sure to take the time needed to mourn all of this. Mourn your hopes and your dreams for the white picket fence, the loving hubby that the AH wasn't. Those hopes and dreams are dear friends of all of ours and when they die, it is so important to mourn.
God bless you.
Hug.
Life is taking both of us in directions we didn't want to go. But it takes 2 to make a marriage work. Hang in there. BTW, my spouse should be getting his papers by Friday or Saturday. And I am finally at peace with the direction my life is heading.
Don't beat yourself up with "enabling him". Yes, mine has blamed his out of control drinking on me too! But I realize he cannot be happy around me because I remind him of all his failures. Realize you are #1...not him.
Keep us posted.