Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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Jayda808 06/19/2017

We all fantasize about leaving our AHs. The reality is that it's not that simple -- finances and family come into play, never mind the shame of having a failed marriage. I've thought about how to deal w/his binges (which yes are getting worse over time), like holing him up in a motel room for weeks while he "gets it out of his system", or plan a vacation where we both party and return to our normal lives. The thing is, if I try to manage his alchoholism by creating safe spaces, I'm still enabling him & (more importantly) robbing myself of the opportunity to have what I really want: a life w/someone working towards the same goals of happiness, financial security, personal growth.

My AH and I are at a crossroads again, and it's my fault. It's my fault bc I chose to believe him again and again... he's not going to change. I resent him for not having the strength and fortitude to handle his disease. I resent him for making me be the one to leave our marriage. But after 7 years of this, I don't see any other way without sacrificing a large part of my own identity and happiness. I don't know what to do... he's been unemployed for 2 years and our savings have kept us afloat. Now that I'm able to support both of us on a regular basis, I have to wonder why the hell Im still here. Is selfishness my only salvation? Is leaving him a sin under the vows we shared? What the hell do I do?

PJ54 06/19/2017

Hello Jaya808,

I don’t think that it is selfish to want to do the right thing, even if that means walking out on your alcoholic husband. In this day and age, most people would not regard it as a sin either as unfortunately, marriages fail for all sorts of reasons. My grandmother used to say that shame is all about how you perceive it; although those were not her exact words, I think she meant that the shame is only in your own head.

Now that you are on your feet financially, you are in a much better position to make the right decisions. You could perhaps set a time limit for your husband to tackle his problem. Talk to him when he is sober and try to find out if he has any intention of quitting. If he has, then suggest that he goes to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and gets the necessary help. If he continues to drink, you will have to decide between increasingly worse misery or leaving and starting again without him.

ElisaTucker 06/19/2017

You are not selfish! That is normal, you are tired of the same old story.

bluesprite72 06/19/2017

I feel the greater sin, is what they have put us through and done to themselves and the marriage contract. They are sinning by abusing alcohol, abandoning their families emotionally, financially, physically or how ever else they are. They are also sinning for making the addiction their god. There are so many ways they are breaking the marriage contract. They aren't loving and respecting us, being the leader they are called to be and the protector. Or is that my situation all these years?

umiil 06/20/2017

Bluesprite72-yes that is our situation. I lay here with tears. I wish it was so easy to just leave, I dream of that day. I am trying so hard to make it. I can't even look at his face anymore, it disgusts me. He tells me he "needs" his wife back...or else. Well, that ship has sailed my friend...that nieve girl is gone. To many lies, manipulation & abuse. There is still so much hidden that I don't know. But t I am done being the detective, the Holy Spirit or his mother....I am done...all I can hope is that my kids will be ok. I feel bad for choosing to have kids with him.

bluesprite72 06/21/2017

Yes, I've been there for quite awhile now, where I don't go looking for things or be his mother. I also used to be where you are at right now, where I could not stand to even look at him or be around him. I am sad that the kids have had to have this kind of father, but if I hadn't gone down this road with him, I never would have gotten them and they are my world. I do wish there was an easy way out, but I have been a stay at home mom for most of my kids lives. But since I told him last summer, that I want a divorce some day and that there is nothing he can do to fix any of it, we are just mainly coexisting together in the same house with the kids. Not the best way of things, but better than when he still thought he could lie and play mind games. He knows his days are numbered here.

CeeCee4 06/21/2017

If you have the means then get out. It took me a while but I'm set. He has been sober almost 11 months now. If he slips, I'm out, period. At least start the planning to leave. Get separate bank accounts, get a career going that will support you, start looking for places to live. At least your finding a way out instead of sitting there and feeling hopeless. There's always hope, with or without our AH.

Jesy 06/24/2017

Hugs to all of you. I, too, am tired of being afraid and not knowing if he'll be the happy joking AH or the asshole one. I'm tired of worrying if he will lash out at the kids. I'm tired of feeling weak for not doing something. I'm tired of being stupid for thinking things will change. My father was an alcoholic. Though he never hit me or my sister and we knew he loved us with all his heart, we saw him get angry and be so cruel to other people and his girlfriends. I sometimes wonder if that's why I allow my life to be how it is now.

unknownbride 06/28/2017

I don't have kids, neither does he. We just got married a few weeks ago. Been together 5 years. Had a beautiful wedding and we have a beautiful life. However, living with an alocoholic is like living in a roller coaster. Except a roller coaster is a lot more fun. Lol. I love my husband since the day we met. He's my best friend. I couldn't imagine living life without him. He's so generous and kind. Except to me when he's drinking. I'm tired of him not appreciating me and what I do, he doesn't help out with anything. I make sure bills are paid, I clean the house, do his laundry, make his lunch and dinner, and work a stressful full time job. He works full time and drinks beer when he's not working. He's gotten a lot better since we first met, but it's still pretty bad. EverydAy he drinks. I'd say he's drunk at least 4 nights a week. He gets an attitude and yells when he doesn't like something when he's drank too much. Just joined this group to hopefully get support and learn how to cope, because I don't know that I could ever leave. I do want kids someday, but not in this environment.

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