You've probably just haven't been ready. It took me a very long time to walk out the door. It's amazing how much we are able to deal with and how long we wait for the AH. Know that you are in good company, you're absolutely not alone in this.

Are you seeing a therapist or going to AA? It's very helpful to have an outlet for the frustrations you're having. I repeatedly bring up to my therapist my frustration with myself about why I have such a difficult time moving on and accepting the situation as it is.

Sending hugs, know you're not alone, know you're not stupid, you are human. We didn't want this, we expected something different and facing that our lives will not be as expected is very difficult.

I'm with Ginny03 - it took me a really long time as well. In fact, I just got brave enough this year after watching him progress further and further down the wormhole for the last 12 years. I walked into 2015 vowing that it would be a year of change - I told him that too. I had hoped for sobriety, but he relapsed on 12/27/2014.... it went downhill from there. He sobered up by the end of January for our trip to Hawaii, lasted a month and spiraled into relapse that brought us to August when I finally filed the papers. Even then I had doubts.

It's not an easy decision. Our AHs know how to give us just enough hope to stick with it. They tell us what we want to hear, they do just enough to convince us to give it one more go, our love for them keeps us hanging on to any last hope we can.

When you're ready, you'll know it. You'll know you've put everything into it and you just don't have anything left to give. You won't feel the same love. You won't be sucked in anymore. You'll see right through it and will be disgusted by it.

Best of luck to you!

It's called co dependant been there. Still there .I left but he followed
Me with his drinking and all of his health conditions.it does not get any
Better just worse..
Only they can help themselves

Thank you ladies for taking the time to reply. Its extremely difficult to deal with an AH. I love him so much and i want to believe its going to get better but I know the chances of that happening is slim. I hope you guys are right when you say I will know when its time to let go. I believe I am close to that timing but not there just yet. He is of course is blaming me for our troubles and saying that if I wasnt such a "MOM" things would be great. But I tell him if he wasnt so damn irresponsible I wouldnt have to worry about him as much as I do. I know I need to let him make his mistakes and allow him to deal with the consequences of his actions but I just cant. Hes referring to me taking his keys away when I know hes drinking or throwing his bottles away. He doesnt understand that I do that to protect him from getting too drunk or driving and ending up in jail. I wish he could see all I do to protect him from himself. I know its not my responsibility but at the same time Im torn between letting him suffer his own consequences or stepping in and doing something to prevent them from happening. And Yes bonblue I definately fit the description of co dependent. The question is how do i fix me so that I can get out of this miserable life cycle.

rummi

thank you so much for sharing. I am new to this forum and I just read your message tonight. I am in exactly the same place as you. I felt so alone and completely foolish until I saw your post.

I know it's hard to let him making huge mistakes and have to deal with the consequences, but it may be the trigger to him realizing he has a problem, one he can't control on his own. I wish with all my heart that I had found this board before I left my AH, maybe if I had, I would have understood what was happening. I knew he was an alcoholic, but I didn't realize that keeping it a secret, hiding it from our families, and most of all, cleaning up the messes he left behind, did not give him the strength to get help but in fact just gave him the excuse to continue the madness. Now it's too late, I crossed a line, the compassion, empathy, and hope for him is gone... just gone. I love the man I fell in love with, but not the person he is today or especially the cruel mean drunk he's been.

I guess what I'm trying to say is even though you are not at the point of giving up or letting go you must do something. You cannot just wait for it to get better because it most likely won't if you don't act in some manner. Work on codependent behavior, seek help through Al Anon or a therapist, no longer pick up the pieces or try to stop them from happening in the first place. Scary I know, that's why if you get some help and have a support system it can be done. And a nice extra is that no matter what he does, either way you will gain tools to deal with the situation and other parts of your life as well.

penny99, I'm glad you read rummi's post - I felt the same way till I found this Board. I'm a different person from the day I left him in part because I was able to come to this Board and read others stories and take what I needed to help myself get better.

Hi rummi - sending you strength and hugs. Ginny has provided great advice. You do need to let him make his mistakes and face his consequences.

About 5 or so years ago, I went to a co-dependency group offered by my therapist. At the time, I didn't know what co-dependency even was. That class was my turning point (granted, it took a long time, but it started me down a new path). I learned about the victim triangle, how to "respond" instead of "react", how I was enabling him and trying to rescue him, etc.

Since that time I have continued my learning. I've read books, continued my therapy, attended Al-Anon, started "responding" instead of "reacting", stopped enabling him, stopped protecting him, stopped making excuses for him, started setting boundaries and sticking to them, finding myself again, doing things I enjoy, doing things even if he was unable to participate, and honestly, started preparing myself - either he was going to make that drastic change (sobriety) or I was going to make a drastic change (divorce).

It took me until this year to be ready. To know that I was ready. In my case, I had to prepare for battle. My AH was emotionally abusive. He used verbal threats to control. I stayed with him out of fear for a very long time. I didn't fear him physically, I feared him emotionally - he swore he wouldn't let me have custody of our daughter, that he would ruin me financially, that a divorce would be costly, etc.

I served him papers in late August - he sobered up - convinced me to halt the process for a bit - to give him time to find a job, etc. I did. Two months later, he relapsed BAD! I ended up having the battle I dreaded. I'm still in the midst of it - a month in - but I'm heading to my next chapter and I can't wait!!

I don't know if my story will help at all, but I do hope you find the strength to let go - to realize that you can't control him - that trying to isn't worth the stress. Let him be the adult he is and face the consequences of his own actions. Meanwhile, work on you. Find you. Be you. Enjoy you.

Lots of hugs and prayers for us all for Christmas.

Go! GO! GO! You dont have kids. You are financially independent. GO! Dont be like the rest of us. How I wish I had a way out.

The hardest thing is making the decision to leave them. They have this power over us and we are willing to live through hell in order to stick around. Don't waste your life away. If you don't have kids and can fend for yourself, then leave now. Don't look back cause it will only get worse. I can tell you that it took me 15 years of living a "happy life". His falls would affect me for a few days and then we would be a happy couple again, until the next episode. Today living alone without the stress and phone calls from friends "i think something is wrong with your husband" is the best feeling ever. Life is pretty boring now, which is hard since I am used to the emotional roller coaster. Don't find yourself 10 years down the line still miserable. They do not change unless they want to change. You cannot control him or cure him!

Seriously, RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN. I have a kid with my ex and I'm just kicking myself for having to be connected to this man.

Ooh, and you're not stupid. And nothing has to give, just go. Don't wait until something bad enough happens that you wish you would've left before it happened. If he gets better years down the line, God is big enough to orchestrate your reunion, so you can check that off your list of excuses to put up with BS longer. But all he could give you was 3 weeks. The last is the best indicator of your future.

I was in the same boat as you (except the shared child). I had multiple properties, great job, friends, family... And a lying sack of crap, manipulative, freeloading alcoholic boyfriend living off of me like a parasite. He's gone now and I feel like it was all a nightmare. It's nice to smile again.