Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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New low

rummi
rummi
My AH has never put his hands on me until yesterday. And what drove him to it was that i took his bottle away from him and started to pour it down the drain. Yes, I slapped him first but how he responded to that slap was unbeknownst to me. He was rageful and my gosh i was frightened by the man i once believed would never lay a finger on me. It is apparent to me how much he loves that bottle. He fought for it so much harder than I have ever seen him fight for anything else in his life. I told him if he fought half as hard for his sobriety as he fought to keep his bottle his addiction would be over.

Today of course he is apologetic and is promising to work on his sobriety. To be honest I am reluctant in letting him stay. I honestly dont know if I can forgive this time. I am so hurt and I am so ashamed of myself for allowing this to go on. I am an educated woman and I am an independent woman. How is it that I am allowing this to happen to me? I am pissed off with myself. I love my husband, no doubt, but when is it enough? If he hurt me like this once I am sure he will do it again. I know that I cannot continue like this much longer. I am tired and I am so sad. I cant share this with anyone but this board because I am embarrassed to tell anyone. Yesterday I drove for hours by myself crying and trying to get through the hurt. Ive never felt so alone in my life. Its not that I dont have family and friends its just that I feel so ashamed. Can anyone relate?
Please talk to me and tell me you understand because right now I dont know who else to vent to.
losinghope94
losinghope94
sorry for your experience, i'd like to believe that it was a one time thing, but my daddy always said, the first time is the hardest, after that it's easier. so my mom left him, after the first slap, who knows if it would have continued, thankfully she didn't stick around to see, unthankfully she went on to more abusive relationships later. If he is going to take the steps to sobriety, it may just be worth sticking it out to see. my ah is like dr jekyl mr hyde when intoxicated, never violent but a real jerk. I will definitely pray for you over the weekend, stay in touch on here, the wives don't seem to be very judgy type people because I think we all have our own demons to wrestle with. hugs to you rummi
Ginny03
Ginny03
Rummi, we understand! We've all been there, wondering how we let this happen, why have we lived with it for so long, and certainly the unwarranted shame that goes along with that. But you need to know that it's not your shame to carry. There is no shame in hope, there is no shame in love, there is no shame in wishing things were different, and there certainly is no shame in sticking it out because the person you love is addicted. If the alcoholic makes no changes, there comes a time that the spouse crosses a line of being hopeful, believing the alcoholic when he/she says I'll do better this time, I'll stop drinking to when you no longer have the capacity to have hope, forgiveness or to support them.

It's not easy to let your family know what is happening - but the thing is they probably have an idea anyway. It was hard for me too - I had kept the extent of it from everyone until I could no longer carry it myself. It had gotten too heavy for me to take care of. And once I confided in one person, it was like the floodgates had opened. I had to expel the pain from inside verbally to help me get through.

I waited too long, please don't do that to yourself or him. Perhaps if you get help, it will help him also. Confide in someone, if you just aren't comfortable with family or friends, try AA or therapy. Start surrounding yourself with people who will help. It's amazing when you open up and let people in, the rewards you will receive. Not only do they listen, offer advice, or distract you when you need it, but then you offer the same in return and their problems may be different but it helps to give back that way.

Sending you hugs, and hoping you'll know that we do understand how you feel. You'll be okay, give yourself the gift of letting someone know that you need help right now. There's no shame there, only hope and strength!
naezer
naezer
Oh my gosh rummi, how horrible. I hope you are okay. If you choose to stay and it happens again, please involve the police. Your safety is super important.

I agree that talking with family/friends that you trust can be very therapeutic. It can be tough though - if they see/hear no change, just the continuing saga, that can be hard for them to hear since they care about you and want the best for you. They can have the same feelings of annoyance with you for not changing your situation as you have with your AH for not changing his behavior.

You do need to talk to someone though - you need to let those feelings out. You need validation that what you are experiencing is not right. Reassurance that you don't deserve that. A reminder that you're not crazy! We're here - type away, attend Al-Anon, get phone numbers from attendees that you can call when you need to talk, see a counselor (one that has experience with addiction - it took me several tries to find a good one), and lastly, find things for you. Something that calms you, that you enjoy, something special. You need it (AND you deserve it)!