Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
Hi everybody, I'm new here. I am looking for some support in dealing with my feelings about my spouse who may be an alcoholic. All I know is I don't like how much he drinks and that his drinking is the basis for many arguments. He blames his drinking on me, but I know he has drank way before I was in the picture. Nevertheless, him blaming me for his drinking makes me feel terrible and very angry. Him drinking because he's mad or lonely and pointing the finger at me hurts me deeply. Just the other day we were arguing about his drinking. I told him I was at my wits end and I don't feel loved. He said he did love me to which I said I had been loved before and this was not love. That's when he got up and left to get his standard 4-pack for the night. He said it was my fault. Why should he try when there was no hope. So he drank and I went to bed in the kids room again. This is the cycle we are stuck in. He hurts me by replacing me with alcohol and no matter how much I kick and scream I'm always second to his drinking.
I am uncertain if my husband is an alcoholic because he doesn't drink so much anymore; he drinks a 4-pack of beer 4-5 times a week and that's with me putting the breaks on the whole time. I'm watching his intake. I'm reminding him of our agreements, no more than a 4-pack. That rule is in place because without it he will get stupid drunk. He's not allowed any hard liquor. That stopped when I woke to find the door to our home wide open in the middle of the night with him passed out on the couch. We have children so I don't need to tell you how dangerous that was. He talks to other women online when he's that drunk and blames it all on the drinking. I am unsure about his alcoholism because after 9 years of marriage and pretty much daily nagging from me he's cut down to the 4-5 packs a day. But that being said he buys the hardest beer he can find. He will walk in the rain to get alcohol. He won't even do that for our kids if they need medicine and are sick. I say he may be an alcohol because he is still determined to drink even though I hate it, and it causes problems between us. It gets in the way of a love life, which by the way is non-existent. I can't bring myself to smell the liquor on him and be intimate. He's told me it's his way of dealing with his problems. I tell him it's a major part of the problem, and yet the can gets popped open. I hate that sound.
I'm here now after 11 years together because I unable to see a light of hope any longer. I'm here for my children because I don't want them to see their mama unhappy anymore. I'm here because I'm sick. I have unexplained chronic pain in my head, neck, shoulders, ears, face, jaw. I wake up stiff and sore. I feel every day as if I've been beat in my sleep. My dentist did say she suspects TMJ because I've cracked several teeth and broken one grinding my teeth while I sleep. All professionals I've gone to for my pain lead back to one thing, chronic stress. I feel now that I'm hurting myself more than ever staying in this relationship, physically now, but emotionally for years. I need support in finding my way and sorting through all this mess. I'm scare y'all. I used to be an independent woman, but now I have children counting on me. I'm a student and home school my kids. The stakes for leaving are so high. I appreciate any feedback you could provide and I thank you for just being hear to listen.
Most love,
Patricia
I am uncertain if my husband is an alcoholic because he doesn't drink so much anymore; he drinks a 4-pack of beer 4-5 times a week and that's with me putting the breaks on the whole time. I'm watching his intake. I'm reminding him of our agreements, no more than a 4-pack. That rule is in place because without it he will get stupid drunk. He's not allowed any hard liquor. That stopped when I woke to find the door to our home wide open in the middle of the night with him passed out on the couch. We have children so I don't need to tell you how dangerous that was. He talks to other women online when he's that drunk and blames it all on the drinking. I am unsure about his alcoholism because after 9 years of marriage and pretty much daily nagging from me he's cut down to the 4-5 packs a day. But that being said he buys the hardest beer he can find. He will walk in the rain to get alcohol. He won't even do that for our kids if they need medicine and are sick. I say he may be an alcohol because he is still determined to drink even though I hate it, and it causes problems between us. It gets in the way of a love life, which by the way is non-existent. I can't bring myself to smell the liquor on him and be intimate. He's told me it's his way of dealing with his problems. I tell him it's a major part of the problem, and yet the can gets popped open. I hate that sound.
I'm here now after 11 years together because I unable to see a light of hope any longer. I'm here for my children because I don't want them to see their mama unhappy anymore. I'm here because I'm sick. I have unexplained chronic pain in my head, neck, shoulders, ears, face, jaw. I wake up stiff and sore. I feel every day as if I've been beat in my sleep. My dentist did say she suspects TMJ because I've cracked several teeth and broken one grinding my teeth while I sleep. All professionals I've gone to for my pain lead back to one thing, chronic stress. I feel now that I'm hurting myself more than ever staying in this relationship, physically now, but emotionally for years. I need support in finding my way and sorting through all this mess. I'm scare y'all. I used to be an independent woman, but now I have children counting on me. I'm a student and home school my kids. The stakes for leaving are so high. I appreciate any feedback you could provide and I thank you for just being hear to listen.
Most love,
Patricia
You are not alone in the pain you're going through. Your husband is definitely an alcoholic. If you have any doubts, that's your denial speaking. My alcoholic ex was like yours, not drinking to be stupid drunk, but drinking every day no matter what. Read the book Codependent No More. And I want to list our some basics I strongly encourage you to consider or put in to practice:
1. Which stakes are higher? Your children being affected by this, or leaving?
2. Stop controlling and counting how much he drinks. You're just preventing him from hitting his rock bottom and delaying him from experiencing the effects of his drinking (which may be losing you and the kids)
3. Get people you trust involved to support you and don't go this alone.
4. His drinking is not your fault and it never was
5. Start gathering evidence of his behavior that will be admissable in court so you can get full physical custody of the kids, and his visits will need to be supervised or he'll have to prove he's not drunk with a breathalyzer. For example, audio recording him being drunk without his consent is NOT admissable.
6. Start pulling some money out of your joint accounts, into one of your own if you can. You're entitled to half and will need it for your kids.
7. Don't try to fix him. It's useless. He needs to fix himself. And you need to protect yourself and your kids.
Please keep reading other posts on this board, commit to learning the truth about addiction because it will set you free. It will hurt, but not for the 11 years you've already endured.
You are not alone. You and your children matter more than alcohol.
Hugs.