We are here many Hugs and Prayer s

Last night I went to see a band with my husband and his best friend. My husband left without telling us he was going. Later he sent me text accusing me of sleeping with his best friend. The friend told me that my husband hasn't been going to work for the last two weeks. When I go home, he had locked me out of the house. While his friend was trying to help me break in, he threatened us with a shot gun. Long story short I ended up spending the night in the friend's brother's unheated "man cave". Fortunately it only go down to the lower 30's, but I can't get rid of the chills today.

Welcome MES71, so sorry you're finding yourself in this situation. It's such a struggle to live with an alcoholic, it just doesn't make sense what they are thinking and doing. When under the influence, their brains go haywire and are not processing common sense. So many times I just didn't know where the accusations came from. It's like a switch - my ex-AH would leave the room we were in with no issues, just watching tv, come back after 15 minutes, and bam, he would have convinced himself that I was having an affair, start arguing with me, calling me names, and wouldn't back down. Did not believe me. Of course, I hadn't spent a spare minute away from the house because I had gotten to the point that I thought well he'll have to believe me if I'm always home. I used to race home from work because if I was more than 10 minutes "late" that meant I was cheating. Argh - thinking about it now just makes me so angry. It's such a vicious cycle, he'd apologize the next day, tell me he didn't mean it and won't do that again. I wanted that so badly that I believed. Still to this day, don't know if he actually believed that crap about me or if he just did that to manipulate and control me.

You are not alone in this! And even though none of us wish this on another - it's so helpful to have people understand how you feel, and to be able to give and receive support. It's truly made a difference in how I respond to my now ex ah and also in how I think about my own recovery.

Sending hugs and hopes that today was a better day.

I love my ah, and yes I have been accused of cheating multiple times. If used to terrify me and I would go into detailed justifications of how I'm not... turn it got to the point where I forbid myself to get trapped into that cycle, and now I just laugh when he accuses me and lightly say, well if you really think that, you are more than welcome to divorce me. Amazingly, the accusations have stopped!

Now, what worries me more about your post us
1) he has not been going to work for 2 weeks. Sounds like you will now be financially supporting his alcoholiam
2) he locked you out of your own home and threatened you with a gun, and you slept in someone else's home.
What is your next step? That sounds VERY SERIOUS to me and I am more than just a little afraid for you!

He's never threatened me before, he's always stuck to self harm threats. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it. I don't really believe he would do anything. He's never been violent towards me, so this came out of nowhere.

As for supporting him financially, it won't be the 1st time.

MES71 - Oh my gosh! That sounds pretty scary to me. You've certainly got a lot on your plate. How often does this type of stuff happen? How long are you willing to put up with it? I too was accused of an affair 16 years ago and my stbx has never let it go. I don't know if he's completely convinced himself of it or he just uses it as a control tactic like others have said. It got old. Every time we would have an argument, my fake affair would come up. And of course there is nothing I can do to prove it never happened. Since my fake affair, my stbx never again told me he loved me because HE didn't want to get hurt again. I dealt with it because he was still 'good' to me. But then he decided 4 years ago life sucked and I sucked so he had an affair. That was where I had to draw the line. Nobody deserves this treatment. Please take care of yourself.

This morning there was an apology note in my car. I'm not feeling very forgiving today.

MES71 - wow, simply wow. What a horrible experience and one that is forever in your memory. You'll need to forgive what was done, but you don't have to forgive him for doing it. Do know that you deserve to be treated with respect. That you are special. That you are a human being and a good one at that.

Locking you out of the house and pointing a gun at you is unacceptable - regardless if there's alcohol involved. If you choose to go back, I'd let him know that if he EVER does anything like that again, you'll call the cops and have him arrested (and you will not bail him out). You'll need to be prepared to follow through as well. Your life and safety depend on it. No one has a right to do what he did to you. No one. Not even a husband.

I just want to reach through the world wide web and give you a big hug. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Sending you strength.

I really appreciate all of the kind words and support. He is really trying right now, cooking, cleaning, acting the man I love. I haven't left him, but I'm feeling much better. I haven't ruled it out either. I'm going to really try to stick with some of the suggestions I've read on this board, like accepting that it isn't my fault.

Alcohol is soooo bad! It just makes me cry thinking of how it is not only able to destroy the person that it takes over but then reaches it's evil tentacles out to the loved ones and wreaks havoc in many more hearts and souls!. I just seriously pray for all of us here! That chains of alcoholism would fall off our loved ones, and that our wounds are healed! Ok, I couldn't help that! It's from my heart!