I wish you some peace and happyness... so you have alot going on. I will say that mabye leaving and not helping him might change the ending.
im a AH that has found some recovery. I suggest taking care of you. But know you have helped me to stay sober today 1is2many

I can relate to your story. I feel as though I stayed for the kids and because deep down I knew my AH was a good guy too. I just wanted to see him well for everyone’s sake already. He flew out to a rehab for over a month a year ago and has been sober since. It cost us more then we could afford though and the bills go unopened. I feel it was worth him becoming sober though but still a daily struggle.

Being sober can be just as hard. I’m learning to be with a knew man that sometimes can be arrogant, have outbursts, seem secretive, selfish, still never home in the evenings due to AA meetings, and have become withdrawn from. Everyday I have to burry the hurt he’s put me through and thank God he’s alive and sober another day...because those days were terrifying. There really isn’t any happy ending while married to an AH I’ve come to realize. But can you accept that in your marriage?

Wow. Big questions, and big responses. Lots of soul and mental searching. Broken-hearted23, I feel for you. We have similar situations, however, my AH hasn’t asked for help yet. He admits he has a problem, but doesn’t want to deal w it yet. Or ever. Who knows. We have 2 kids, been married 13 yrs. I didn’t know he was “such a drinker” until almost a year into the marriage. Anyway, in my own mind when thinking of your AH, does HE really want help? I read that you’re kind of doing all the work to get him help, but is he trying? If he REALLY wants to quit, HE will find a way. The money part of it sucks for sure, but what else to do? On to your other point, I live in a “not in love” marriage.” We are great friends and care for each other lots, but we’re not emotionally attached - how could we be?? Virtual hugs to you. Please rise out of bed today, seek the sunshine on your face, breath air in your lungs and know you’re not alone. Peace be with you!

Thank you everyone that took the time to read and respond. It was very helpful to know other people's perspectives. In response to you Faith and loublue22, I was worried that sending my AH to treatment and what would happen if we we weren't able to pay for it. If they're able to come in and take things away from us to pay for it. But knowing that you Faith, you guys seem to be okay puts my mind at ease. Also to response to you Faith, I guess I half accept that there's no happy ending with an AH. Meaning, I can accept my husband fully for all that he is because even in the bad times while he's drinking, he's still there for me. He still tries really hard to take care of me, the dogs, house, make food. Which means a lot. No one else has ever been there for me like him. I refuse to believe that because he is an AH that makes him totally less of a person. Alcoholism is a terrible disease, and I don't believe any of these people who have this disease really want to be like this. That they really like lying, sneaking around, hurting the people they love the most, to me that makes no sense knowing them as the people we fell in love with. My dad was an alcoholic as well and he actually passed away from this when I was 14. I hate feeling like if my dad had cancer, another terrible disease. he may have had more of a fighting chance because society is way more willing to help fight that fight. There are cancer telethons, 5ks, fundraisers, tee shirts, tons of things to show support and raise awareness. Though arguably in my mind, alcoholism is worse. This disease changes a person's personality and mentality for the absolute worse as well as deteriorating them completely physically. I don't know of many cancers that do that to that extreme. I guess I refuse to accept the treatment the way that it is forever. I want to do something about this, I just don't know where to begin. Imagine, Faith if it's this hard for us to be able to pay for treatment, what it must be like for anyone of any kind of minority, especially in poverty. I want to create a place that people can go and at least if they feel they're in an emergency there's at the very least someone there to listen and listen with them to trying to help.

In response to you loublue22, I most definitely recognize that my AH is in part major denial about this and isn't taking any action that he needs to. It took me awhile to reach that I cannot make him do anything, he needs to come to the realization on his own. That's what sucks the absolute most. It's like watching a car crash about to happen and not being able to do anything about it. How long do I wait for him to come to this realization? Or do I do what my mom suggests and just accept him the way he is with this? I don't know. I want to have kids more than anything on earth and right now that is not looking possible. After having an alcoholic dad in the house growing up, that is the last thing I want for my kids. And my AH is worse than my dad. My dad was a heavy beer drinker, where my AH is drinking liters of vodka a day and can literally die of alcohol poisoning at any point and he just doesn't seem to think that. I tell him over and over again you're dying. He always says no I'm not. I go in and out of denial with this every day myself. I think sometimes my brain just refuses to believe this shit is actually happening to me twice in one life time and I'm only 25. Like what in the hell is that? I worked my ass off and over come all that, didn't have my license until a year ago, graduated with honors, was put through mental hell in high school from situations at home at school and this is what life brings? What the fuck is the point of working hard in life? When this is what it still gives you? Then at other times it hits me so hard that I don't even want to be alive anymore. Cause I know he's going to die from this and I can't seem to stop it. That the only person who's been there for me through thick and thin is going to die and I can't stop it. So right now, all I feel I can do is pray and hope that the right answers will come to me when I need it the most.

Thanks for listening.