Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
My other half was sober for one and a half years, and then he went out with co-workers, drank himself into oblivion, blacked out, somehow got home, blacked out, and was as sick as a dog for 2 straight days. He missed work because of being blacked out, and now I do not know if he is going to loose his job or not. He will find out on Monday. He has almost no memory of this night - he remembers the very beginning, and not anything else. He does not even know that he called me at 2 a.m., drunk, and hung up without saying a word.
I was so angry, and so heart-broken, all at the same time. I just want to know: have you ever felt like that? Where you don't know if you should scream at him and cry and hug him? I am so angry at him for breaking his promises to me. He had promised me to never even go into a bar, and, of course, he had promised not to drink. I should mention that breaking promises is a never-ending issue with us, so it hurts that much more. He is very, very hard to trust - if he says he'll call, he often doesn't, if he says he'll do something, he forgets, etc.
What do you do, when you want to scream at him, for how deeply he hurts you, over and over, but part of you knows that screaming is not what he needs? He told me he was ashamed, and he apologized. And he also admitted the drinking to me, instead of trying to hide it. In fact, one good thing I can say is that, as far as I know, he has never lied about his drinking to me.
It does mean a lot to me that he does not deny his problem, that he acknowledges how badly he hurts me, and that he tells me he is ashamed. I know that he truly is ashamed, and needs my support and love. I know he is an addict, and that breaking his promises to me is not just about me, it's about his addiction, which is a powerful force. But I keep thinking: why wasn't I enough of a reason not to drink? Didn't he look down at the ring on his finger, remember me, and make an effort to stop?? No.
How do you find that balance, between your own needs (being angry, needing space, needing time alone and away from him), and yet supporting him in his difficult time?
I admit: I did yell at him. I was so hurt. We have been through this so many times before, and, after a year and a half, I though he was going to be okay. I know he will always be an alcholic, but I thought he was a recovered one.
Also: how do you know when enough is enough? When do you walk away?
Thank you for any advice. It is really helpfull to come here and talk to people who have been in this same place.
I was so angry, and so heart-broken, all at the same time. I just want to know: have you ever felt like that? Where you don't know if you should scream at him and cry and hug him? I am so angry at him for breaking his promises to me. He had promised me to never even go into a bar, and, of course, he had promised not to drink. I should mention that breaking promises is a never-ending issue with us, so it hurts that much more. He is very, very hard to trust - if he says he'll call, he often doesn't, if he says he'll do something, he forgets, etc.
What do you do, when you want to scream at him, for how deeply he hurts you, over and over, but part of you knows that screaming is not what he needs? He told me he was ashamed, and he apologized. And he also admitted the drinking to me, instead of trying to hide it. In fact, one good thing I can say is that, as far as I know, he has never lied about his drinking to me.
It does mean a lot to me that he does not deny his problem, that he acknowledges how badly he hurts me, and that he tells me he is ashamed. I know that he truly is ashamed, and needs my support and love. I know he is an addict, and that breaking his promises to me is not just about me, it's about his addiction, which is a powerful force. But I keep thinking: why wasn't I enough of a reason not to drink? Didn't he look down at the ring on his finger, remember me, and make an effort to stop?? No.
How do you find that balance, between your own needs (being angry, needing space, needing time alone and away from him), and yet supporting him in his difficult time?
I admit: I did yell at him. I was so hurt. We have been through this so many times before, and, after a year and a half, I though he was going to be okay. I know he will always be an alcholic, but I thought he was a recovered one.
Also: how do you know when enough is enough? When do you walk away?
Thank you for any advice. It is really helpfull to come here and talk to people who have been in this same place.
Shame is a big part of it for them and I do understand that which yeah, makes me almost pity him but is that a feeling that should keep us in the relationship. I would too give him kudos for not lying, that has been the biggest issue with my hubby and how can you help yourself when your lying to everyone including yourself. Being lied to cuts all feelings of trust and respect; maybe you still have that for him?
Best of luck ;)
I am doing really bad for space, today. We were seriously up for 24 hours fighting after his last binge, and then got into a huge fight tonight about his family! I think I will make a post on that, because I would love some advice. Tonight, I almost called it quits, because I am feeling like our "relationship" is really nothing but a string of arguments, and it has been this way since the beginning. Argue, argue, argue.
The problem is that we do still have good times, and that keeps me hooked. And he is a sweet person, when he is sober. He laughs with me, he has a sense of humour, he will be there for me at 2 a.m. if I am crying, etc. He is good at being there for me. He is a good listener. He is patient. There is all this good. But he is also the MOST infuriating person I have ever met. He breaks your heart over and over, he finds it impossible to open up, even with me, even after all this time.
What I mean is: just because I want it, doesn't mean it's good for me. A toddler wants to eat candy for 3 meals a day, but it's not good for them. What if I want something that is all wrong for me?? I guess that is the question. Because I know that, depsite everything, I seem to still want him. I can't believe I do, but I do. However....at what point do I have to cut it off, because it is sucking all the life out of me? I have really lost a lot - time, peace, quiet, I've lost contact with some friends, because this takes so much out of me, I've let a lot slide, interests, hobbies, etc.
And so it's like this: I want him, but should I try to have him? Or should I realize that it is toxic for me, and walk away, even though I do want it? Hard to know the answer to that.
Yes, you do still have many years ahead! And it sounds like they will be good ones, because you are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself, and to survive.