Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
When Joe died, my world ended. I wanted to die, too, and was sure there was nothing left in this world for me. Everyone kept telling me that things would get better with time. Yeah, sure. Well.....they were right.
Now that it has been a year and 5 months, I have looked back to see how far I have come. I began lying in bed most days curled in a fetal position with eyes swollen from crying.
Now, I look back and see how I have grown. I had to overcome fear of being alone and doing things alone. At one month, I drove alone 60 miles to check on some property we had. At about 3 months, I drove 250 miles to visit my sister. At 10 months, for our anniversary date, I flew from FL to VA to visit his family for a week. A month ago, my son and I drove to Daytona Beach and saw the Daytona 500 NASCAR race. About 2 weeks ago, I bought a small old used motorhome that is in very good condition. I am going camping alone in some state campgrounds. I have taken on a new leadership role in my church.
All this is written to you to give you hope, if you are early in the grieving process.
I would love to hear of all of your growth experiences since your loss. Please tell us how proud you are of doing ....???? What have you done that you are proud of?
Now that it has been a year and 5 months, I have looked back to see how far I have come. I began lying in bed most days curled in a fetal position with eyes swollen from crying.
Now, I look back and see how I have grown. I had to overcome fear of being alone and doing things alone. At one month, I drove alone 60 miles to check on some property we had. At about 3 months, I drove 250 miles to visit my sister. At 10 months, for our anniversary date, I flew from FL to VA to visit his family for a week. A month ago, my son and I drove to Daytona Beach and saw the Daytona 500 NASCAR race. About 2 weeks ago, I bought a small old used motorhome that is in very good condition. I am going camping alone in some state campgrounds. I have taken on a new leadership role in my church.
All this is written to you to give you hope, if you are early in the grieving process.
I would love to hear of all of your growth experiences since your loss. Please tell us how proud you are of doing ....???? What have you done that you are proud of?
I dont if this counts as progress, but 2 weeks ago I put a contract on a condo and spoke to realtors about selling our house. I was shaking while I signed the contract, not because I thought it was the wrong thing to do, but because I have never bought or sold a home without my Joe.
Maggie
I am still in the same house, still in the same job (for now) and still looking after my pets but I have learned to deal with stuff that needs to be done.
Off to shovel some more snow and put some washer fluid in my car (another first).
Sounds like we are getting there, one step at a time.
Cindy xxoo
You've stepped up your game and have accomplished so many goals for independence. Kudos to you. I'm so happy that you can now measure how far you've come rather than how far you need to go.
My brave new world consists of finishing the house we had just moved into 6 months before my husband had his heart attack. It just passed inspection when we moved in, but the landfill, grading, swales, landscaping, and additional interior work was to be completed by my husband. It took me a year to sub-contract the rest of the work and get the house in "selling order," just in case.
From 2005 until now, my life and abilities have been drastically altered. Isn't it amazing what we can learn to do if we must? I've never lived on a farm before, so it was all new to me. I've learned to fell trees (with help from a neighbor, of course), split wood, operate the brush cutter, use power tools, manage the sugar camp (tapping trees, boiling down the sap, and keeping our seasonal customers happy), worked out a land lease contract with a nearby farmer, consoled and thought through options with our daughter when the economy wrecked havoc in her life (companies closing and no jobs available that would support a single-parent home), retired after 27 years at the same job, taken several road trips but by far Disney World being my favorite (drove straight through from Ohio and found the company of myself to be agreeable [my GPS didn't win one argument]), purchased a new car, and shock of all shocks I've learned to back up our 4-wheeler with the trailer attached and not jack-knife (I found it wasn't as easy it as it looks)!
I continue to remain on the farm thus far but know that the time is coming when I will no longer be able to handle the maintenance and attention that it needs. I keep abreast of farmland auctions and prices of homes nearby. I have no idea what or when I will do anything, but I like having a plan formulated before it is needed and I don't want sticker shock or to be blindsided.
It's amazing to read the posts and hear of the bravery of each and every survivor. It's a real testament to the spirit that remains, no matter how difficult the journey. Blessings to all of you. I have enjoyed hearing of the industrious accomplishments that represent survival while dealing with shocking losses. TJ
I have been without Jeff for just 3 months. We had started a business in July of last year after he invented and we patented the garage safety product. I quit my job last November to get the product manufactured and work from the house while still taking care of Jeff as his health got worse and we waited for his heart procedure.
Now I am still making the business work, waiting on the final sample of the product from the manufactures to arrive next week, finalize packaging and advertisement for a summer National Launch.
I have had to buy a new vehicle and sell Jeff's black Dodge truck which he loved so much. Too many issues and didn't want to put the money into it. It was hard to let it go, but I didn't need to keep it except for sentimental reasons.
Have had to hire someone to finish a bathroom that Jeff just couldn't get to due to his health issues.
I have found that I am no longer afraid of death and look forward to being with Jeff again someday. But in the meantime, I plan on living each day to the fullest, helping others when I can, giving to those who need things and expecting nothing in return. Jeff's dream was that when the business takes off, he would have gone to a store like WalMart at back to school time or Christmas time and handed out $100 gift cards to families. Or just paid for people's items as them were checking out. I hope that sometime in the near future to be able to do that. In his honor.
In May, my oldest graduates from HS. Next year will be my youngest son's Sr. year and then I will have an empty nest. I hope to have plans and goals that I can accomplish.
In the meantime, I will lean on all of my friends here at DS.
Thanks everyone for the support and inspiration. Liz
As for me, I have no intention of doing some of the things that some of you so bravely do or face ~~ for one thing my back would not allow me to do the outside labor that some of you have done. I am limited in the physical sense on lifting, digging, etc. (as long as I stay within the boundaries of my limits ~~ my back does well). Anyway, KUDOS to those of you who have taken on power tools, cutting logs, building fences, and whatever! :-) That takes a lot of will power and courage.
I bought a new car just a couple of months after my Joe died, but, my son was with me, so maybe that doesn't count. It felt great, but, also I felt guilty at first, and that is just part of the grief.
I sold Joe's cows (he loved his cows), and that was a major deal to me. He had always said if something happened to him for me to sell the cows. He knew I wouldn't know what to do with them. He took good care of his cows. It really hurt to look out and see an empty pasture. I also rented out the pasture land both here (for one year) and our on our other land. Had to find out from others who rented land what I needed to ask the rentee to do and how much to charge.
I had Joe's bathroom and a closet torn out and redone into a lovely bathroom, and our carpet torn out of the bedroom and a wooden floor put in, repainted our bedroom, bought a new bedroom suite and new mattress.
Joe's uncle and his first cousin (older than Joe) who is mentally handicapped became MY responsibility, instead of OURs. Because of the uncle's Alzheimer's their house became unlivable and I had to research Assisted Living Homes for the uncle and Adult Living for the cousin. Got the uncle moved into assisted living and had to let the cousin move in my garage apt. until I could get everything in order for him to draw SS and receive Medicaid. All of this before I could get him into a home. (I was so happy when he was moved to that home for adults with MR). I NEVER anticipated trying to take care of him w/o Joe!!!
Then, had to hire people to completely redo the uncle's house. It is a lovely home again now, and Lord, do I WISH it would sell!! Selling homes in this economy is a hardship!!
Of course, I also take my sister to doctors, etc. and the uncle too. I feel blessed to be able to do that for them.
I planned a Southern GTG and had it last Oct. at DeSoto State Park. Then, I drove to Ohio in Nov. to that GTG ~~ that was a big accomplishment for me ~~ to drive that far by myself!! Joe always did 90% of the driving ~ when we traveled. I am planning on going to the KY GTG also.
So, we all have learned to do things that we did not think we would do BY OURSELVES!!
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".Phil 4:13