Yes I believe that having gone though an illness with a spouse as you have and as I have we truly become different people. I know I am not the same as I was before. I know I am still grieving but deep down I know I have changed. My husband was sick for 12 years and the last 7 with Alzheimer's. As I look back it was only the grace of God that I survived it. Now as I begin this journey alone it feels like I am starting over and in a way I am. Thank you for your well written post.

Darcie, I know how you feel. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in Dec, it didn't and still doesn't phase me. I have been through the worse possible thing ever. If I can survive the loss of Brian, I can survive anything. Kind of makes me feel powerful now! Two years ago I thought my life was over. Never dreamed I'd be here in 2 years. But here I am...
Rachel

What you wrote is what I mean when saying to folks don't work at getting over it you find ways to live with what happened. Life will go one rather we are on board or standing at the station. The train will pull out. I am boarding that train knowing in my heart that Linda would be the one buying my ticket making sure I don't let myself get left behind. Crap is going to happen. We have to decide one of two things either be a survivor or let it take us out. Either way I will go the way of God's will.
Take care.
Peace, Tim

Oh Darcie, so good to read your post. I too have changed, presumably for the better, but changed I am. I've written it so many times before ....... In any given situation that would have previously caused me countless nights of head-spinning and future tripping, now I just ask myself, "What's the worst that can happen? Oh, that's right, it already did. She's dead". It's not so much that I'm a different person as I have just a whole different perspective on life. This weekend my new wife put on a Kate Hudson movie where she gets diagnosed with colon cancer. I sucked it up and watched it (thank God we went to bed before it was over), but I stayed with it. Tonight, I loaded up and took to Goodwill yet another car load of more piles of household decs I just couldn't bring myself to do anything with before. But now I have motivation. Try combining 2 households into an 1100 sq ft house that's already overflowing with my retail therapy purchases over these past 15 months. Somethings gotta give. And so I see the analagy of my removal of what Juani and I had at her end as given birth to a whole new life. New and improved. Living life for the moments and just focusing all of my love and energies on a completely different and unique woman who is now my 2nd wife. Odd, for so many months I just wanted my old life back, to pick up where I left off. Here's a tip. Our old life is gone. It died when our spouse died. Nothing remains the same. So don't even try to hang onto anything except the precious memories the two of you spent a life together building. An important part of this whole grief thing is getting ourselves healed enough so we first can function, and second, when we're ready, to let go. I didn't have a clue 31 years ago when I married the first time. Young and dumb, just figured it out as we went along. My God, if we knew what life had in store for us from beginning to end we would have so talked ourselves out of the most amazing journey possible. But every journey is unique when it involves a different person. What was before was as unique as the melding of two people make it. Change partners and its a whole new dance. And now, I find a freedom I never knew before. I'm no longer restrained from loving too much because at 58 I know I've got to make the most of my time remaining. I'm blessed to find a new life, new adventures, new love. So who cares if I screw it up? Not me. Love is the best bandage there is. My words here are from my heart. I never thought I'd be able to come out of the deep depression and grief that was sucking every last bit of life out of me. You know what I'm talking about. Sadness so thick you can't breath. But we manage, one breath at a time. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, month by month. And then we discover we just had a good day. And then another, and another, even though we have just a whole lot more bad days. But the fog lifts, so slowly, so subtly we don't even notice, and then one day, our eyes open like we awake from our worst nightmare, looking back at the worst time any of us had or ever could have in our entire lives. My grief period is just a blur to me. And the 4 months of cancer seem so surreal. Now I find myself wanting to worry about the what if's should I loose the 2nd love of my life. Ahhh, but then I realize that its not about that at all. It is only about love and creating and cherishing the moments in whatever time we have left together. Oh yeah, now I'm preparing for a whole house redo starting with tearing out the wall to wall carpeting and bringing back the 60 year old oak floors that have been under my feet this whole time. And best of all, I've got a wonderful woman who just happened to say yes when I proposed after meeting her for the first time the day before. Throw caution to the wind? You betcha. Now I know what being alive if for. And my time, well it's a wastin'. So like the line in Shawshank Redemption, We can get on with living, or we can get on with dying. Seize the day when you find yourself healed. Yes, grief will change us all. Only it is our choice whether to let it change us for the worse or change us for the better. Just give yourself plenty of time because that is the only cure for our broken hearts. God bless, guide and comfort us all. Thanks Darcie. I needed to write again :) ~~~ Scottie

I think it's a question of priorities. I don't 'sweat the small stuff' like I once did. I guess my guys got a different experience to yours, Darcie, because I had been the strong one before Cliff died, but they saw me crumble afterwards, but I picked myself up and kept going. I had to. No one else was going to do it for us. They knew I wasn't Super-Mom. Sometimes that was scary for them - they hated seeing me weep. I think my boys needed to know that grieving was okay and crying was a sane response. People kept telling them to "be strong for your mother" and other crap like that. At first, they hid their grief as best they could, but that wasn't remotely healthy! When the dam broke and it all finally came out, then it was that the healing really began I think.

There is a kind of freedom you wind up with. I don't know if it's crazy, but I listen to people piss and moan about trvial stuff and I just think, "My world died in my arms -- top that!" They can't. Ever. I guess some shrink would have a field day with that last statement. Oh well... lol...
Love and Hugs,
Martha

Staygolden3, This is a wonderful post. I love your spirit.... In life some things matter and other things matter much less or do not matter at all...Choosing which item fits into which point on that scale is the hard part, but it helps set perspective. I hope that this will help me set perspective in my life also.

Cliffskat, your reply also resounds with me. Since Amy's death 2 months ago, there has been a lot of upheaval at work. Possible layoffs, changes in management, etc. I told a friend about these things and then I reflected... I have already had the worst thing happen in my life two months ago. Nothing that happens at work can even come remotely close to that so I am not going to worry about that anymore. Choose what is important and focus on those things.

Thanks for the posts and the replies.

Blessing, Peace, Hope and hugs for today (I think that we all need those things.... they are some of the important things)...Mark

"Don't sweat the small stuff." We hear that a lot and it's a great idea. Our society though seems to thrive on conflict, pain and suffering and then tries it's best to sell us a way out. In the news biz the saying goes "If it bleeds, it leads". In any given situation we can find someone that will tell us how we have to care about it, positive or negative. We can listen to all those willing counselors but the choice is always ours. We alone get to choose whether we'll sweat all those obstacles that will come along in life or let all the good things we experience take precedence. All those things are cumulative and we can choose which ones we'll build this life upon. Good or not so good. When you think about it the choice is clear. We've known loss and we've known joy and we understand what caring really means. Though it may not be the last time you'll have that conversation with her, you gave your daughter a valuable lesson in caring that she'll come to understand in her own time. Thanks for sharing that lesson with us.
Peace and big ((hugs))
~John

It's all so true, all of your comments, and Darcie, you could not have said it better. We are all forever changed from our loss. Like most of you, I felt a sense of the worst thing having happened to me, the day David died, all the rest seems so insignificant.
When my son said "I'm just not there yet Mom".............I thought, where? You are not where yet? Are we going somewhere? I am simply living...choosing life. Because let me tell you, the tears still flow daily at random, the love for David will always be there, and so will the tears for all that he will not share with us. I have chosen to keep living, and yes I believe it is always a choice. I too am a strong woman, but that strength was tested with David's passing. Our children, have their own grief to work through, and sadly, they too have to choose to treasure the moments and memories they shared with their father or wallow in sadness and even anger that their parent is gone from them. We have all asked WHY, but as Darcie said, It is what it is...................no question answered will change that. We can choose LIFE and live it to the fullest for the time we are given, because one thing that each of us now knows for certain is..........we are guaranteed nothing. This inner peace God has granted me is such a blessing. I find myself hugging more, smiling more, and telling people how much I love them..........life is fleeting...........choose to live it. I want JOY in my life every single day, and I find it in most unexpected places, but I do find it every day!

Thanks Darcie, for sharing. I see your posts to others who are struggling, and I find you to be a VERY caring person, giving of her time always to help others in their grief. If you have changed, I feel certain it is only for the better!!
Hugs,
Cindy

Wow, Darcie, you really got me with your post. You expressed so well exactly how I'm feeling at this point in my life. After the death of my husband just over a year ago (and surviving breast cancer 5 years ago), life just doesn't get to me like it did before. I cannot get excited over the small stuff. I'm just trying to live day by day while serving the Lord. Thanks for much for sharing with us.

This is a wonderful post. It's so true that, after the love of our life dies, in spite of all our efforts, our brains change. Take care all.
Dianne

Yes I have definitely been changed. I also find things that would have bothered me before do not. I live with less fear of the unknown now. But I also find that I am more impatient than I used to be. This becomes a problem with my parents. My mom gets very dramatic about some of the smallest things and I feel very impatient with her. I try very hard not to let that reflect in my voice but every so often.... Oh well, I am human after all. I am also impatient for the next chapter of my life. I am restless here caretaking mom and dad. There is a feeling that there is not that much time and if I am going to enjoy my life I had better get at it now! So I will be traveling for 10 days with my bestest longtime gal friend in October. Also am trying to get another friend to come visit and see Galveston, space center ect. I am taking every chance I can to get out of the house even if its just for 10 minutes. I am doing what I can to answer this call within me to make changes, do things, see things, live life. I am not afraid, I am not afraid...you have no idea how sweet that is for me.

my famous saying... "It is what it is" Your not alone, my house build isnt going right, my washing completely burnt up, they had to send two, because the first new one, didnt work. Then had a tub overflow, everytime I turn around something is getting damaged or breaking. But you said, each thing will works itself out. Im learning patience, and to not worry as much. Sean always tried to tell me, or teach me. Hell of a way to learn, now that he is gone. Your are a brave, and loving woman, and I'm praying for some relief or the things going wrong at your place. Much love and hugs carla

We care on a completely different level now don't we. Everything is in a totally different perspective. I had my mother in the ER this week with bronchitis. Not horrible, except that everything at 82 with dementia is an issue. One small set back can lead to use losses. And as my brother walked in I said to him "it is what it is. Some day it will go wrong even worse." Not that I don't care, I care so god damn much, just that it is inevitable and at a certain point, you just accept. Great post Darcie!
Hugs,
Val

Don't think anything is ever going to feel like such a big deal or emergency, after being through the worst.

The problem is trying to find some enthusiasm for what remains and get some enjoyment out of smaller things anyways.

Not going to react like a small problem is the end of the World for sure.

I was the take charge person in my life whether at home or work. After my husband died I fell apart. At first it seemed terrible not knowing what to do or not do, but looking back at was a blessing. I needed to rebuild and I have. I care more deeply than before because I know how important it is not to waste time on small and often unchangeable circumstances. Do I get frustrated at times, yes. But my priorities are firm. Thanks for the thought provoking post. Sharon