Just 3 months for me. But I look forward to an easier time. A time where my chest doesn't ack all the time. A time where just the mention of his name doesn't bring tears to my eyes. I know his memory will always be with me and a longing for him to be here. But I know I now need to look forward to a time where it just doen't hurt so bad. I am hoping that after the 1st of everything comes and goes the time of memories will bring more smiles to my face then tears to my eyes. I really am hoping for that because I don't want to continue with this pain for the rest of my life. I put one foot in front of the other each day with the hope of better days to come.

The time will come when it is not so raw. Last a week a person I know asked about Sal and I advised him she was deceased over a year ago. I can now talk about it with no tears during my conversation. I will always miss her but she occupies a place in my heart of a past life and I must for my own sanity move forward with my new life. I do not love her less, it is just that the 31 years is past and I must grow with the future. Time erases the rawness of it but never the memory. To be whole one must move forward as there is life to be lived for the taking.

Hugs to all!

Dewman

statsmaster; what you stated in your post is what keeps me going, thanks

Ramar,

What seems like an impossible journey caused me to reflect on my life and focus on what really matters. My conclusion is that what really matters is knowing that some one cares about you. I have several that care about me but the DS family continues to amaze me with the compassion, caring and understanding of each others woes and the unwavering support when we are in a time of need. I have PM'ed several when I felt that a little more personal attention was in order. In return many have done the same for me. To grow we must move forward honoring the past but keeping a positive attitude that great change is in our future. I now speak from experience of the grow and changes taking place in my life.

I wish all the best and keep moving forward with eyes and heart open. Some great things may be in the future that you cannot imagine now.

Peace to all!

Dewman

Actually, after 26 months. I found the 2nd year was worse. 1st year, your emotions you wore on your sleeve. after the 1 st year is over. Everyone expects you to be "over" it. So, you have to grieve in the closet, where no one can see, hear you. the first year, I muddled through, the 2nd I tiptoed through. Now I wonder what happened to those years. I can't remember what I did?

I just passed my firsts . . . I felt relieved and went through the actual first heaven anniversary with peace. I was proud of myself and then a few weeks later hit the wall unexpectedly (his birthday). Life is still infinitely better than those initial months going into even nine months. Progress abounds! One day at a time without expectations. Slowly it does get better! As for me, not looking into the second year with trepidation. Maintaining a positive attitude for moving on to happier times and getting my life back!! I wish you the same. Hugs, Dayna

Hi Mary, For me it was one day at a time for a very long time after the one year mark. The grief didn't/doesn't get easier or less difficult per se but it certainly changes. It becomes less raw, less trigger happy, less consuming and debilitating. I'm in year three and there are still some very hard days but also some very joyful ones and then all the everyday days in between. It feels like a life again at any rate. So how do you feel?

Each year is different. As you know, I have been through several anniversaries now, as I lost Cliff in November 2007. Each year is different, the issues are different, each anniversary has been different. Whatever you feel is perfectly all right.

I think the biggest difference is that other people react differently to your loss. My healing has been more or less a continuous process since the day he died - not some overnight miracle. I didn't wake up at a year plus one day and suddenly everything was different. I had been working my way through it just as you have been doing. However, a lot of people around me thought that because it had been more than a year that somehow Cliff's name should never be mentioned and that I should be "over it."

Guess what? Cliff's story was MY story for 30 years. I did not join the Witness Protection Program - I became a widow. I have a right to talk about MY life and Cliff was a huge part of that for 30 years, and his legacy is still with me even now.

I tell you this in case anyone tries to make you feel bad for still missing him and still grieving. You have a right to feel whatever you feel. Others who don't understand may try to tell you what to feel. You won't get that treatment here!

I am still sorry for your loss and that it still hurts. But glad you have come so far.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Thanks everyone for your help, compassion and understanding...you all have been such a wonderful support for me this past year. I don't post a lot, but read everything that is posted. Just knowing others are going or been through this process is so helpful.
Thanks for listening.
Mary

It has been 10 months for me & I am surprised that I do feel a bit better as far as the anger & depression that I felt earlier on. Not one moment of every day though goes by without me thinking of him or sometimes just feeling his presence. But, I am truly surprised at feeling a bit better. I used to just cry & sob in the car driving to & from work... God those days were awful.. I wondered how come I didn't die from my broken heart. He would come to me many times in my dreams...I think he was trying to comfort me, anyway I think it worked. I still can't believe that this is our end, no one ever thinks of that.. I just assumed we would die together like me & him always joked about. Now when I see a couple together I think to myself "They are lucky.... but they should treasure every moment.. cause you never know when your world will change"

Peace & Love to all