Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
My dear husband died unexpectedly in a car accident in February-- 3 months ago. He was looking forward to the disco-themed 70's bash we were planning to celebrate his 70th birthday. He died 10 days before. He hadn't even retired yet and did not take a penny from social security.
I could not believe it then, and sometimes still don't, except I wake up feeling anxious every morning.
He was going to work on our Wills after he retired, so I am having to go through finances, etc. I was mainly hanging out until he retired so we could play. I gave up my business and volunteer activities when I moved to our retirement home in another state to be closer to family while he finished his last job assignment.
I went to a psychic Medium last weekend after reading a book, because I wanted to connect with my husband, and hear how he was doing. The Medium told me lots of things and I was very excited. I then happily told my son, who debunked everything, saying "Mom, there is so much stuff out on the internet, the guy probably looked things up and fed them to you..." He looked up the online obituary and pretended he was the Medium to show me how that would work. So now I am not so excited. A bit disappointing because I so wanted to communicate with husband again.
I should be settling more financial stuff, digging into accounts, etc.
I should be getting rid of all his wonderful clothes and shoes.
But instead I look at old photos of him, redecorate, go out to eat with family and friends whenever they invite me...put one foot in front of the other...Exist, missing him a lot, and being alone. I feel I should be doing more. I did get my thank you notes written, to those who gave money or flowers, finally. I feel I should write an email to everyone who sent a card, but there are at least a hundred...
I'm grateful to my 4 big dogs who are keeping me grounded and comforted and safe with them.
I'm planning trips for my family and myself to use up all his frequent flier miles because I'm afraid they'd be taken from me if they found out my husband was gone.
My daughter suggested I join a widow support group, and I found this site.
Can anyone share their experiences with Probate-- how long does it take to settle things?
Any experience with late spouse's frequent flier miles?
Does anyone have actual experience with a psychic Medium? Not interested in your opinions, just actual experiences.
What to do with their clothes? When? I could use the closet space for myself but feel a bit guilty and sad to clear out his stuff!
Thank you all, in advance, for anything you'd like to comment on to help me along this unplanned, unwanted journey.
I could not believe it then, and sometimes still don't, except I wake up feeling anxious every morning.
He was going to work on our Wills after he retired, so I am having to go through finances, etc. I was mainly hanging out until he retired so we could play. I gave up my business and volunteer activities when I moved to our retirement home in another state to be closer to family while he finished his last job assignment.
I went to a psychic Medium last weekend after reading a book, because I wanted to connect with my husband, and hear how he was doing. The Medium told me lots of things and I was very excited. I then happily told my son, who debunked everything, saying "Mom, there is so much stuff out on the internet, the guy probably looked things up and fed them to you..." He looked up the online obituary and pretended he was the Medium to show me how that would work. So now I am not so excited. A bit disappointing because I so wanted to communicate with husband again.
I should be settling more financial stuff, digging into accounts, etc.
I should be getting rid of all his wonderful clothes and shoes.
But instead I look at old photos of him, redecorate, go out to eat with family and friends whenever they invite me...put one foot in front of the other...Exist, missing him a lot, and being alone. I feel I should be doing more. I did get my thank you notes written, to those who gave money or flowers, finally. I feel I should write an email to everyone who sent a card, but there are at least a hundred...
I'm grateful to my 4 big dogs who are keeping me grounded and comforted and safe with them.
I'm planning trips for my family and myself to use up all his frequent flier miles because I'm afraid they'd be taken from me if they found out my husband was gone.
My daughter suggested I join a widow support group, and I found this site.
Can anyone share their experiences with Probate-- how long does it take to settle things?
Any experience with late spouse's frequent flier miles?
Does anyone have actual experience with a psychic Medium? Not interested in your opinions, just actual experiences.
What to do with their clothes? When? I could use the closet space for myself but feel a bit guilty and sad to clear out his stuff!
Thank you all, in advance, for anything you'd like to comment on to help me along this unplanned, unwanted journey.
I still have all of my husbands things and he died in Jan......it is ok to take all the time you need.
I am sure others will be along to answer your other questions, but I just wanted to say welcome.
Jen
I can't help with probate or frequent flier miles, but I can share my experience with my husband's clothes. It's been almost 11 months since my husband passed, and I can't bring myself to clean out his closet. I've tried!
One day I took the clothes out of the closet, folded them in piles, started to cry, and then put them all back in the closet.
Everyone grieves differently. Do what you want, when you want ... take care of YOU, and take all the time you need.
Hugs,
Janie
You mentioned to speak from experience . . . so the above is mentioned from experience. I don't seek out mediums, because I have developed my own sixth sense. (We all can) . . I have had experiences both with the charlatan type and those that are truly gifted. Only you will be able to ascertain the difference. Trust your heart. BTW, you don''t need a "medium" to communicate with your deceased hubby. You can do this on your own . . simply speak to him and eventually he will visit you. Be careful, however, how open you are when inviting the "afterlife" to come visit. He may come with friends that are not welcome. Simply a caution to be careful and specific of what you ask for.
Secondly, probate?! I am in the throes of this right now. It's horrible. There are no easy answers and don't expect it to be over within a year, possibly two . . or longer . . depending upon the circumstance. Not sure what yours are? Not an easy journey in any case. Tighten up and limit expectations.
As for the necessity to get rid of his wonderful clothing and shoes? No hurry. I'm 14 months in and delegated a guest room as his shrine. Not in a hurry to get rid of anything! No pressure. This will also tie into probate. If you have a competent attorney, they will confirm that this is NOT the time to get rid of anything. Preserve all.
I'm so sorry for your loss and that you had to find and join us. However, you've come to a great site with many caring folks (we call them "family") . . . we are with you. Hugs, Dayna
I went through probate and it took exactly one year to the month. Mine went smoothly and I was only in court for 15 minutes for the judge to name me as executor. Laws regarding probate are different for each state. I suggest you talk to a trusted attorney as soon as possible and get that ball rolling. However, my experience was a positive one.
I joined a local hospice group which I stayed a part of for two years. I went too early in my grief the first time at only two months. I attended the group but I left after two meetings. I came back at the 8 month mark and stayed. It was a great experience and I made several friends.
Working through grief is a hard job, but there were some things I decided early one. One was that I was going to learn how to live again because I want to enjoy my life. Brian fought too hard to stay with me for me to no longer care about life. Secondly, I had to learn to live alone as I had never done that in my life. I can honestly say that I am content in my oneness. I am alone, but not lonely. I'm doing things for myself now and it's actually a pleasant experience.
One piece of advice.....don't give up. I needed to decide what I wanted in life because I think it would have been easy for me to give up, but I chose to work hard and live again.
Nessie from KY
I have no experience with mediums or Frequent Flyer miles. When we purchased a new car a year before my husband passed, we never thought we would have to use it but we took out extra insurance to cover either one of us in the event of one of us passing away. I almost forgot about it but after putting in a claim and proving that his was not a pre exiting condition the insurance did pay off the car.
Some churches take good care of the Homeless. Jackets, and sweatshirts are needed for the winter. I took the rest to Hope Hospice Thrift Store. They sell the clothes and use the money for the wonderful care they provide. I kept some and still have them almost nine years later. I visited the cemetery almost every day. I needed to feel that we were still together. I joined a ladies gym nearby and would workout after visiting the cemetery. It was my routine.
Take one day at a time. The people here really care about how you're doing. Your daughter has a good suggestion . Hope Hospice has support groups. It's great you have the pets. They are your best friends. Wishing you peace. Hugs, Dolores
I was trying to figure out how to delete some of my post because I don't want people to think I'm a weirdo for asking about the Medium. I never really thought about that until after my husband died, and never had a penchant to communicate with dead people before! He's the only one whose death has affected me so deeply.
Unfortunately it looks like we can't delete on this site, right? Oh well...
I'm glad I found this site. I used to be on facebook a lot, but think people may get tired of me posting things about my husband- they are more interested in cute dog pics or what they made for dinner...No one I know is a widow because everyone is pretty young.
So, thanks for having me here!
I didn't realize Probate would take a year, but now I will try to be more patient...
We don't judge each other. We're here to be supportive as we're all on the same journey.
Hugs,
Janie
I still have all Susie's clothes but I intend to give them to Goodwill. You are lucky to have dogs. They will comfort you. Hugs Chris
The clothes and belongings: I think you are moving pretty fast on things. Remember this - what was his is now YOURS. People may try to pressure you to get rid of things, but you don't have to. People came out of the woodwork asking me for things when my husband died, and foolishly I gave away things I regretted later. It is perfectly okay to take your time.
As far as mediums....I do not believe in them. Never have. I know my husband would never put me in a situation where I would have to pay money to a stranger to communicate. Cliff has been around in dreams and other signs, and I think after some time passes, you will probably have signs and such from your husband, too. I promised my co-Community Leaders I wouldn't get on my soapbox about mediums again, so I will stop there. :)
Again, I am sorry you needed us, but glad you found us. Welcome.
Love and Hugs,
Martha, co-Community Leader
I'm sorry your positive feelings of talking to a medium were ruined. I won't judge them because I don't know if the one you visited was true or not. You were feeling good about your experience and I hope you can find that hope again.
I talk to my husband often and always have. I believe he is still with me, just in a new way. I will always love him, but am able to continue with my life. That was my goal.
I had no problem with probate and it went by quickly. I gave his possessions to others as I was ready to part with each of them. No rush. You don't have to do anything anyone tells you but take care of you. I'm here to help. Sharon
We all respond differently to the death of a spouse. I am DEAF, due to German Measles as a child, so I depended a great deal on my late husband as a crutch. It has been extremely difficult for me and and have been ripped off here and there.
You have to learn from the experience and I have learned that there are no shortcuts. Good luck and be well.
There are no rules or timeframes to do anything that you do to prepare for your life alone. You MUST do it when it feels right.....if that's tonight or next year.....no one can judge,.
Use the frequent flyer miles....You don't have to get rid of his clothes just combine it and spread your stuff out.....When you wake-up feeling anxious....go outside......breathe deeply through your nose,.fill-up your lungs with fresh air and just cry!!!!!
We're on the Journey with you and I'm so sorry for your pain.
Roz
I do not think going to a Medium its what it is I would not worry about the fact you did. Some are legit some not so who knows.
Probate mine in WA state was done in less than 6 months but in each state and depending upon your estate etc. it depends. Its best to get a lawyer that deals with that right away to also protect yourself from those who give bad advice (in my case our bank).
Two days after my husband died in Colorado unexpectedly our good friend had a fire lost everything. I gave him my husbands jeans and boots HE was very appreciative and felt privileged to get them. SO his other clothing was not so hard to give to goodwill. Other things It took awhile - depending on certain things. And than his sons took me to court for things but they only got "Things" which I would have given them anyway. And some things I made sure special people got things I knew he would have wanted. SO its to each when and how their lives were.