Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I have a question for those out there. Ryan was sick for a long time and during the last year I had intermittent family leave as well as continuous leave (FMLA). He died 12/26/14 and I think I was back to work on 01/12/15. This is after three years of battling cancer with him. He started to really get bad in August of 2014 and that was when I had to start depending on his parents to come and sit with him and make sure he ate and got the meds he needed, that he didn't run a fever or something like that. And since I had this weird feeling I wouldn't hear him if I slept in our bedroom I was sleeping on the couch by his chair so every time he was up I was up. I was working maybe four days a week then between doctors appointments and Ryan maybe running a fever or vomiting all night I didn't feel like I could leave him. So long story short I was pretty much running on empty by the time he passed. I think I slept for two whole days after. Now four months later I got called on some of my "errors" that I have been making at work, nothing serious that can't be fixed but enough that my work is not at the standard that it was before for my boss to notice it. He actually asked if something was wrong.... um yes, My husband died about four months ago, I came back to work from basically being gone since August, I had to start looking for a new house because my in-laws were pushing me out of my current home, I moved to a new house, and oh yeah did I tell you my husband died 4 months ago..... Anyways I was just wondering if anyone went on FMLA after a spouse passed and if so what did you do with your time? I am seriously considering doing this, I can see it in myself that I am starting to shut down. I don't feel like I have even had the actual time to grieve that I should have gotten and my therapist thinks my major meltdown will come one day while I am going thru the boxes in my new home and putting things away. I am purposely leaving going thru some of his stuff for last but I need to work but I don't know if maybe I need some time for an extensive therapy sessions or what because as of right now I really have no PTO and I am constantly having to make up hours to go to sessions since their last appointments are at 4. Any suggestions?
Hug Sandra
Back to you . . . all I can say is that you need time to grieve. You need to rest and gather your scattered energies. I don't know how you can best manage this with your work. I hope someone else will have some advice for you, as I know many here have gone back to work after the loss of their spouse.
I'll be thinking of you and sending positive healing energy your way along with an "answer" to your question(s). Hugs, D
I didn't use any extra FMLA after I lost my wonderful husband last October, mostly because it would have been leave without pay which I couldn't afford, but I do take late mornings, early departures, and a day here and there of annual leave when I really need to rest and regroup. My supervisor is very supportive, and when I first came back he asked what he could do and all I asked is that he be "flexible." And he has been.
Good Luck!!!
There are a couple of things you might try....
One would be to see if you can use donated leave. I had no leave time left after my bereavement leave was used (which was only a week). Our big boss donated leave so that I could have time off and come back part-time/flextime, which helped a lot. Some organizations will have a provision for donating leave to help out a fellow employee. If you have friends with extra leave in their leave banks, they donate some of theirs for your use.
Another idea would be to talk with your therapist about going out on disability leave due to stress. I have known widows/widowers who have done that, but it takes a professional to verify that you qualify for it. Under various protections for disabled workers, they can't fire you, and I believe they have to keep your position open for you. Check with your counselor about this for your situation.
I did my grief counseling sessions on my lunch hours. I don't know if that would work for you, but possibly that would help. My counselor was through our Employee Assistance Program and was within walking distance.
I do agree with Lisa, if there is someone more sympathetic to speak to, talk with them. The fact that you have lost your husband and been forced out of your home and this guy can't figure out what's wrong - well, clueless to put it mildly.
I was under a lot of pressure at work, and some days my performance was not up to snuff. I did, however, touch base regularly with my supervisors and bosses so that they knew I was taking steps to get through it and improve. It was hard. I had to compartmentalize my grief. I would tell myself that if I could just keep it together until I got home, then I could cry and fall apart all I wanted to. I wound up sort of scheduling my grief -- I set aside time for it every night. To make it through the work day, I walked on my coffee breaks -- and you better believe I took my breaks! And I journaled on my lunch hours - rapid stream of consciousness stuff, sometimes about how frustrated I was with my coworkers who didn't 'get it.' A friend here at DS also recommended telling people I was "F.I.N.E." -- which stands for "F**ked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Exhausted." I know that's terrible, but it actually helped me to say that and get people off my back and out of my personal business.
I am sorry these are such tough times. Don't give up. You can get through this.
Love and Hugs,
Martha