Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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tpoulos 02/23/2011

CRY. Your tears testify to your love. And Tears that spring from love help bring healing and renewal.......

SO CRY......

**************************
Ignore others' attempts to tell you how to feel or how long to feel.

It may seem as if you'll never feel truly happy again. But be assured that you will----and your joy will have a richness and a depth that comes from your
having known profound pain and profound healing..

Mourn not just for the loss of what was but also for what will never be. and then gently, lovingly let go.

When some persons' attempts to comfort you only deepen the hurt, forgive them for not understanding. Later. when you comfort someone else,
remember what not to say.

and the best medicine.....

Be with those who also are grieving . As you tell your stories, you will share an understanding of the heart that is deeper than words....

doyew 02/23/2011

This is good - and you are so right. Most of the things people say to the newly widowed are the WRONG thing. "You'll be fine" "You are young - you have time to find someone else" "He/she's in a better place" and on and on. We shouldn't be offended, for unless people have suffered this loss - they don't have a clue! About the only acceptable thing to say is "I'm so sorry" . And we truly do know how others feel now - so hopefully we can be encouraging!
Doye

deleted_user 02/24/2011

very nice thought. People stop taling to you about your husband after a while - hate that. I love to talk about him. I guess they think that you will feel sad, but for me, it really helps to remember that we have had such happy times, and to be grateful for that. Now, after almost two years, people don't give advice at all - now that my brain is functioning again - I need advice!!!! No right or wrong - just the moment.

Nicker07 02/24/2011

I agree this is good I am going to keep this on my refrig.

Thanks

tpoulos 02/24/2011

Don't you just hate it that people stop talking about your loved
one, and sort of pause when you mention their name , I like to say
things like Jim this Jim that.... EXCUSE ME....but my husband did
exist and was a living human being and we had a life until he
passed away.... I DO NOT want to forget him, his memory our
memories .... sorry folks if you are uncomfortable....

CGRMOM 02/24/2011

When my husband died I was 35..I new no one who was widowed and for 2 years I kept everything bottled inside so my kids could see a strong Mom...one day talking to my next door neighbor who was only about 10 years older than me..she kind of gave me different advise than others..she said to me...Jay will live on forever in your childrens smiles and laughter..in the stories you share with others and in your heart where he will only die with you..and for the first time I cried from something beautiful said to me..turns out she was widowed at the age of 22 and left with a 2 year old..she became my close close friend and someone who helped me so much through the next years of my life. Miss you Annie

deleted_user 02/24/2011

My husband was Buddhist from 20 years old on...I have been since I was 32...and whereas people (who don't know) will walk up and say "He is in Heaven now" or "God needed him" or any number of useless platitudes...or "I'll pray for you" (to me) and I just nod and smile and be agreeable...it makes me absolutely INSANE when friends/family- in short...anyone who knew he had been Buddhist for more than half his life does this.

It is just flat out disrespectful. To me. To him. To what we believe.
My 2 cents.

(...and yes...it isn't very ZEN to let these things make me insane...I'm working on it...)

Carla

michaelbmanning 02/24/2011

I strongly feel that if people don't know what to say, they should just STFU. I, too, have heard the comments about finding another...to help me raise Mike's kids. I thought I had parenting down a long time ago. I do not need help, nor do I need someone; a man, to come in and run my business that Mike worked hard at. My mother-in-law no longer wishes to hear Mike's name, or that of his dad and brother who are deceased. I do not visit her anymore because of that.

What I have learned from my experience over the last six months is not disrespect someone going through difficlut times.

Maggie

deleted_user 02/25/2011

My husband died last May, very suddenly of a heart attack, so many people came and spoke to me - but they didn't understand how I felt, - still feel. Their words annoyed and upset me, so I shut myself away from people, but now thanks to the internet I can find true friends - widows like myself, and widowers, who know exactly how I feel and what I am going through....

deleted_user 02/25/2011

Isn't it difficult to have someone who still has their spouse come up and say "I know how you feel".

Because...they can't and they don't.

It is better to just say "I'm so sorry"

(((hugs))

Carla

lovelos 02/25/2011

Thanks so much for your advice. My friends and family are expecting me to be less emotional but it isn`t happening. It has just been over 3 months and some times I think I am worse now than at the beginning.
Hugs Lu Ann

deleted_user 02/25/2011

I am definitely seeing people pull away because at 8 months I think they look at me as just sad for still having 'leaky times'. My neighbor/ friend was talking about a woman from excercise class who lost her husband after 30+ yrs. Telling me that she is doing very well and even was at class. When I said she was probably in a fog...her reply was "oh no, I think she is just a very intelligent and strong woman and knew this was coming with him being so ill for so long (in hospital for last 3 mos.) she's going to be fine." ....um...and I'm still grieving and feeling lost because I'm not intelligent or strong? Just don't think much do you? lol And this is from a friend/nieghbor who has been supportive through his illness? Silly humans...always disappointing each other. lol Just trying to forgive and let go...of lots of things..sending hugs to all.

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