I understand what your dr is trying to say but I dont think the issue is proving to anyone our love. The reality is grief is a complicated process and everyone must travel their journey with it in their own unique way. I guess what I am trying to say is our feelings are our feelings and we must experience and process them. Yes we must be strong for our kids but we must also be gentle on ourselves. If what the dr said gives you strength but all means embrace it. Gerald

Maybe "prove" isn't quite the right word, but I think I understand what you mean, Kara. I'm sure that when people see me on those very rare occasions when I venture out with friends to a coffee shop, etc. some of them probably are thinking "Well, she looks like she's having a good time; she mustn't be missing Sam that much."

Little do they know, I've mustered up all the strength that I can in order to go out for a short time of socialization. At first, I was worried about what people would think, concerned that if I appeared too light-hearted, they would not have seen "proof" of my grief.

Fortunately, I have come to realize that what you said near the end of your post is so much more important: those whom we have lost knew that we loved them, and we knew that they loved us. Nothing more than that really matters after all.

Your doc is right. What you are feeling is guilt, and guilt is the single most useless emotion we go through on the grief roller coaster. It serves no purpose except to wipe our energy out, which we really can't afford to let happen.

There are always going to be people who will criticize you either way. They are the same people who probably criticized you behind your back while he was alive, too. If you ever think widows are pathetic, just stop and think for a moment how pathetic somebody has to be to criticize how we deal with it all!

Hold your head high and keep going. You're doing fine.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

@ Gerald
I wish that this site had a Thank You feature . Your explanation is exactly how I think and feel about this process and journey.

Karatxmo, there are some truth to what your Dr said in regards to move on but I also knew even before Howie passing away that I did not need to prove anything to anyone but myself.

Thank you for this. I think at least for me that I worry to much about what others will think if they happen to see me when I am having an ok moment. I think that is where the 'prove' comes in and we dont have to prove our love or our sorrow to anyone. If they see us ok and doubt for one minute the struggle grief brings daily than they can take a flying leap.

I'm like Bandi, they see me when I have worked hard to prepare for it. So no, they don't know the whole picture.
There is that survivor guilt thing to it also. I wish I could have done more, lived more and shared more...also have taken that hit for him out of love.
These are things others don't see on the surface.

Jewells

I agree, it sounds like you have adjusted your life to establish a routine that is working well for you and your children. Give yourself credit for this accomplishment. Sometimes, though I have adjusted just like you, I look around me, shake my head, and think, how can she not be here with us. That, is when the grief still hits.Those moments, I think, will be with us for some time, until we reach full acceptance at some point, as a wise member of this site has recently taught me, that eventually we must, to begin a new life. We are successful in adjusting, yet we miss the way it was. Sometimes when we feel good about our accomplishment, we also feel that flash of guilt. How could we be happy, even for a moment, when they are not here to share it. My counselor has helped me see things a little differently, by asking me if I were looking down at Sharry, and she had become successful at mowing and yard work, as an example, and she felt a sense of joy in what she had accomplished. Would I be upset with her? Would I want her to feel guilty? I, of course, would be proud of her. I would be relieved, that she was adjusting, and I would want her to feel good about herself, and the last thing I would want is for her to feel guilty about her accomplishments. With this role reversal technique, we can see ourselves, and our struggles and progress through the eyes of the loving spouse, who is cheering us on, never wanting to hold us back.The other people's opinion part, what Martha said is right on. There isn't a person out there, who hasn't lost a spouse, that has any clue what hell we are passing through. Therefore any opinion they may have about us, how we are doing, or how we should be doing, is completely invalid, and should be discarded as ignorant babbling.
So glad you are doing well. Be proud of yourself. Hugs to you and your kids
.

I agree with everything you said matthew90. and I didn't mean to use the word "prove" to offend people. basically I meant that no one has to act a certain way for our spouse and others to know how much we loved our spouse. what others see is just a small fraction. they don't see us at our weakest. they don't know where we are or where we have been. we don't need to act a certain way for them.