I learned a long time ago: Don't ask the question if you aren't ready to hear the answer.

Regardless of where the blame fell, I appreciate all the answers I received to my prior post. I also gained more respect for this online community. If ever there was a chance for online communication to go awry, it could be here with all of us on our individual roller-coasters. I saw that this site is kindly monitored by those further along who give of their time to do so. I find that extraordinary. Thank you.

My take-aways from having asked my question are these:

I am still my son's mother same as when he was young. What I do sends a message and that message can be good or it can be bad. I asked my question because the message I want him to recieve is that I DO love him - unconditonally. Some responses, though hard to read, helped me to see that I must look past the condtions that are in place if he is to believe this. I cannot change any of them, nor is it any of my business to. I can only change me. I am deeply aware that this is a very critical moment. I am seeking guidance from every source I can lay my hands on to quell what has happened, not add more hurt.

One reply spoke of my having lost my confidant. I have. My husband was the one to whom I could always turn. He didn't always have answers but he had the kindest, strongest arms to wrap me up in. He held me so completely that once I was snuggled in there, it didn't matter anymore what the problem had been. Now I have no family whatsoever in the area. None. Do I therefore carry this alone and go about business as usual? Prior to my husband's death, my friends played a different role in my life. I had little need then to share much about intimate issues with them because those remained between him and myself. I am blessed with many friends. I turn to them. I don't consider sharing my grief as gossiping and I did find the use of that word in regard to my situation offensive. Before I brought this issue to this community, I had already spoken with the friend who went public with my private business. Her error, not mine. I appreciate the reminders I received that I keep in mind how hurt my son and daughter-in-law have been by reading those words. Before I ever shared any of this with my friend, I had already been talking with my son as the months were going by, as both of us were trying to navigate our grief - he trying to balance wanting to take good care of his own family and ours - and me trying to balance remaining mindful of this and weighing out what my real needs were before making a request of his time. We both lost our balance and unfortunately, the thing tipped over. Sometimes though a thing has to fall completely apart before it can be rebuilt stronger.

I completely agree that I and my son come together and talk. That is my hope. I am being honest that this will only happen if his wife allows it. My son and I met together one time before, a long while back when my husband was first receiving treatment. We spent a couple of hours together talking about what we were facing and even in the face of that, we both agreed our time together had been so good. We had held each other, cried some, laughed some and had parted feeling stronger. A while later my son had shared with my husband and I that he and his wife fought for a couple of days after because she felt she should have been included. Maybe she should have been. I can't turn that clock back. Maybe it will not be possible now for my son and I to talk together. If so, I must accept that. Before I even pose the question, however, I need to be fully ready able to hear the answer.