Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Death & Dying
/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

Widow & Widower

Lacie75
Lacie75

I can not believe I have not been in here for a year or more.   The last time I was here was to complain about D A T I N G ... ugly word!   My husband died in April 2014 after being ill 12 years, total kidney failure at age 44.   We were together 42 years ... I would not have bothered with the whole D A T I N G thing except my only child lives 3,000 miles away from me and is married with no children ... the only "family" I have is my youngest sister in law, her husband, 3 kids and 2 grandchildren.   I have a wonderful circle of friends also who have been my total support for a long time!  Nearly 8 months back, I met the most fantastic man, he was widowed 2+ years ago after being married decades also.   His wife was only ill 8 months when she died.  We are committed, we are traveling together, his family (and by that I mean his elderly mother, his siblings, their children, his two adult sons, their wives ... his friends and co workers) neither of us are marriage minded or "live in " minded ... we just have fallen HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE (his words not mine) I NEVER EXPECTED THIS AT OUR AGE ... it is like DIVINE INTERVENTION!   We are both just HAPPY ... we are the exact same age, we are both in the business world career wise ... it just all works.   What I have found is that there are times when his love for his deceased wife and his love for me conflict and then he feels bad ... unnecessary for him to feel  bad ... I was in a different place than him b/c my husband was so ill for so long ... I was pretty much prepared to MOVE ON ... but I am still in the same situation ... when u r widowed, u do not choose to lose your spouse ... your spouse is taken from you ... so, for us, and I would NOT date again, I am the one that was insistent to move on with a man who buried his wife b/c I could not connect with divorced men, there is just that in the background his wife and my husband ... we are doing fine ... any thots other peoples experience greatly appreciated by me!

regwin
regwin
Hi Lacey, What a happy inspiring post.!! You are right about being with someone who is also widowed rather than deal with a divorced spouse. There's just a better understanding. I too have been seeing someone for eighteen months. He is widowed fourteen years and mentions his wife often. I find myself bringing my husbands name up as well. it's just a normal thing to do. I noticed that other people I dated would bring up their wife's name.. It's the life we all knew for so long. Like you, we are not marriage minded or live in minded. We each have our own health issues and our own place to live. and our individual interests. We're there to help each other if the need arises.. It's just a very nice companionship, someone to talk things over with, to go places with. He's thoughtful, dependable and considerate.
Wishing you much love and happiness. Hugs, Dolores
shewearsblack17
shewearsblack17
Lacie, I am happy for you. I am not there yet. For the first time since my LH passed (Dec. 13, 2016), I was able to pull him up on YouTube this evening, see him, and listen to his voice. What a handsome guy he was and in his prime! I didn't cry, and I even smiled at some of the things he was saying (preaching actually). And his unique expressions.

I don't have any "prospects" yet. I don't know that I could move on the way you describe. I have a concern that a widower who lost his wife a year ago might be getting interested in me, but I don't know that for a fact. I don't mind his friendly smile and an occasional short conversation, but he's way too old (9 years my senior). He's too nice for me to hurt him, if you know what I mean. Plus his family is odd, I think - referring to his step kids and their families. Then add the fact that I am considering moving across the country. Is it possible to be just friends? Or is that unfair to someone you know you could not have a future with? Eddie (raininseatlle) posted something a while back that elucidated (clarified) this. This man attends my church, so I'm thinking that what happens in the sanctuary stays in the sanctuary, that it's a safe place.

Being a widow once before and marrying a widower has given me some experience in knowing what to expect, I suppose. You have to work out a lot of issues. Just say I am being very careful, but at the same time a good male companion doesn't sound all that bad.