Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Sometimes when I can't sleep at night I find myself trying to figure out a timeline. When the diagnosis came... the kids were how old? What else was going on at that time? I keep the timeline going trying to fit all the pieces together to make sense. In that process, I realize that much else was going on - both good and bad in our life.
While I was taking Bill back and forth to chemo, our daughter was crying over a boyfriend who dumped her, my dad had a heart attack, my son struggled with wrong crowd in junior high..........and on and on.
But I look back on that period as wonderful! Because Bill was here and he was at my side through all this He and I went out to eat a lot, cuddled on the couch, were proud of the kids & business, our daughter went off to college, our son won hockey awards, etc etc.
Truth is....................while something wonderful is happening...........something difficult is happening at the same time. Like RR tracks. Good and bad running parallel to eachother all on the same time line. This helps me now. My husband and I were very happy together ....but tough things still happened and we had anxiety over the kids, over money, over the business etc.
My current widow RR tracks look like this:
One side: grateful, happy times with kids/grandkids, hot coffee, good book, bath, soft blanket, good health, peace with God
Other side: anxiety without Bill, worries about our kids, grandkids, money, business, economy, my bipolar mom, doubts etc
That's life. All happens at the same time and you focus on one side or the other at any given time. But you've got to ride both rails at once. That's really the deal.
How do your widow RR tracks look?
While I was taking Bill back and forth to chemo, our daughter was crying over a boyfriend who dumped her, my dad had a heart attack, my son struggled with wrong crowd in junior high..........and on and on.
But I look back on that period as wonderful! Because Bill was here and he was at my side through all this He and I went out to eat a lot, cuddled on the couch, were proud of the kids & business, our daughter went off to college, our son won hockey awards, etc etc.
Truth is....................while something wonderful is happening...........something difficult is happening at the same time. Like RR tracks. Good and bad running parallel to eachother all on the same time line. This helps me now. My husband and I were very happy together ....but tough things still happened and we had anxiety over the kids, over money, over the business etc.
My current widow RR tracks look like this:
One side: grateful, happy times with kids/grandkids, hot coffee, good book, bath, soft blanket, good health, peace with God
Other side: anxiety without Bill, worries about our kids, grandkids, money, business, economy, my bipolar mom, doubts etc
That's life. All happens at the same time and you focus on one side or the other at any given time. But you've got to ride both rails at once. That's really the deal.
How do your widow RR tracks look?
Other Side: DH was much more than just a husband, but can't find the right words to describe it. Traumatic when I lost him, and traumatic to rebuild myself again. Still suffer from anxiety, fear (for whatever reason I don't know), and sometimes feeling like I'm all alone in this world, when actually I'm not. Wish that feeling would go away. Feeling of unsureness at times.
Crying more since Thanksgiving, birthday and the holidays. Can only have one-sided conversations with him. Miss his laugh, his humor, playfulness, respect, care, and most important, his love. I still have it all, but it would be nicer if he were physically here.
Other side: When those who had gone before me in grief said I would feel joy again, I said not me. Not ever. But I have. I'm blessed with faith (I would like to say a strong faith but it's not--just a strong God!) Also a loving and supportive family and wonderful new friends (the widows and widowers who understand) and have brought so much into my life.
Riding the rails with you all...
Other side: Missing him, feeling alone in a crowd, looking ahead too far and wondering how will I ever manage this life----missing his touch, his "all encompassing it's going to be all right" hugs, figuring out the investments and retirement, feeling vulnerable, missing our team-ness---did I say, simply missing him?
The tears come. The sadness is a back drop. The grief can be terribly deep, but as I walk, learn, heal I have learned to have the best of Stan, the best of us tucked safely in my heart for ever and always.
Life, good health, friends, family, faith, Bible, hope, travel, good food, music, pictures, a warm home, love, a good car, etc. I could go on and on. Maybe in another post I will.
Bad side: he's not here..........
My life since Cliff died has also been one of constant change, and lots of movement in all directions. When we lose our spouses, it's like we put a giant "X" on our timelines, and everything is measured either before or after that giant "X." But life is always flowing and changing and it always was. We just don't see it that way for a very long time because the loss is so horrible and rocks everything in our world.
I laughed when I read barbarame's response! I get that! Maybe where I am is like one of those Old West towns -- I know there's a railroad station somewhere, but I don't seem to be anywhere near one! I feel like I have had to lay down all new tracks!
Great thread, icezam! Thanks for posting it!
Love and Hugs,
Martha