have had a hard time with my feelings for his family since they showed up en mass while he was unconscious in ICU, even though I said do not come. Where were they when he was sick at home, depressed because he felt so poorly and w/low self esteem because he could no longer work and I was in the other room, leaving him alone because I do work. Where were they when he need someone other than me to hold his hand and say I love you. Why are they now at this gravesite weekly and bemoaning their loss.

The questions they were asking in the ICU were way too intrusive and even the night he passed I was asked by the social worker if I knew what they were asking and did I want that level of questions answered. I said no, you can say that he fought a good fight but in the end the disease won. I had kept them informed and he had told them what he wanted, which they didn't fully listen to and that is why his passing was such a surprise to them.

So yes, I do understand your frustration. Family is what family does.

Just a thought. Remember, ancestry determines your family. You chose your friends. keep in mind that if your lucky friends can include family. I sounds that you have chosen(and are willing to chose) wisely.

Best Regards, George.

When the doctor told us my wife was in her "final decline" I told our daughter to contact her half-brother, from my wife's first marriage (I was lucky #3). He was estranged for 20 years, mostly for classist reasons, his family was wealthy and we became homeless. Nobody knows you when you're down & out. He came, and showed his mother videos of her grandchildren, and now he and his family are very close to our daughter. I told a rabbi that I was sad it took such terrible circumstances to bring them together, and he said, "Maybe that was part of the plan." It gave me something positive to appreciate. The first husband came to the funeral, so did her boyfriend she always said was the love of her life, but she messed it up. The husband was bitter and weird, he remarried to a very controlling woman and had a disappointing life. The boyfriend was wonderful and gracious, and I probably would never have met him otherwise. Me, husband for 25 years, I took the brass ring anyway.

Two weeks after my mom was buried, her ex-husband called me. He was like my dad when I was teenager, he taught me how to shave and how to drive, and we went fishing. After the divorce, he stopped talking to me, which hurt me a lot. When we were homeless, I asked him for help, and he told me only if I went on a weekend fishing trip with him. I told him I was vegetarian and didn't fish anymore, and I wouldn't leave my wife and kid on the street to go with him, so he refused to help. When he called, he asked if there was going to be a funeral. Except in unusual circumstances, Jews bury the dead quickly, within a few days, and it was weeks later. I told him, "The funeral already happened, but you would only have been allowed to come with your fishing pole, you Dick!" and hung up on him. It was rude, but justified.

While we were homeless, my mom and uncle told all my family that we were drug addicts (a lie) and don't help us. Most of them still believe that. One cousin I was close with spoke with our daughter and found out about the lie, and she feels terrible she believed it. Everybody else still avoids me, and I have no use for them.

The people at the funeral were those who knew
Arlene for who she was, like co-workers from the Jersey Journal newspaper who traveled from Connecticut where they moved after everybody was laid off. Her son, her 1st husband, her old boyfriend, some people we knew who were like a surrogate family, and some people from my synagogue who came to console me. Arlene was an only child, her parents and most of her family were already dead when I met her. It was a nice funeral, and we had lunch at Arlene's favorite Mexican restaurant afterwards.

You can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends, and the close ones become like family.

At Christmas time, my husband was in really bad shape. His sister was here from Florida. She called to see if he was coming over to see her. He was so bad off he couldn't even talk on the phone. She said she came this far, he could go 12 miles to see her. The rest of his family lives 12 miles away also. No one ever came to see him. I told her IF anyone ever wanted to see him again, they should come here. Well, he went into the hospital on Jan 2nd, died on Feb 11th. This time the "I told you so" didn't feel so good.
Sandee

When my husband was critical I had my adult children call all his immediate family to let them know he may not make it. The family came in and marched right past me, my kids, and everyone sitting with us in the waiting area. They took a look and probably asked the doc what part I played in all of this, then they marched out the same way. It was like a royal entourage. We watched them come and we watched them go. His sister called and asked that we hold off cremating the body until they returned from Florida in a few weeks. I had the funeral the following Saturday and he was then cremated on Monday. I've never been much of a people-pleaser. His family didn't like that and I didn't care.

I don't know how people like we have all described can sleep at night? Don't they realize how precious life is? They just seem to have no inkling as to right and wrong. My husband, (very close to his dad) took care of his mom after dad died for 11 years. He or I would drop what we were doing, change our schedules or Gary would get up with only a few hours sleep (worked graveyards) to be at her beck and call. We made sure she never wanted for anything. Where were the rest of the kids. Oh they had all kinds of opinions, excuses and suggestions and inuendos, but certainly weren't here for her except for the sister in Florida that truly tried to get home as often as she could. So yes, I will be absent from their family rebellion here in town this weekend, thank you very much! I am not here to soothe their guilty conciences if they even have one and frankly, don't give a damn!

Good for you loveddogs! My husband's siblings also wanted to come when he called to tell them he was terminal, but he told them no it would be too hard on all of them. In the 27 years we lived here in AZ not one of them came to see him, so why now? Afterward the sisters said they would keep in touch with me.......not! Do I care? Absolutely not! I say good riddance! Sounds mean but life is mean sometimes as we all know. Big hugs and a pat on the back from me to you loveddogs!
Darlene