it isn’t only the presence of my husband that I miss, it is in fact that my life as I know it has altered.

Honestly, We didn’t have the most wonderful marriage, we were more like  a red sock and a blue sock. My entire adult life has been with my husband. I was 18 when I met him and he was 32. I am now 54 going to be 55 in couple of month. Since he passed a year and half ago, I’ve been struggling to find where I fit now? There isn’t a day I don’t think about him. Sometimes, it’s just missing him, sometimes it makes me mad that he left me all alone, sometimes I feel so blessed to have received so much love from him. And some times it’s just hurts for no reason at all....

I do believe that everything happens for a reason and all of it’s time isn’t necessary the time that I believe is right but it must be to My God... because there were not a darned thing I could have done to save him... otherwise, he would still be here...

whether I had a great marriage or not, it is irrelevant when it comes to pain of loosing him. Being with someone for 35 years is a long time to share all good, bad and ugly.  And we stuck together through it all.

The death of my husband’s grieving process has been the most brutal, painful and miserable experience I have ever had in my life so far. And I believe I will grieve for the rest of my life... after all, he was the rock and a confident in my life. I miss him terribly....everyday...

So, how do I fill this gaping hole in my heart? I keep waking up despite of the my prayer to God that to take me away. I failed to an attempted to end my life and go with him... I was literally became a person who just go through the motion. I lost my smile, and I lost my spirit not knowing where to go, what My propose in life was.. it’s been a year and half but I still don’t know what I want to do or what my future holds, but I do know now, that I don’t want to be miserable. I don’t want to grow old sad, miserable, cranky and hateful person. I don’t know how long I will be here but, I don’t want to miss my grand daughters growing up because I am too busy drenched in my own misery.

I must live again, go out there and turn this page. Be not afraid of futur but rather focus on what I am blessed with today. I believe whole heartily that he wanted me to live and live happily. Now he is gone, and the least I can pay forward he’s love is, to live better, stronger and happier. 

I see now that grieving is a love that no where to go. It’s that love made a gaping hole in my heart. My tank is emptied by fill of sadness, emptiness and misery. And this shouldn’t be the way human should live.

I am created an image of God, and God is love. I believe that. No matter how unfair it seems, no matter how painful it feels, everything has its time and He’s time is what matters. Otherwise, I could have saved him....

So today, I put my foot forward, no matter what comes in it’s way, I will pour love in my heart to whatever I do, whoever I encounter and give it the best I know how. Not necessarily fill my gaping hole but to protect what I have left.... show must go on, until the day I die..