I understand exactly what you are saying. I didn't go anywhere the first few weeks after Steve passed. The first time I ventured to Walmart on my own was probably six weeks or 8 weeks out -- I did not think I would make it through the store and through the checkout. I had nothing left in the house so I had no choice, I had to go--every aisle seemed a mile long--it was surreal--it took everything I had not to break down sobbing and the tears did roll continually--but I was able to keep them silent--UNTIL I left the store. By the time I reached my car I was crying hysterically and I cried all the way home-it was horrid. After that every trip to Walmart or Sam's or anywhere we shopped together was an emotional roller coaster--it took a while for that to subside. I still have my moments--there will be times when I pass something in the store that he would have picked up and thrown in the cart--or I smell something that reminds me of him and I will tear up--but there are also moments now when I see something he would have loved and I smile--the memories are sweeter now and not so bittersweet. It will get easier as you go along--just let yourself feel what you need to feel--let yourself cry--tears are healing.
I'm wishing for you lots of warm and happy memories on this first Christmas without him--it will be emotional and it will be difficult--but I'm praying that the good memories will outweigh the sadness.
Big warm hugs
Wanda

I'm right there with you. Except in my case it's all shopping b/c we always did all of it together. This year Xmas shopping for my family was really hard. Like you I find myself walking down an aisle crying. All you see are couples of all ages together whether they are young or old and you think well why didn't we get the chance to get to that age? How unfair. This world is made of couples and you look around and your all alone.
Everything about the holidays is awful, we baked cookies, made dinner for everyone, decorated together, sat and drank hot chocolate or tea/coffee, listened to Xmas music. Who knew that last year would be the last Christmas we would spend together? It's only been 5 weeks but I feel like it gets worse instead of better. I feel like I cry constantly now over everything, large or small. Is it just because the holidays are approaching or does it get worse instead of better?
I felt like a month ago I was doing better than I am now. Back then I would cry some each day but lately I feel like that's all I do is cry.

I went through just about exactly what you did. We loved to go to Wal-Mart, and shopped together at our local supermarket. I could not even walk into those stores. I felt like the walls and floor were sucking me up. I believed I would never be able to again.

Cooking? I love to cook and bake too. It isn't worth it during the week for one person, but once I regained my desire for both, I now scout my recipe books for a dish I have never had. Make it on the weekend. Freeze the leftovers in individual containers. Pop one in the microwave and instant dinner.

Bless your heart. Oh gosh, how I remember that first Christmas. My husband died in March, so I had all the holidays to face without him. It was awful. Plus his birthday is Sept. 11th, and that year was the year that the planes hit the twin towers -- and I didn't have him with me to hold onto when I saw that horror happen LIVE!!

The first year for me was just a fog. I still don't remember a THING about that first year. Nothing. I functioned, but how I don't know. My mind was in "protect" mode. I fell apart regularly, but I was still in a fog.

I know what you're going thru and I wish there was something I could do to help you. All I can say is don't deny your feelings. You must let your feelings flow naturally. Cry when you need to. If you feel like screaming, go into your bedroom, close the door, and pound on pillows and SCREAM. It's a great release of the anger you feel !!! I did that alot, and screamed at everyone I could think of that ever hurt me. LOL I was mad at God, and that's OK. He understands. But remember that God didn't do this. He didn't "punish" your husband and He's not "punishing" you now. If you want to talk more about God, message me.

Remember that are 5 stages to grief: Shock, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, and Acceptance. From the sounds of it, I think you're in the Depression stage. I'm not sure, but it just sounds like it. I skipped the Bargaining phase, and you may skip a phase too. Everyone is different. If you have trouble with Grief, PLEASE see a Grief Counselor. You won't regret it. I saw one and it was the best thing I could have done. You can contact one thru Hospice. It doesn't matter if you didn't use their services. They'll be happy to talk to you --- there might be a fee involved, but I don't know how much. I don't think it's expensive.

Please take good care of yourself! YOU are important too! Sometimes when we're grieving we forget to eat properly or take care of our health. So please take GOOD care. And let us know how you're doing, okay? We care about you! God bless. Big hugs, Lee

Hi, I lost my husband in Oct too. I don't think I have cooked since he died. I have been living off of fast food, and junk. Which is the worst thing for me considering my health status. But, I don't know how to break this cycle. It is fustrating when everyone is walking around normal, and you just want to scream. Do you have plans for the "first" Christmas? I don't know if planning ahead helps, but I am giving it a try. I am going out of town for a few days. I just don't want to be doing the same things as when he was here, but without him.

So true. It's the same for us all. Doing anything alone brought me to tears for a while. I went the 'eat out' phase, because my friends owned an Italian food, pizza, sandwich shop and I felt less alone with them. It was horrible for my waistline, but at the time I didn't care. I was so angry that while my life felt over no one else seemed to know. I was even angry when the trees turned colors that first Fall. I screamed at the trees through my kitchen window. At least, now, I only get a little sensitive instead of a full pity party. Progress. Thats all we can do. Sharon

I remember it like it was yesterday. Me walking into the store and the Christmas music playing and me looking at all of the things he liked and reaching for them and then remembering over and over and then the pork chops...I reached for a package of 4, then remembered I only needed two. What no packages of two...Actually I realized that every single package of meat was made for two or more people and I never would be two again so I cried right there and cried so hard all the way home. I refused to go to that store again for months and months and instead went to a town 15 minutes farther away just to not have to look at where we always went together. Yeah...stores are the worst and I don't know why...except we always shopped together.

That was now years ago and Thank God I now can look back and see how far I have come. It does get bearable...I promise...
hugs...
-Diana

Your are so right about this. Why is that? It's one of the worst things I have to do. Shopping for one.
I could not stand to even look at the mens dept. I thought I was going to have a panic attack right there in the store. I have to avoid it still.
I do shop now but it's just not the same anymore without my partner, my confidant, my love with me.

I also agree that shopping is extremely hard. My husband died on Oct. 27th and we had been looking for a new refrigerator all summer. The store people kept telling us to wait until Black Friday because there will be good deals. We kinda had one picked out that was at Home Depot. I went there on Black Friday and had to leave the store. First everywhere I looked was couples and when I gort to the appliance dept. I just lost it. I remember being there with Ken and opening all the refrigerator doors and deciding which one we liked best. I couldn't take it and had to leave. I haven't been back since and I still don't have a new refrigerator.
I know it's only been two months but I too feel as though I am worse now than I was soon after it happened. That must be the shock part.
I also like to cook and Ken was always my sous chef and dishwasher. He did all the chopping and cleanup. It's hard to be in my kitchen without him there beside me. I am just so lost without him.
Rae

Before reading this post I thought I was weird. I would not shop in certain stores anymore because it was too painful. I still have not shopped in my hometown food store since my husband went into the hospital in January of this year. Just writing this makes me sad because we did so much together. Marilyn

I feel for all of you. It has been three months since my husband passing I walk around the grocery store with my cart that's empty. I loved to cook for my husband and 17 yr old. He always loved the food I made, always had a compliment. I'm lost in a store I have no idea what to get, what to make and I just don't care. It's awful, my poor son is always looking for food. I feel so bad for him, so I will usually send him to the store to get whatever food he likes. I feel like I'm living on wishes. Like how I wish he was here, wish I didn't feel this way, (sigh)
I have to put my faith in God

My husband always sacked the groceries and loaded and unloaded them in and out of the vehicle, always joked with the cashier and got the feed for the chickens, etc. Now I have to sack and pay and load and unload until I can't bear it without him there joking about it all. I hate shopping, I hate seeing someone I know because they always have to ask how I am doing and I am panicking down the aisles looking at food I could care less about eating but have to buy because my son is living with me and loves to eat and expects his mom whom he thinks is a great cook to continue to do so. When he is gone, I don't eat much of anything. Nothing tastes good anymore, I miss the conversations. I hate being alone!!!!