Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
My ex-husband just died. He was 75. We have been divorced for 29 years. We had two kids. I drove to another state to help them plan the funeral because he never re-married and they asked me to come. I am happily remarried and my husband has been very understanding about this.
My ex died a horrible death. He lived alone and had a stroke (they think) sitting in front of his computer. He laid there for about 5 days before anyone found him. There was not enough left of him to identify him.
We were married for 25 years, didn't speak to each other for the first 15 after our divorce. Then our daughter had a bad auto accident , was in ICU for a month, we took turns sitting with her. After that we at least spoke to each other. He had a light stroke 10 years ago and I had a feeling he would have another. For the last 6 months something told me to send him an email and tell him all was forgiven and ask for his forgiveness too.........but I didn't listen. It hurts me that he had to die alone and his kids couldn't even see him to say their goodbyes. They are the only family he had left.
He was very cruel to me during the divorce, said horrible things about me in front of the kids (they were 10 and 13 at the time) With that said, why am I feeling so guilty?? He was close to the kids who are grown now, so they took it very hard. It's been almost two weeks and I have no appetite and just feel listless. I keep remembering the good times. Why can't I just remember the bad times? My daughter has his ashes in her living room, I dread going to visit her but I can't say anything for fear I will upset her. What do I do???
My ex died a horrible death. He lived alone and had a stroke (they think) sitting in front of his computer. He laid there for about 5 days before anyone found him. There was not enough left of him to identify him.
We were married for 25 years, didn't speak to each other for the first 15 after our divorce. Then our daughter had a bad auto accident , was in ICU for a month, we took turns sitting with her. After that we at least spoke to each other. He had a light stroke 10 years ago and I had a feeling he would have another. For the last 6 months something told me to send him an email and tell him all was forgiven and ask for his forgiveness too.........but I didn't listen. It hurts me that he had to die alone and his kids couldn't even see him to say their goodbyes. They are the only family he had left.
He was very cruel to me during the divorce, said horrible things about me in front of the kids (they were 10 and 13 at the time) With that said, why am I feeling so guilty?? He was close to the kids who are grown now, so they took it very hard. It's been almost two weeks and I have no appetite and just feel listless. I keep remembering the good times. Why can't I just remember the bad times? My daughter has his ashes in her living room, I dread going to visit her but I can't say anything for fear I will upset her. What do I do???
Linda
Your children are mourning their father and they are hurting. The easiest thing for you to do without risking saying anything that you might worry about is to encourage them to talk about their feelings and memories. If there were good times you had together as a family when they were little, you might reminisce about those, too. I agree with the others - it's really mostly about your children now.
I have been divorced for 15 years. I know that I will be very sad when my ex dies. He too is the father of my children and the husband of my youth, even though I've been so much better off in my own life without him.
Hugs, Gail
As for him dying alone, I always looked at it this way. When our time comes, no one can save us. It is our time, period. My mother was alone in a hospital bed when she died, but she wasn't "alone". In transition in the hours before, she was conversing with loved ones in the afterlife, and my sister and I both have proof that my father returned to be with her through taking her last breath and going with him.
I had asked Mom when I was last with her if she was OK, in pain, or afraid. She was fine, no pain and not afraid. Our minister visited and told me my mother was more than ready to go.
Dying alone is all how you perceive it. It isn't pathetic or horrible. As you transition toward the light, you don't care what you are leaving behind.
Blessings, Debbie
I remarried, and he was so ANGRY ~ he called me everything in the book. He stalked me, called at all hours of the night. We finally had to move out of town. My kids were still close to him as he was kind to them.
He died at home, a bitter and broken man, but before he died, we talked briefly on the phone and he "forgave" me for leaving him. I also told him I was sorry for hurting him.
My daughter spread his ashes in a predetermined area. But my daughter often talks about her Dad, and I never know what to say. I really don't have much positive to say about him, and yet I don't want to hurt her. It's difficult ~ I don't want to lie because she knows how I feel about him. But I want her to be able to talk about him too. I can't just sit there and say "uh huh all the time. LOL . Sheeesh.