Amy it hasn't even been 1 year yet for me and I understand your trivial stuff. I've seen couples especially start a stupid fight and i just think, wow, I wish he was here to have that heated discussion. The way I look at the trivial stuff is like this: Remember when you where a teenager and a pimple meant you were ugly, fat etc and you didn't want to go out of the house , well now you've grown and that pimple is nothing. We widows and widowers have gone through so much that nothing is as important to us as our loss. We've grown up and realized life is short and death is real. Hugs Arlene

Amy I know that feeling. It's not that you want more bad to happen. You just want to shake people and have them realize / acknowledge the huge impact and change that this has brought in your life and who you are as a person now.
I was coldly told " you're not the only one to suffer loss"! No I am not. But I am the only one to suffer my loss and how I experience it. And you can't make it vanish because it's inconvenient for you.
The one thing I am ashamed of is not realizing what my brother went through when his wife of 24 years old had a brain aneurysm. Headache to brain dead in one morning.
Allow yourself to feel this way because I think as one other comment said: we're so over BS.
Take courage.
Yolanda

The day Mark died we'd watched another couple bicker over something. And he looked at me with a funny expression. I asked him why he was looking at me like that. And he said thank goodness we found each other. No silly games. No BS. AND I can honestly say even less BS now. Love to you all.

Amy, I've read, and re-read your post. You've put a lot out here, and I appreciate that you've done so. And I could identify with a lot of it. I put on that strong face - not always, G-d knows I broke down in front of friends, but...apparently the persona I showed the world was that of a "strong" person. Ha. I didn't have much choice, given that I had a business to run where I was in front of the public 9 hours a day, but still, I thought, and yeah, even after 8 years, still think - do you not have a freaking clue how hard this has been? And like you, I don't want pity, but damn it, it would be nice to have it addressed or acknowledged that I was in pain. I don't know if I'm answering you, but I do hear you. Take care - Marsha (and no, you're not the only one)

Hi Amy, I'm very sorry for your loss, quiet tragic. You've rebuilt your life in amazing ways and should be so proud of yourself.
Trivial problems of others get to me at times too. The things people fight over astounds me but I keep in mind that most just don't understand true grief, sorrow, fear and loneliness. You have to live it to get it.
I think that you feel jealous of others grief because your pain is so great that you don't want it forgotten by anyone.....ever! Your life changed. You lost your love. Your heart broke. Just because they are done saying they're sorry to us over time doesn't mean we are done grieving. You're never really done grieving and you don't want people to forget your pain. But, they do have lives too and also suffer pain so we must realize that sometimes we have to give up our spot at the top of the grief totem pole and let others claim the spot for their term.
We can't live at the top of that grief totem pole forever nor should we. Truly....although it may seem like it, people won't forget your loss....they just have other issues to contend with.
Now...Let's put the shoe on the other foot....and this goes out to all of us. Obviously, we are not the first to have such a huge loss. I'm sure you all know others who have lost partners, children and parents. Now... How many times do we go out of our way to acknowledge their loss every time we see or speak to them? How many times do we ask them if there's anything we can do even though it might be years after their loss! How many times do we bring up memories of their lost family members in order to honor their memory! My guess is that the majority of us would have to answer "not many" to these questions. We want our loss acknowledged and remembered but fail to do so for others. I know I'm guilty of this.
So therefore....let's not judge others for what we think is ignoring or minimizing our loss. Everyone has a story. Everyone has pain.
How about if we work on accepting our loss with strength and grace, acknowledge others grief and make room for them to walk this path beside us, not in front of or behind, but beside us for support.
What you feel Amy is quite normal and if we are being honest.....we all have felt that way at one time or another. It's okay Amy.....like I said, you should be very proud of yourself. I don't even know you and I am!
Keep up the good work, stay strong and don't be afraid to let your emotions be known. Best to let them out....acknowledge, accept and release. It's the only way to inner peace.
Thanks for the thought provoking post. Really made me think!
Peace and love to you....
Darcie

Hi Amy -

I am truly sorry for your loss. It shall be 9 months tomorrow
since I lost my wife and my true love for the past 30+ years.

I have been attending a grief group ( just had the last
session ) and there was a woman there that had lost her
husband four years ago and she is now 31 years old. She
did the same thing more or less. There was a family owned
business and she threw herself into her work and sort of
bulldozed herself through grief. She joined the group as it
is just now hitting her in various ways and she has gradually
recognized it is from the loss of her husband.

I am only at 9 months but I find that I am becoming somewhat
frustrated with people and that has never happened to me in
the past. I have always tried to be a live and let live type o f
guy. But, in particular, I know couples and I hear either the
wife or the husband complain about their spouse and it is
almost always nonsense.

A man I know well that has been married to his wife for about
15 years told me yesterday that he had a strong argument
with his wife and they had not spoken for two days as her collectable knick knacks are taking up shelf space in their
den where he likes to display his collection of signed
baseballs. He told me he was not going to put up with it. I
must confess I was a bit nauseous just listening to him. He
is a good guy ( they are both good people ) but they don't
have a clue. I thought about telling him about the day that
may arrive when his wife is no longer on this planet to
irritate him with her collectable knick knacks. However, my
brain was just too fried to try to talk about it.

I think the whole world would be a better place if couples
truly understood the nightmare we are going through in
losing our spouses. But even with those in my family and
co-workers, neighbors and friends, they see me and I have
tried to tell them but they just don't get it.

I do know I shall look a grief differently in the future. Despite
losing loved ones, I never understood it until I lost her. Now
I fully understand. I shall make every effort to provide
comfort to others in the future. That is a commitment on my
part and I now know the pain.

Blessings to you -

Darrell

Hey Amy,
I'm no therapist but what I have learned from my own experience going thru this (Linda went home to the Lord in August 2015) and from others, is that you have to allow yourself to heal and go thru what your emotions need to go thru in order to do this.
I look at this hurt as the same as a wound you would get in an accident. If all you do is put on a band aide and nothing else and just change the band aide all surface attention, it will only scab over leaving the damage underneath to fester and become infected.
Any wound has to heal from the inside out. That way there is complete healing form beneath and by the time the scab falls off there is new skin that has grown over time. And it's healthy and ready to continue.
We have to allow ourselves to heal from within and if not it will come back on us with a vengeance later on. Just my take on it.
You may need to revisit your feelings about what happened with a trained therapist or group to complete the healing inside.

Please take care of yourself.
Peace, Tim