Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Hisuntouchablelove 01/16/2017

Since my husbands death I've been very hard on myself and feeling terrible that in 7years of marriage I never saw any clues that my husband had heart issues. He had flu like symptoms 4weeks before went to the doctor and they said it's viral but also gave him amoxicillin because they suspected he may have had a infected tooth as well. His death just doesn't make since to me he was somewhat active but never had any complications when out jogging or riding his bike even in hot weather. So This weekend my mother In law came and stayed a night with us and tells me that a few weeks prior my husband told his brother in law he hasn't been feeling normal for a few years. We had our rough patches in marriage but we still loved each other it really makes me very very sad and upset that he never told me that. He worked endless hours and complained of being really tired and was looking forward to a family vacation but never did he say he didn't feel right. I'm feeling so lost like I failed as a wife for not knowing or seeing this inadvance. If anyone has helpful or comforting advice I sure would like to hear from you.

MrsP 01/17/2017

I was married to my husband 41 years when he died very unexpectedly last November - he had pancreatic cancer. There were no signs, no symptoms, until it was too late to do anything. August he was perfectly well and healthy, November he had died.

I guess this isn't helping you but please do not attach any blame of your husband's death to yourself. My guess is that mother-in-law is feeling much the same emotions you are, maybe she has said something which has upset you or got you doubting yourself.

Even if we are given a terminal sentence, as my husband eventually was, we still can't see when these things will happen. My husband always said "we would get through this" and I had to go along with him in support. He would not have had it any way. I am guessing your husband would not have wanted it any other way either. You supported your husband in the best way you knew, he had been to the doctors as you said, take heart that you were there with him. and never feel you failed. Sending hugs xxxx

Shrn 01/17/2017

Heart issues present in many different ways. There is a good chance that you and he didn't suspect that there was a problem. Many of us, including me, struggled with the "if only " it's normal. The truth is that you couldn't control the outcome. My husband passed from lung cancer 10 weeks after diagnosis. It was the most devastating time in my life. I came to accept that I did everything in my power to be the best wife I could be. You will find your way. Sharon

luckydaughter 01/17/2017

I agree with Sharon 100%. Heart issues present in many different ways and sometime people do not recognize that they are having a heart attack. There is even something called a "silent" heart attack, where the person does not know until months or years later that they had one! Please do not blame yourself. Sometimes there is nothing that anyone could have done.

Sylvia

SassySue 01/17/2017

I too had a similar situation and I spent the first two weeks second guessing myself, should I have seen the signs, on the day he passed did we make the right decisions and basically what iffing my self. So I went to our family doctor and had him walk me through everything the warning signs we might have missed the decisions we made.... His answers put me At peace. we did do everything and the signs were not as obvious as you may think.... from that visit I found internal peace and have forgiven myself . I guess that is the key... second guessing yourself does nothing but cause us grief, so forgive yourself and know that your partner would want you to be happy for the time you had and not regret any of your time spent together. Causes of death are usually not one medical issue but is the culmination of our health life choices and in many cases are out of our control.

Good luck!

Hisuntouchablelove 01/17/2017

Thank you for the responses they are very helpful. It's nice to know I'm not the only who has felt this way after losing a spouse. I too am planning to go talk with our family doctor about his cause of death to get knowledge and peace of mind.

jdp 01/17/2017

It is uplifting to read the various circumstances & how we each have met our challenges
!
A cardiac workup was done on my husband. When those results were normal, other tests were ordered & a diagnosis of stage 4 pancreatic cancer was made.

It's only normal to question, questions answered, some questions unanswered. But, this is how it is. We work with what we have, with what we know @ any given moment. You did the best you could @ that time in your life.
jdp

nanacarol 01/20/2017

I can honestly say, I did my very best taking car of my "Pop" I was his primary care giver . I did my best to do everything right. I still have people tell me what a good job I did. With all that being said; I still ask. "why did I not do this or why did I not do that" "I sure wish this, I sure wish that"
You had a wonderful husband that loved you and wanted to protect you. He needed to be your protector and your provider and God bless you, he was able to do that.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Please check this out. http://bit.ly/2jhzmBb
Each person in your husband's life was put there for a reason, his mother to raise a good husband that wants to protect his wife, a brother who was his friend and confidant and a wife that was there for him to live his life the way he wanted to and to it's fullest.

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