Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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NewRoadsForMe 06/30/2011

Joe had 3 main doctors during his treatment for lung cancer, diagnosed at stage 4.

The surgeon who removed the tumor, stayed in constant touch with us and the nurses, night & day during all the complications over many weeks. He even gave me his personal cell phone # and said to call him even in the surgical suite if such and such happened, or call him at home at night. He called the nurses station every night promptly at 10 PM to get a final update on the status of ALL his patients before he went to bed. As this surgeon was not in our hometown, his assistant would call us at our home to check on Joe. I got a call from them when Joe died.

The oncology radiologist was always smiling and joking and always asking us things like, "How did you guys meet?" or he would tell a fishing story or whatever, in addition to covering the medical stuff. When Joe died, I received a beautiful, colorful card showing a sunset over the ocean. Inside was this note: Dearest Mrs. xxxx,
I am deeply saddened to learn of Joe's death. I so very much enjoyed his wonderful attitude - full of life! I will miss him. Please accept my deepest condolences during this difficult time.
Sincerely,
Pxxxxx Sxxxxx (no M.D. designation)

The oncologist (chemo dr.) saw us probably more than the other doctors because we went for the chemo treatments so often. He would speak a few words, only about the cancer and treatment and when our next appt. would be. When Joe died, I did not hear from him. Two months later, his office called to remind Joe of his appointment tomorrow at 9 AM.

I am appalled that any doctor who treats a dying patient would ignore the death, which he knows is coming. Even if HE doesn't have time to write notes, his staff could surely do it for him. Even the insurance company sends me a birthday card on my birthday.

To add to my grief, I have in my memory bank this doctor who treated my husband with deadly drugs and doesn't feel it is important to acknowledge his death. I just cannot believe it. Even the vet sends me a card when I have had to have my pet put to sleep. I have to admit, I have lingering anger toward this doctor. I would never recommend him to anyone. After cancer killed Joe, this doctor stabbed me in the heart as his final good-bye. There is no excuse.....NONE.

deleted_user 06/30/2011

I am so sorry. There is not excuse. I am a nurse, and I have seen some doctors that distance themselves from the patients and family to keep them sane. It is NO excuse, just as you said. It is hard to deal with losing patients. It is even harder when you lose a lot of patients, such as a cancer doctor. You are right, his office should have sent you a letter or card. He should have acknowledged the loss. He is a crappy doctor.

Nice to hear all the other positives. I am sorry. I would hug you if I could.

NewRoadsForMe 06/30/2011

Thank you, River211. I know that doctors can't sit around and cry over every patient, but that's one thing a staff can take care of without the patient's family knowing it wasn't the doctor himself. I know it's hard to lose all your patients, in terminal illnesses. My sister was a Hospice MSW who assisted and supported patients and their families as they walked that path toward the inevitable. She made friends not only of the patients, but of the families, too. One day she lost 5 patients all that same day. She said she went into the stairwell at the hospital and cried her eyes out. Of course, she followed up with assistance to the family following the death. She had no "staff". She did it herself because that was her chosen occupatient, part of the deal.

Thanks for your comment. It means a lot to me. You sound like a very caring nurse. We need all those we can get!!! Bless you!!

gone2soon 06/30/2011

I understand what you are feeling because I feel the same. I never heard a word from my husbands internist that had him as a patient for years. He signed the death certificate and that was it. The urologist called the day he died and stated he was shocked. He had just seen him in the ER two days before and was planning a surgical procedure that Monday. I think he called because he wanted to know if he had missed something. At that time we did not know why my husband died. As it turned out it was a pulmonary embolism. I do somewhat blame him because I think he should have been aware that this was a possibility with a urology patient who had previously had a blood clot. However my anger is that he never called back, never sent a card but sent a bill which I threw away. I did hear from his kidney doctor who had seen him. I even got a letter of condolence. I think the least thing a doctor can do is send a card or letter. I am a medical secretary and I have done that for my doctors in the past. Doctors called me that had treated him while he was in the hospital for a blood infection which occurred from the first procedure the urologist did and doctors that I knew at the hospital called me. Nothing from the primary care doctor and nothing further from the urologist. It has recently been a source of anger for me that I am trying to work through. I hope you can too.

doyew 06/30/2011

I thought my husband's oncologist was "cold," but understood that this is a shield she uses because so many of her patients die. If she got emotionally involved with everyone, it would be hard to "stay sane" as river211 said. She was very blunt from the beginning about his prognosis (age 72 with AML Leukemia) and always very business-like. I was with him the day she said the leukemia was everywhere and there was nothing else to do. She did say, "I'm sorry" and patted him on the shoulder -- and we walked out. Some drs. would have patted me also - but she was all business. I did call the nurses in the unit where he received his outpatient chemo & blood transfusions. They were very kind to me all the time, and very caring on the phone. He lived 1 week after she said "I'm sorry" -- He's been gone almost 3 yrs. I miss him!

Nicker07 06/30/2011

I can not imagine what drs who treat patients so ill do to handle it.
I have to think it must be tough. However....

I agree his impersonal attitude is not what is needed for anyone including him. I think he would be a happier person if his caring for the souls as well as body was there, I sincerely believe it would help him too.

I was 29-30 yrs old when a friend died of cancer. I remember I stayed w/her for ~2-3 months while she died, my 8 and 10 yr old honestly did not see me much during that time. Susan was always grateful I was the one who would talk honestly about her dying. BUT I remember I had to go for walks out in her pasture, and just sob. She would ask me "OK did you go cry - I was honest" She said she hated when people were not honest about their feelings. Her husband was not. Once she died her husband took the two smaller girls and left. I never heard from him again.

deleted_user 06/30/2011

My husbands internist called and sent a nice card signed by all his staff with a lot of personal messages, his surgeon called and my husband passed 7 months after his triple A surgery, his reumatologists who I believe causedhis death by all the steroids she put him on did not call .

jgrace 06/30/2011

I lost my husband to lung cancer too. I felt a similar coldness from the medical staff as opposed to my stress and tears when my husband was dying. I was thinking perhaps, in this profession, they were trained for such unwelcome situation or they must have witnessed so many tragedies that they turn cold hearted suddenly.

deleted_user 07/01/2011

I have no use for doctors. Not only for this cancer business, but other things that have happened. I have to be damn near dead myself to go see one of these characters.

Darlene-Newman 07/01/2011

Hi! I am a new member and a new widow. Your message caught my attention as my husband died of bladder cancer that was left untreated for 2 years due to the miss-diagnosis of the GP he went to & trusted. His oncologist was never around even when he was dying in the hospital. Fortunately there were other kind and caring medical professionals who tried their best to help. I am so sorry for your loss and share your hurt and loneliness. I'm sorry that you are going through this. Please know you are now in my thoughts & I hope for the very best for you. Bye for now and let's both try to hang in there!! Darlene

deleted_user 07/01/2011

I am so sorry for those who are treated this way. There is no excuse for the oncologist not to acknowledge a death. We see them so often and our lives revolve around the treatment. I had the opposite experience, thank goodness. The oncologist sent me a long letter that I could tell he personally wrote. The radiologist sent me a beautiful card signed by him and all the technicians who treated my husband. The day after my husband passed, our primary care doctor called me - he had seen it in the paper. This all meant a lot to me. I know oncologists are very busy people, but they should have procedures for a staff member to notify them of a death and send a personal acknowledgement that means so much to the family. Take care, Sandra

lovingrob 07/01/2011

There's a difference between a doctor getting emotinally involved and a doctor having compassion. Rob did not have cancer .. he was taken from work by life squad with chest pains and had passed before I made it to the hospital. The ER doctor was so cold and uncaring I could have beaten him senseless if it were not for my brother being there. My sons pediatrician sent a card which was personally signed by him and his staff .. that's compassion.

michaelbmanning 07/01/2011

Mike's doctor did not acknowledge his death, nor did our church. I was told some time after the funeral that there is a group that brings meals in to the family and will take care of the funeral luncheon. No one said a word to me. I was 7 mos. pregnant and had to cook for all these people that came to my house after the burial. I have not got a call from Mike's doctor; but if I do, I can assure you he may need a proctologist.

Maggie

Paigencarl3 07/01/2011

My husband passed away 4 months ago today. He had surgery for a triple A and the doctor said the surgery went good. But when he got to the unit his heart went into a arrhythmia and they couldn't save him.The doctor that did the surgery did call me the next morning. But I haven't heard from him since except a bill from his office for the money the insurance didn't pay.

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