hi, I think you are still very early in your journey and unfortunately what you are feeling is not so rare.

If you allow yourself to die through neglect that will leave your son alone. That is going to have a major impact on him. More so when he finds out in the future that you basically checked out over life (which he will) then he will 1. blame himself, 2. believe you didn't love him.

Sorry if that is guilt tripping but after but that comes from listening to hundreds of people who lost their parents through suicide either direct or indirect.

You are very young - you will heal - never completely but enough to get by and probably be happy again. I've gone through many things in my life which I thought I'd never recover and be happy again, that I'd be alone forever etc etc. Life has a habit of surprising us.

Finally, if you are actually depressed then depression lies to you. Not only does it change your view of the future it changes your view of your past and present. Depression generally passes one way or another.

So in answer to your question, yes, you can recover. It will never go away completely, but you can live and be happy again and watch your son grow up.

Yes this is another night rant. Butt I feel like dieing. I can feel myself dieing. Death feels like a warm blanket. so why shouldn't I just let it happen. I feel this tremendous pain in my chest and it makes me smile. My chest hurts worse and worse every day

Sorry my mind runs at night and I cant stop it

Fish you are right mostly right but my son is 1 year old. My wifes family decided to take our son away from us when she was still alive. Instead of helping me or Holly, They took our son from us. I think that is what killed her. she had a broken heart as did I, even more so now. Legally I have no rights to my son. Another man is legally his father. That makes me want to do very bad things to that man, but I wouldn't because it would hurt my. son Knowing that my son loves him more than me bring me great despair.

If I was to die they would simply never tell him about me

ranting is fine, you need to work this through for yourself.

ok, but here's the thing.

Even if he's taken away (and under different circumstyances I faced the same thing at your age) and even if you were denied all access - he will probably come to find you when he is 16-17. And then with luck you will still have decades together.

I don't know if I would want my son to know how much of a fruit loop I am. I am not good enough for him, hes better off without me

" I don't know if I would want my son to know how much of a fruit loop I am. I am not good enough for him, hes better off without me"

well following that logic, if you die through self neglect he's going to think you are even more of a "fruit loop" isn't he?

You have a reason to be like this after the things you have gone through. I'm more or less permanetly a "fruit loop" and even so I know my daughter would prefer me to be around. Your son will feel the same.

He will forever wonder and feel guilty. Kids do. Take that from again the many people I know who lost their parents in a similar way. They are always messed up.

Drew, I know how you feel in just wanting to die. I have said to myself and cried so many time that I just want to go to sleep and not wake up, I do believe this is a natural way to think due to that we just lost our purpose in life, the reason for all we have done, achieved together through the love we have for our spouses. I am sure we have all sacrificed so many things to be together, we have overcome so many obstacles with the love holding us together. For our spouses to be gone from us physically is the biggest loss we will ever face in our lifetime. We are on a journey that no one ever wants to be on, not one of us here want to be part of this group, none of us even knew it was here until that one day we reached out for help because of this pain we are going through. But we are all here to help one another because we all feel loss for our spouses. Grief is different for us all, but to have that helping hand from this group continues to give me some hope in a world that is empty for me now.

The most valuable thing I have learnt on this journey is that I have to go at my own pace in doing things. I do not let anyone in terms of family, friends influence what I need to do and when I need to do it. I appreciate their concern, but if I feel I am not ready to do something then I do not do it. Last week I felt able to go out for Breakfast/Lunch with a couple of friends of ours and able to have dinner with my brother in law and his wife. I was ready then, I can not do it now, I don't feel able to do much this past couple of days. I have been invited out a few times since then, but do not feel like doing so. We need to do what we feel we can. I have a great brother in law who told me right from the start to just do baby steps. I am at that stage. I can't run before I can walk. It will take me a long time even before I can walk, so I am just doing baby steps each day.

Drew in the days of old it was said" they died of a broken heart" Well now we know it was a chosen path, not to eat, not to get up , not to participate, to wait until the starved body and mind give out.... yes that is suicide. Not the knife kind, but still a process to an end. I have been watching your posts since you joined, you are running the gamut of grief. I know you say you enjoy taking care of your dad, but if the truth is there, you would rather he be able to care for you right now. You have gone through the part of blaming your wife's participation in her death... Anger at her choice not to do things to change. As a diabetic I will tell you, that it is hard to want to stay on the right path while those around you enjoy the toxic things that would kill you.You don't say whether you also followed the diet she needed. I went through that (blaming) for about 2 min. My husband did things that caused him to suffer more with pain during his cancer progression. Not to be damaging to himself but to live like he did before. It's so hard when our bodies dictate what we can and cannot do. Yours still works, so get up and move it. I have very bad walking ability but will do core muscle exercises to build up my balance abilities. I have to, he will never catch me again when I fall... The hardest is to participate in a life with others, not him. But here I am. fighting everyday to to stay, when dying would be so much easier. Some where inside of you is something that she found fascinating, and worth her love. Look for that, it belongs to you. She loved you for it.
Sorry, not meant in any way to hurt but to inspire, I am learning everyday to face the fears that my husband took care of for me. Figuring out the why of his love that still astounds me. Have a better day today. Hugs.

Where your at now is so early in the journey of grieving...Drew, you are facing and have faced and will face a lot in your life. Your faced with sadness, crying, anger, lonely, missing, bad thoughts, the why's, what if's etc. All this takes us mentallly and physically. This will be all to the winding road to recovery. As everyone always say...very small baby steps...We would like to be healed now, but that's impossible. I like to follow different quotes in the bible and one is, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Sometimes just a few words can bring you comfort.
You might feel your all alone is this troubled world, but know you are never alone. I'm a little further ahead on this winding road we're on and have a ways to go myself, but know it does get better.

I wanted to add to my previous reply that a month ago I knew I had to push myself to achieve daily goals. At the start of writing them down and putting the list where I could see it every day there were a couple of days I did not follow the list, I did not want to do anything. But since then I push myself each day to do those things. They may only take from thirty minutes to an hour to do, but I have been doing them daily, the are my goals I have to do. I made a list of daily cleaning and other things that I need to do like go for groceries. They are centered around what I need to do, simple goals maybe, but hard to achieve when you don't want to do anything. Today I have done one goal, but I have another one I need to do which involves going out. I don't really feel like doing it but know I have to do it, I got to push myself. Not because anyone else wants me to do it, but because I know I need to do it to get out of the house.

During the past few days I have also started cycling, again, pushing myself even though I feel all alone and each turn of the peddle seems meaningless to me and brings back memories of the times I shared cycling with my wife. Not bad memories, but it hurts because I know they are memories now, but they are the good times we shared with each other. I know my wife wants me to carry on in this life, like I am sure your wife wants you to carry on. She knows it will take a long time to move forward.

I feel this all the time. It is really hard to sleep when my mind is running on turbo with a million problems in my head. It is a little more controllable in the day but this is how I always feel and I am just tired of feeling this way.

We could all understand what your are going through and our hearts go out to you. I am looking in from another angle. As hard as it is that your son is with someone else, at this point, if he is well taking care of in a stable loving home situation, wouldn't you want that for him. Just be there for him and keep on loving him. He will understand someday that you have always been there for him and you are not at fault.

Drew, If you feel you cannot go through this alone. Go to Pathways, they will help you. give you counseling, or meds. maybe both. Sometimes all of us need help every now and then. Don't feel bad about it. Thats their job. Thats what they do....