Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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NewRoadsForMe 05/30/2012

Long story..but I'll try to make it concise. My children (2) from my first marriage of 20 yrs. have 4 half-siblings from 2 other women. They had never met until a couple weeks ago. They all are in their 40's and 50's. They congregated here in my hometown. I knew who they all were, had seen them when they were young. I helped pay child support for all of them. I knew their mothers.

They planned several get-togethers during the few weeks they were in and out of town but i was not included. They took great pride in discussing their (dead) father and celebrating their common surname. They posted pics of their moms with their dad (my husband) on Facebook. I took it in stride, sucked it up, and tried to remain calm. It was all OK until Memorial Day. They had a barbeque party at an aunt's house. They were all invited but me. Oh, let me add that I gave the 4 of them many pictures of their dad that they had never seen before. Big celebration.

Here's what gets me so much. Both mothers and their dad are all dead. I'm the only living "parent" among the bunch of parents. I am a step-mom and mom. On a family holiday barbeque, I was not invited. I've never had any ill words or feelings with any of these people.

My question is, "Why the hell did I give so much when they were growing up, and why, since I obviously supported their getting to know each other and encouraged the get-together, WHY WAS I NOT INVITED TO THE FAMILY PICNIC? I cried most of the day Monday,knowing that everyone was together having fun and I was all alone (widowed from my 2nd husband Joe whom I loved with all my heart. Why did they all get to die and leave me here alone? I never knew I would have so much pain at my age. These are the "golden years" that I never got to share with my Joe? Lastly, you know the dead are all heroes. You never hear anything but glowing words about them....all the while I know so much they don't know. How come they all got to die and I didn't?

nowjustme 05/30/2012

A big hug for you (((((((((((((((((((((Kathleen))))))))))))))))))))

I don't know why, but it stinks!!! One day they will be in our postion and then maybe they will know how it feels.
Don't let this thing bug you, your friends love you.

deauxgirl 05/30/2012

That really sucks. Sometimes I think people just don't think. I'm sure while you were helping support them, you weren't mentioned but I'm sure their dad was. Sometimes people choose to remember half the truth.

I'm really sorry that this happened, after all you have suffered already.

Big Hugs,
Paula

lovelos 05/30/2012

I am so sorry....I have asked myself that question many times. Last week I told my 85 year old mom that I hope I don`t live as long as she is....when I saw the look of hurt in her face I know that I am here for a reason. We are here for a reason my friend....and we will be here for each other long after we figure this out....hugs Lu Ann

deleted_user 05/30/2012

Your experience sounds familiar. My beloved wife was married before marrying myself. Her former husband had extra marital affairs and left her 4 months after her daddy past away. My beloved wife had become a step mom to his former wife's children for 14 years. He did the same pattern to his first wife.

Then he fought for custody and married a married woman who he had an affair with while being married to my beloved wife and had this new woman help in the raising of the children that my beloved wife and her former husband had during their marriage. It was painful for the kids and my beloved wife too.

I stood strong beside her through the years of our marriage with support. This whole mess was the worst situation for the women involved and then various children he produced only to harm to this date with his immature ways.

Now my beloved wife has passed on to be with the Lord in Heaven and the kids are all grown up with children of their own. They ignore me and treat like I do not exist. I forgave them wholly and their dad. It was quite a mess with their dad who has many unresolved issues around manhood and fatherhood. Thus treat women like pawns and objects.

Why did you get left here and they went ahead of you? I believe for myself that my beloved wife could not have dealt with me going first. So in my case I believe this to be why. For yourself, well surely it is not due to anything on your part. Perhaps it is due to some sort of lesson left to learn or someone who you will cross paths with and speak something that will uplift their spirit.

I choose to think only the best. It eases the already overwhelming pain from suddenly losing my beloved wife at the young age of 49. I trust it all to God and have turned it all over to HIM to fix. I sure can't fix it even it everything seems so broken and begs so many unanswered questions.

Thanks so much for your honesty and for sharing your heart.

Genuinely,
BEAR

RRA55 05/30/2012

There is no excusable reason for that kind of inconsiderate behaivor. I keep saying that people do things like this out of plain ignorance. I choose to beleive that this sort of demeaning would never happen if they knew what lived inside our hearts. Please try to have some peace knowing you had no ill intent toward them. We all have to live with our decisions at some point and you have taken the high road. Perhaps there is a way to communicate your hurt feelings to them for a more positive outcome? Sometimes it is true that they have no idea until they are told. It is also true that sometimes they just don't care. For your sake I hope they do care and that you can find some solace in your soul regarding this. I am so sorry you had to be put through this experience. You did not die because you were not meant to. There is peace for you to find out there, and I beleive some happiness too. Just knowing we all have each other here @ DS is such a sense of support to me and I hope for you as well.

Take care and big hugs,

Robin

deleted_user 05/30/2012

That is so low of them to treat you that way. Have you thought of asking one of your kids why you were excluded? Do you think becuase they didn't think you'd be comfortable being there? Sometimes those of us grieving are hurt more by others who 'avoid' us. Not because they don't want to be around, but because they don't know what to do or say. So they do and say nothing.
My Gerry has been gone 6 months and it hurts every day. I cry every day. I only had a few more years of work and we had so many plans and things we wanted to do. Now there is nothing. Life sucks, doesn't it?!

deleted_user 05/30/2012

I think your two children should have stood up and insisted you be there. I could only imagine how you feel, i am very sorry, being let down like this by people you consider family is very painful. I would write them all, letting them know how much they hurt you, and reminding them of what you have done for them. No reason to keep the pain to yourself, this is betrayal of the first degree and you should definitely let them know how you feel.

As far as why we are left here to suffer? I've been asking myself that for nine months now. I have been trying to convince God that maybe He made a mistake leaving me behind. Hope He listens soon.

God Bless, Sal.

LoveyouT 05/30/2012

I think it is terrible that you were not invited. If it were me, I would ask my two children why I was not invited to the BQ and I would explain to them how hurt you that you were not invited.

As for why why they got to die and you didn't, only God knows that answer.

Leanette

gone2soon 05/30/2012

I am so very sorry for your pain. You did not deserve to be treated this way and I can imagine how hurt you feel. If you feel it would accomplish anything talk with your children to find out why you were excluded. Hopefully its just that they thought it would be painful for you. If you don't think anything would be accomplished try to find a way to move past it and give it to their unconsciousable behavior. I know it is not easy but it will harm you more than it will them. You are worth more than that. You have people who care and we are here anytime to listen and offer support. Hugs and I wish peace for you. Anne

Nicker07 05/30/2012

It is amazing how they could not have at least asked you.
Mom, we are getting together with these folks, would it upset you because we plan on taking and comparing our lives with our dead father, step father etc...

I kinda have a feeling some of these in that group did not want you there so they could talk about things they do not wish for you to hear??? And or hurt you???? But I think your own full blooded children could have stated that as nicely as possible so you would have a clue as to why...

I am so sorry your own family has to to this to you.
A big huge,
And I would at least ask the one you are closest to in a nice way -
Is there a reason why no one wanted to invite me? And just state one time It did kinda hurt my feelings no one even asked if I wanted to join at least one of the times...

NewRoadsForMe 05/31/2012

Thanks for all the support, guys. I did want to let you know that my son really really wanted me there, but the party was at someone else's house who had organized the barbeque. He did not want to go without me, but I encouraged him to go on. Afterwards he came by my house and took me for a ride. It was late Monday eve, almost dark. I know for a fact my daughter did not want me there. She is currently not speaking to me. Family dynamics are intricate, aren't they?

cheerryG 05/31/2012

I am so sorry that this was so hurtful for you. Could they have thought that you were close enough that a verbal invite wasn`t needed?
So true that the dead are `heros`, my two boys are just realizing the flawed human that their dad was.
If it is any comfort - if you died I am sure your picture would be hung with tears and larger then life stories. As we all found out, people react differently to death. Maybe their `group mentality` took over(?)
I would certainly let your children know how hurt you were, and get it out in the open. Could they be having hard feelings over the death of your Joe? Just a thought. God bless... G-

goldenearrings 05/31/2012

Understand your pain..........dealing with blended families has complications all their own..............have been through some of that.........I try to focus on the wonderful years Norm and I had together............we did put each other first......we made that choice..........a few days before he went into cardiac arrest, we saw The Notebook and he told me he though coules who love each other should be able to die together........I agreed.........didn't happen that way.......and often I too, wonder what there is here for me to do............trusting God knows more that me....***........seeking His will for the rest of my life until we can be reunited in heaven............blessings..........L

deleted_user 05/31/2012

Been pondering this myself, there are lots of expressions that cover this like, my time on earth is not up, your work here is not finished, my number is not up.......

Time will tell I guess but I still wish Chris was here to share what I am doing.

deleted_user 05/31/2012

Kathleen, I don't even know what to say.

I DO KNOW there is NO EXCUSE for this in not inviting their only LIVING parent to a FAMILY event! And especially NOT tell you a REASON!! So your daughter and you are not speaking!! They are all supposed to ADULTS aren't they? I don't even know what to think about this kind of ignorance!! Just KNOW you DID NOT RAISE them like that, and what you said about speaking glowingly of the departed is true. They will feel this at some point, and be GUILTY they didn't spenmd the time they should have while you were here dear friend!! I'm angry for yOU1!

As for why we are still here? Wish someone had all the answers but the only one I know isn't speaking clearly at times! ;-) I can tell you though that there IS a reason to be here, and you with all you do with your little man, and the church, and reaching out to help children? There are many reason right there that YOU are here. How about the pictures of their dad? They would not have had them without YOU!

Sending tight hugs to you dear friend, and KNOW that we here LOVE YOU!1 diane

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