My husband of 19 1/2 years passed away 2/24/16 at the age of 44. Thus, leaving behind myself, 37, along with three children, 15, 13, and 4. September 24th marked the 7th month since his passing.

While I originated as a member of the original site, I haven't been posting as much since the transition. But, I thought I'd let everyone, especially the newcomers, know where I am at right now in the grieving process. I understand that time is relative and time frames mean different things to different people. I told my therapist that I could handle this better if there was some set timeline set in stone that said, "OK, this is where you are to be three months, six months, and so on." Unfortunately, as we all know, this does not exist.

I can tell you that the first two-three months I was on autopilot. Looking back I think that my body was in shock and as a defense mechanism my brain would only allow me to process things this way. I was just basically going through the motions of work, getting children to school, and trying to maintain a house (that one is still a work in progress). I only gave in to my grief in the night hours when the day was over.

However, during months four-six the fog began to lift. My mind began to allow me to relive those last few days with him and view them from another perspective. While his death was sudden and unexpected, he had been ill for the last three years. So, for the longest time it was almost impossible to even remember that we had almost 16 years of a happy and healthy life together. I've realized that our life together clearly consisted of a "before/after". Before his injury that started his downward spiral in health, he was so gregarious, independent, and always on the go. Afterward, he became the opposite. Not overnight, but his illness wore on him because he just wasn't the man he had been before. I've begun to really appreciate the "before" and I am so thankful for those days. I'm also mourning the death of all of our dreams and plans for the future. We will not travel the country in an RV, we won't sit out on the front porch swing and watch our grandchildren play in the yard. 

On 9/24/16, I made the decision to clean out our closet. I bought storage bins and I packed all of his things away. I have to say that it was very bittersweet. While I was not as upset and I thought I was going to be, it was a very sad and surreal experience. I can't explain why I did it on that day. I just had an inner voice that told me it was time. Now, his towel still hangs in the bathroom and his pajama pants are still where he left them. I'm not rushing to move these things, but I know the day will come when I will have that inner voice telling me that it's time.

I've survived our first anniversary, his first birthday, Father's Day, and soon will be the first Thanksgiving and the first Christmas. The hardest holiday so far for me was Father's Day and I think I was just so heartbroken for my children. It was the first holiday where they had to focus on what they've lost. 

I've now reached the point where I'm trying to focus on myself and rebuild myself. I was always the quiet, more reserved person in our relationship. I've found that now I've got to learn to speak up and be my own advocate in this life. I'm working on finding my own voice. I'm also now starting to focus more on my health. I'm even entertaining the thought of returning to school next fall to complete my degree.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean for this post to be so long. I just wanted to offer you hope in knowing that the misery and hopelessness doesn't last forever. I still have bad days, but lately I've had more good days. I miss him terribly, so much my bones ache. But, it helps that he's visited me in my dreams on three different occasions. In each of these dreams the overall feeling that he conveyed to me was that he is fully healed and at peace with the Lord. This comforts me and lets me know that he is in a far better place. I've come to the realization that the Lord took him home as an act of extreme mercy that saved him from months of prolonged suffering.

I just know that when I was at the one to two month mark, if someone had told me I'd be feeling like this in month seven, I would not have believed it possible. 

I hope that this post was somewhat helpful.

Good luck to all of you. You, and your families, are in my prayers. 

Kathy