Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
It has been just over four months since I found my healthy husband dead on our living room floor. Our four year old con keeps asking why his Dad went to heaven and I haven't a clue. When I called the medical examiners office they just told me it can take six months! When they were at the house they told me it could take three months. And now I find out that I should have picked up my husband's belongings in September when he died. NOBODY EVER TOLD ME THIS ! How do they think families live not knowing why the lost their husband and father? Does anyone care about the anger and hurt not knowing why the people we loved died? I have lost my husband, my job, and my medical insurance. My life totally stopped on September 5th and nobody can tell me what the hell happened. Where are my taxes dollars going when I need them? Would the medical examiner like to come back to my house and deal with a four year little boy who is shattered without his Dad? Does the Medical Examiners wait six damn months to find out why their father died???? I hope nobody else ever has to go through this because you can't beginning to move on without a CAUSE OF DEATH. I have to get this out before I lose what is left of my mind. Our Governor should do more to help widows with answers. This is flat out cruel!!!
I know you are entitled to Social Security benefits for your son as he is a child survivor. The other place you might try is your late husband's workplace benefits person. They can't process anything either until the death certificate is issued. Maybe they could help.
I am so sorry for your loss and the way your world has been turned upside down. You will get through this. Don't give up.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
As to your boy, at his age, explaining the cause of death need not be anything near what you need to have, for coping.
It might help you to consult a children's therapist, for "wording" an age appropriate answer.
I was 4 yrs O when my dad died, and did not get "reasons" until much later ages, when I started asking those questions myself.
I do remember (the year he died) the only thing that mattered to me was that he was gone. and not ever coming back to earth for me to see him.
It took a long time for me to believe that. Then more of my life to process the loss, and medical information. which I found by reading his death certificate myself.
I think at 4 yrs old, information beyond his ability to understand could create more anxiety, instead of what we adults consider "answers" or a starting place to find closure.
I am no child therapist, but basically all deaths result when something goes wrong in a persons body, which causes it to stop working well enough to continue living.
A small child could misapply details, which they can't understand at all, to other people's lives whom they need as a secure attachment.
I would recommend consulting with someone adept at understanding a 4 yr old's capacity to process information.
As an aside, I can tell you that my own mother did NOT understand the medical "why"s surrounding my dad's death.
Nevertheless, she unfailingly misquoted a Dr who examined him & assumed something prior to death. wrongly.
Your 4 yr old's concern is relational, because his understanding is limited to his world right now.
He needs to know that Daddy didn't leave because he wanted to, or because of anything which can be changed.
At 4, I did not understand death, or it's permanence.
What he needs to know will grow, as he matures through the years.
YOUR need to know is grown up. His is not.
I say that with the utmost compassion, having lost my dad at the same age. He will be dealing with this loss while he grows up.
"If only" we could process death as quickly it happens! None of us are so fortunate.
You have some good advice, here, I can't add any.
Just know we are all here for you, please keep us updated.
Try and get rest, take care,
Gentle hugs for you and your little boy,
From Sandra
I held it together really well during Christmas and New Years because of my son. I think this week it just hit hard because my son took my husband's ball cap and left on the table while I was outside. When I came in the house I thought it was just a bad dream and started looking around for him. It took a minute to realize that he was home...
Every time I close my eyes I see him laying on the floor in our living room. I don't want to see or remember him that way but I just can't shake the image. I am seeing someone and so is my son to try and help ease the pain and some days it does seem to help.
I'm only 42 years old. I met my husband right before my 14th birthday. He was the strong one and now I am having to step up. I went from the fun Mom and both Mom and Dad with every word being No.
How do we go on? I am so scared of being a lone. I had to go the the ER by ambulance and was terrified. I can't stand going out anymore because I fall a part. I am just so damn lost in a world I use to love. I loved my life prior to this and know it will never ever be the same. I feel selfish for praying that he comes home one last time to see us. Had I known what was going to happen I would have asked him why he didn't feel good. I would have stayed awake another half hour to see how his work shift went. I totally let him down when he needed me the most. My husband has taken care of me through the worst illnesses and never complained. And the one time I should have been there I wasn't. I know I shouldn't feel this way because god knows what I would have done but I could have held his hand while he took his last breathe, I feel I was robbed of saying goodbye when they took him out of the house This is a nightmare and I know that I am not dreaming. The shock is starting to ware off and I'm so lost. If I just knew what the hell happened I think I could find some type of peace.
God Bless All Of You and Thanks for Listening.
I understand about loosing everything as does everyone here. I too lost my husband, the main income, insurance, stability, safety ect. Its so very hard. Not knowing is the worst.