Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

When does the sign go away?

alhart
alhart
Maybe it's just me, but I still struggle when I go places. It feels like I have a sign on me saying 'widowed' when I go places. Whether it's a new dentist office or a familiar grocery store, I feel like a stranger in a foreign place and that everyone is staring at me. I know they aren't really but it still feels different.
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
It takes awhile before you stop feeling like that. I found that what helped me the most was to define myself in other ways than 'widow' - the more you think only of yourself in those terms, then the more you will feel like that's all anyone thinks of you as, which isn't true. Yes, you will get the sad and pity eyes from some, but the stronger and more confident you become, and the more confidently you carry yourself, the less you will be treated as something other than 'different.'

As to how long that will take, there is no hard and fast rule. It depends on how long it takes for you to heal enough to not carry yourself like a wounded creature. For me, even when I felt like a wounded creature, I learned not to show it. 'Never let them see you sweat, never let them see you cry' was what I eventually had to master. It sucks. My grief became my own, a private thing, only shared with a few that I trusted, and of course my friends here.

Hope this helps....

Love and Hugs,
Martha
nowjustme
nowjustme
They are not starring at you, that's all in your thinking. We all feel like we are now in a foreign country and out of place everywhere. I can't say when it will go away. I'm at 2 1/2 yrs and still feel alone in the world. It just takes time, time and more time.
aloneishard
aloneishard
I know what you are talking about. I have the same sign except mines says widower. It is extremely large and is flashing neon. I dont know which is more noticeable, the neon sign or the elephant that is with me always.
sandeestttn
sandeestttn
I said, earlier I was going to get a shirt with that on it...WARNING.....WIDOW...May burst into tears at any given moment. But I never did. Recently, I got one that said... Big Flirt....lol
prk218
prk218
This is something that I struggle with as well. I always hate the look the I seem to get when I tell nosy people what happened. I feel it is a look of pity and awkwardness. I am not sure that I will ever get used to it. Sorry, no real advice but good luck and know that ou are not alone in your thinking.
jerseydebbie
jerseydebbie
There are times when I still feel like that, but now I imagine they are thinking I'm the poor dear who lives alone in her house.

It has been five years for me, and I avoid letting others know my marital status unless I am asked. No sense in lying about it. I feel better mingling amongst people if they don't know my business.

I too would feel like I had a large sign on my forehead.
sandeestttn
sandeestttn
My sign is gone!!!!.. Now people ask me if I am married. I have to tell them I am widowed for 17 months....
mel40
mel40
I agree that it's how you carry yourself. I did notice how much attention I got when I was really wounded and raw. People would often just out of the blue say "you are so beautiful." Or "you are so gorgeous." I don't hear that now. I find it quite interesting. I guess I can rock the bags under the eyes and red puffy eyelids.