Sorry to hear you lost your husband at such an early age, but from everything I've gleaned so far avoidance does not work either. I'm at 12 1/2 weeks, so what do I know.

Yes well you do have words of wisdom "'Öne day at a time"" keep telling myself that and to be kind to myself. I have found that time has frozen as well whilst everyone seems to continue. Just read a message of someone who has found that happiness can be found again - which should give us hope.

I'm sorry for your loss. My husband Cliff was not that much older than your husband - 55 - and died of a heart attack none of us saw coming. What I can tell you is that grief will have its due. You can't outrun it. Sooner or later you will have to face it. The best way to do that is with support and with some tools. I joined here for some of the support I needed, but I also got counseling. That was a big help for me. The counseling I received was free through an Employee Assistance Program. You might want to see if your company has one. Otherwise, you can check your insurance coverage or with your local hospice program.

Time does not heal the wounds. Time gives you the opportunity to heal yourself, to keep trying to find a new way forward, to cast around through trial-and-error to find what works for you. You could spend another 33 years running, and the passage of time would not have any effect. It is what you do with the time that has an impact.

Being brave enough to join here is a great first step. You have recognized that just running isn't the answer. It's going to take several pieces to put the puzzle of your life together, but you've made a good start. Welcome!

Love and Hugs,
Martha

When PTSD is added to the mix, it seems to be doubly hard to move forward. It's like the pain of the flashbacks almost outweigh the pain of the actual loss, if that makes sense. I still believe that for me, to start over fresh at some point would be beneficial. Not sure how or if it will happen, but i try to have hope. Hope is all I have left! I don't equate this with "running away" exactly. I can't bring him back. My question is, "Why do we feel guilty or that we are betraying?" This is a sincere question. I hear over and over and over people saying they feel this way, but they don't explain. Beginning a new relationship is not necessarily bad within itself. Please, no one throw anything at me...

Team: I say don't be afraid to break your heart. It will hurt for a while, but eventually you will recover and not having to live in conflict.
Take care of your body - grieving is hard work.

She: If you're tied to the past, then moving on with your new live while leaving the loved one behind feels like a betrayal. But we actually move forward and not move on. The future life that we live includes the loved ones in spirit and in memory.

I am truly sorry you lost your love. Our stories have a lot of similarities. My husband and I were together for 33 years. He suffered a sudden cardiac arrest and died after spending 30 days in cardiac ICU. He was awake and doing well for 2 weeks and declined slowly after surgery. He was 59 and had no symptoms that we were aware of although he was a heavy smoker. I could not face the devastating pain and tried to outrun it by staying busy and avoiding being alone. After about a year I began to realize I needed to deal with the pain. Really deal with it. I let myself grieve and although I still stay busy ( it's just my nature) I'm doing better and can handle being by myself a bit better. We all handle our grief differently. Time does help, after 2 years and 4 months I am much better than early on and as time passes I am mostly doing better. I still have bad days or moments but I'm ok. Allow yourself to grieve when and how it is right for you. Take the time you need and just go day by day. I still don't look too far ahead. I wish you peace. Marybeth

Wow some great advice on here - thank you to everyone's responses, I truly appreciate it,. I must say I do beat myself up and try to look way too far into the future which is not healthy but that was always me - Dream big. This was definitely not part of the dream, more like a nightmare. I am reading Rio Ferdinand's book - finding this really helpful and making me feel that I haven't gone mad.
I am truly sorry to all of you for your losses, its hard so hard isn't it.!

I'm 69 days into my journey. My husband was also only 49. He was sick for 20 days with what turned out to be pancreatic cancer. We hardly had time to process the diagnosis and didn't even get to start treatment before it took him. One thing I keep telling myself is that so far, I am 100% successful in getting through these awful, terrifying, extremely sad days. That is an accomplishment worth being celebrated each day. Your husband (mine too) are cheering us on! Let's try to remember that, and not let them down. I really want to make my husband proud. That's my biggest motivator.

denverkim the advice you gave is so helpful. I never thought about my husband cheering me on. What a wonderful way to think about it. I would never want to let him down. Thank you for sharing

Hi TeamDabbs,
I lost my husband very suddenly also. He was only 39. You are right. Running and avoidance do not work. I tried all of that. It took me about three years to realize that the grief was something I had to walk through and experience to the fullest. That was the only path to being able to live without him. I had so much help, a few good friends who stood by me and prayed me through those years, a Christian counselor who was honest with me, and most of all a new understanding of the reality of a God who knew about grief and walked with me through it. These are the gifts I am asking for you. It is really tough and it takes time. Hang in there and God bless you.

Martha gives excellent advice! I've been on this site almost as long as she (give or take 3 years or so) and have learned a great deal, not only from Martha but others as well.

I was a runner. No, not an athlete, but a runner-away-er. All I did was run, clean, pack up and move. I moved about 4 times. Then bought my old house back - full circle.

Did I face my grief? Not sure. I must have at some point. I know that writing helped me process my feelings and the mantra "baby steps, baby steps" that I read here time and time again, helped to not project too far into the future or else the overwhelming feelings would be so strong, I'd collapse.

Looking back, I recognize that I needed activity, needed to keep moving, and physical activity, like housework, swimming, walking, biking, whatever is fine. It tires one out and helps to channel that grief.

But moving house? No that was extreme. That should have alerted me that I wasn't facing my grief. Anyway, it's all in the past now. All I can add to the excellent advice from others is that you've come to a good place. We all understand and will help and support you as much as we can.

Oh and don't forget "baby steps, baby steps".

I have already moved one time but only about a fourth of a mile. It was mainly because I couldn't stay in the house. It has been a little over a year for me now, and I am debating another major move back to where my family lives. I have grand kids there who don't know me, and others who probably don't remember much about me. My problem is not being able to wrap up loose ends so that I CAN move by the time my lease is up in July. I could be looking at July of 2019! My running shoes are on - just not laced up.

Wow great advice - will do ''Baby steps, baby steps .... so glad to find this group, have a super Sunday everyone :)

Hi TD,
Continue doing what you're doing; you're doing the best you can given your loss. Almost 5 years ago I lost the love of my life. I couldn't conceive of life without him. I did everything I could to fill my thoughts and time. Nothing achieved the goal, but occasionally I smiled or laughed, gradually I became involved in my new life.
It's not as good as the old one, but I've learned to embrace it. In time it scabs over. My condolences on your loss.

I called my sister yesterday, and she was throwing out all kinds of advice as to how I could do this, that, and the other, and be out of here by July of this year. I was turning green in color. With that kind of pressure, I may just decide to stay on here another year! She is in her 70s, and her husband has COPD (and still smoking). I just hope this advice doesn't come back to haunt her. Between dealing with the 30,35 issue coming up and the headstone issue and the tax issue - to name a few, I wanted to tell her to get a life. It's not easy to sell everything you own and start over!!!