It's only been 4 weeks for me but I cry (and sometimes it is on and off for hours at a time). I know exactly how you feel. Within an hour and a half from the time my husband felt pain, he was gone. My mind is all over the place with so many different emotions. When I do have some coping time, all of sudden the reality hits me and the pain goes so deep. However, I do realize that if I look back, I am doing more than I did before. So, you have to look at the very small strides that you are able to make. I also try to rationalize that when you take the risk of loving someone so deeply, in the end one of you will be experiencing this (unless you both go at the same time). Unfortunately, we are not alone. So many people go through this...and so many people get through. I think our brains are working on acceptance but that takes time. Yes, this is a nightmare, yes it feels like you won't move forward but love never dies. Talk to her, write it down. I don't know what faith you are (I'm Catholic) but someone gave me a book called "Jesus Calling." It's a daily devotional and I read a page each day. Also, bought one in the children's version for my daughter. It's as though it was written for people going through this sort of trauma. I believe prayer helps.

we know what you are going through,I also cry every single day,its exactly two months since he left and what hurts most is we can't fulfil the promises we made to each other,like getting married having kids,we wanted kids so much although he had a 7year old daughter,I knew I would make a great step mom and he trusted me with that,and that day he died when things unfolded in front of my eyes,I knew that moment I didn't want to leave without him,I tried to commit suicide,I was walking away from the hospital where he died so I could run myself in the first car that came speeding but they held me and I couldn't,I still wonder how am still living without him because he was the best thing that ever happened to me in this life,I never slept,I never ate,I lost almost 10 kg but just know God has all the answers,pray and ask him for guidance,much love to you!

On Sept. 4th 2015, my 44 year old husband was diagnosed completely out of the blue (no symptoms) with Stage 4 metastatic colon cancer - it was also throughout his body. He fought and fought, until he had no fight left in him. He died one year and two days later. It is absolutely CRUSHING to see your true love and soul mate suffer such pain and agony. It's been almost five months for me, and I still cry every single day. We have three kids together, so I don't have a choice in keeping it together for them; but usually late at night, reality hits and memories hit and anger and sadness converge. I will say that, as time moves on, there are now some days where I begin to feel a bit better. That's usually followed by a bad day. My hope is that the bad days get few and farther between.
I feel your pain - you're not alone.

i am so very sorry :( what a horrible devastating loss. she sounds like an incredible person. i think you were so blessed to have her, though i know it seems like the time was far too short. i will be thinking of you, dear. big hugs from afar.

I so feel your pain I to have been widowed this makes twice for me. You would think yea got it but you never do. Its almost a year for me you never forget. he was my once in a life time love. But you do in time see the light at the end of the road and the pain is less in time. I am starting to pick up the pieces of my life and going forward. Please be good to yourself take care of yourself take baby steps if you need to. Rest and drink lots of water in time you will get this. Prayers and hugs to you. You are never alone

Thank you all for your kind words, sympathies, and testimonials. I see myself, and my circumstance in just about every one of your letters. That all being said, I must be honest as well, I'm also a little uneasy and embarrassed for writing here in the first place. I don't like appearing to be whiny or attention seeking, and certainly not looking for peoples sympathies. This is just who I am, and just another residual obstacle I hadn't planned on. My life has changed in so many unexpected ways, and NONE of which I would have ever chosen for myself had I even been given the choice. I was just mired in a really bad week, especially after the previous week where I thought perhaps it was getting easier. dani.hall0920 you described it perfectly when you said that the bad days usually follow the good, as that is exactly what I experienced, and hence I wrote my original post. I'm sure none of you think this way, but thank you all for not calling me out as someone who's looking for attention. Again, this is my issue, I'm sure not one of you feels that way, I just need to come to grips with the fact that many aspects of my life, my personality (and my ENTIRE future) are now forever altered, and I'm just going to have to deal with it. My biggest adjustment though is being so alone, if it weren't for talking to my cat I don't think I've spoken a word out loud in over a week. It really was just the two of us, and that was plenty, we had each other, we were each others world, what more did we even need?... we just (falsely) believed that even if it was just the two us we'd still have each other for 40, maybe even 50 more years. Her passing has changed literally every aspect of my life, and not one iota for the better. Instead of 50 years we got 3195 glorious days together, I only wish I'd have known our time together going to be so short, I would've gladly packed eighty years into eight, had I only known. She was partner, my lover, my teammate, my better half, my rock, my hero, my LIFE... and now it is just me. Oh crap, here I go crying again! That is yet another aspect I'm starting to deal with, not just mourning her passing, but now I'm also starting to grieve for my OWN self as well. Mired in self pity... ME of all people!!??... Christ what have I become? I never imagined a life without her, and certainly not one like this.

Please don't feel badly for expressing your true feelings. This is a place where you can come and feel no judgment. Everyone here understands as we have all had a tragic loss by losing our loved one. It helps to know that others get it . People who haven't had this experience do not really understand. Please feel free to write whatever you feel it really does help to heal. Let it out, feel every emotion. I was too afraid for a long time to really allow myself to feel the pain. I tried to keep so busy so I wouldn't be alone with my pain. Eventually I did allow myself to confront it and I slowly began to move forward. Everyone has their journey but we all have so much in common. Let it all out. God Bless

I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand. I lost my soulmate of 40 years, 4 and 1/2 years ago due to breast cancer. I have been on this site for most of the time since. I found DS about a month after she passed and it kept me sane, understanding that what I was going through was "normal" I don't get on here as much lately, but today i was in a big funk and I tend to read the forum when I am. Then I see all the "new" people on here and how much pain you all are in and it makes me realize that I am not as bad as I was. Painful yes. Still crying some days, yes. I expect that this is my life from now on. Just cry when you need to. Take care of yourself. Oh by the way, I still struggle with sleep. I refuse to go the Dr. for any prescription. I have been trying everything, but not much really works.

Take care, i wish you peace.

Jeff

I come from a culture that is ok with crying. So, I just cry, cry, cry. I cry to my family, friends and even to a cashier at the store. If I feel like letting it out I do, although I am trying not to do so much in front of my daughter. So, once she is off to school or goes to a friend's house, I give myself permission to grieve. I have found that when I do it actually helps. I go deep in the despair but now I also tell myself that it will pass and I will have some numbness. It's just so up and down. I know you mentioned you don't want to appear as though you want attention or that you are whiny. This is neither. You lost the love of your life and it hurts unbelievably. Let it out. I actually went to see a grief counselor today and maybe that is something you should consider. I miss my husband to the deepest of depths. I feel many of the same things you stated. I know your pain.

I come to this site again, only to be greeted once again by kind words and empathy. I wish I had the opportunity to thank you all individually, but it doesn't appear that I have that option. That being said, allow me then to thank you all collectively..... your compassion and kindness has warmed my heart and helped to ease my suffering. When I take into consideration that you all are also experiencing the loss and gut wrenching pain that I too am mired in, it only makes your condolences that much more poignant and meaningful . Thank you all for your strength, your advice, and your testimonials, you are all too kind. I wish you a respite from your pain, a moment of unsurpassed joy once again... because you ALL are so deserving.

<3 thank you and sending you a hug and some love tonight. <3