Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I lost my love on 11/09/2017. He had never really had health issues. He worked all day long the Friday before. Early (2am) 11/06 he woke me and gently said "Baby I need to talk to you" . I sat up quickly because I knew something must be wrong. He said he had indigestion for about the last our and Tums did not help. He did not seem to be in distress but he was trying to protect me as usual. I dressed quickly and off to the ER. The EKG comfirmed it was a heart attack. They brought him in and placed 2 catheters. Dr said his heart was very strong. After one day in CCU he was moved to a regular room. He looked great. 10 yrs younger. He was walking around and acting like his old self. The Dr was ready to discharge him on Wed morning. I spoke with the Dr that morning and told him that he had a weird cough and still has some pain in the center of the chest so he didnt discharge him and called a lung dr. They did a CT of the lungs (never got the results) I spent the whole day that Wed with him. He walked me to the elevator that evening (didnt want me to stay the night) He said come back in the morning we will eat breakfast, talk to the Dr and go home to take care of each other as we always did. We spoke late that night on the phone a few times until midnight. The phone rings early Thursday morning (4am). I though it was him and he just had woken early. The nurse told me they took him back to CCU because his status changed! What the Hell he was supposed to come home that morning. I get there and nurse tells me"if you wont to see him with a pulse you better go in now" I walk into them shocking him . I cant believe what is happening. I go to him and grab his hand "Baby I am here" His pulse remained for 10 minutes while I was talking to him. They ask me if I wanted to keep shocking him. I didnt know what to do because he was fine when I spoke to him. "Is there any hope?" I was infomed that his brain function may not be good if they brought him back so I said to stop. Sitting there in the middle of a hurricane is what I felt like. Then all of a sudden they run in and grab the gurney and take off to the cath lab again. "We are going to try something else" The nurse grabs me around the head and starts praying loudly "Lord give her hope" I am not against prayer by no means but this was just bizarre. They came back and said they needed a pulse to do a procedure and they couldnt get it. The Dr comes in for the 2nd time sits down in a chair grabs his head and starts shaking it back and forth. " I dont know I dont know what happened" I am not a stranger to code blues but this did not look like anything I had ever seen. Till this day I dont know what happened to my husband. The questions run thru my mind everyday. It is hard to make peace with it when you dont know the answers. Sorry this was so long but I finally felt I was in a safe place to tell the story.
Hugs, Dolores
I had to leave the bedroom as it was while the police checked everything. It was an incredibly horrible experience. I still, after a decade now, have traces of PTSD left from it. So do my sons. I get so much as a cold and they fear I am dying. I can't watch the medical shows at all. It brings it all back.
I think the idea of meeting with the doctor and getting an explanation is a good one, if you are strong enough.The doctor may or may not want to do that, or he may insist on having the hospital lawyer involved. If they think they are about to be sued, that is entirely possible - even if that is not what you're thinking.
I was haunted by whether or not I had done anything wrong because I failed to save Cliff. I went over that whole awful scenario in my head a thousand times. Despite what the paramedics told me, I still wondered if there was something I should have/could have/would have done. Guilt is an ugly component of grieving.
I finally got my real answers 2 years later, when I found some medical papers in Cliff's desk when I was trying to find some business tax papers ( I had to close out both our businesses and file late tax returns, etc.). He had been diagnosed with high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and COPD, and he was supposed to go for blood tests and get treatment started. He never told me. When he came out of the doctor's office, I was sitting in the waiting room and he had been such a long time I asked him what the doctor said. Cliff said, "oh, the usual, quit smoking and lose some weight." He didn't tell me that they had hooked him up to a heart monitor and wanted to do more. The doctor also didn't say diddly-squat to me about it. If he had, you can bet your a@@ Cliff would have had tests, treatment, whatever was needed, and maybe we wouldn't be having this conversation. The only elusive answer is to the question of "why?" I have had several possible answers to that one, and none really satisfy.
You need to do whatever brings peace to you. I hope posting here has helped. I wish you better days....
Love and Hugs,
Martha