Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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kimmyewing 04/28/2015

My husband and I were in a very small very connected group of people. I knew him because he was the best friend of my eldest sister and his younger sister and my sister were friends and a lot of his high school "girl" friends were friends of my sisters that I consider to be my friends as well. Also a lot of his guy friends were also friends of my sisters so they all have known me since I was about 9 or 10. There are sometimes when I feel like some of these people treat me worse. Like their loss or grief is greater than mine because they knew him longer or were best friends or something like that. I don't feel like anyone gives me the respect the widow of this wonderful guy that they all loved so much. I even have discussions with my sister that she was very hard on me wanting to know everything about every doctor's appointment we went to because she was friends with Ryan and if it were my other sister's husband whom didn't grow up with us that she would feel very differently. She says this isn't true and she would be sad because her sister was going thru a tough time but I don't think that is true. I almost feel like maybe she blames me that I couldn't find the one thing that was going to save him and his friends maybe feel the same. I ran into one of his friends at the grocery store and all he said was hi and kept walking. Now normally he would have stopped and shot the shit for awhile. My main problem is that while I sympathize with his friends and family for their loss I don't really care at the same time. I am the one who comes home to a myself every night. I am the one who has to make a new life, I am the one who looses the future I once thought I had or was going to have. Everyone else's lives continue on as normal. Their spouse is home to greet them when they get there, no one treats them any differently, and so on. I don't know how to get over the hurt of loosing my husband as well as loosing people I thought were my friends.

SandyV1 04/28/2015

It's really sad but a lot of people just don't get it. It was the one-year anniversary of my husband's death on Saturday. I haven't heard from either of my brothers or some close friends. It does hurt. I'm sure they have no idea. Hugs, Sandy

Coop84 04/28/2015

Sandy is right!! They have no idea how our world changed when we lost our spouse. They will not get it until they go through this grieving journey we are. I know that my address book changed after Art passed away. It has happened to all of us. Know that we are here for you and get it!!!! Hang in there. It is a roller coaster of a ride. Hugs. Sue

maryelnew 04/28/2015

my husbands siblings can be similar, as we were in the ICU waiting room one of his sisters actually asked me if I knew that "x" (one of his brothers) loved him more than I did. She didn't mean anything mean by that, but I could not believe the words came out of her mouth. They also were asking the nurses questions that were not appropriate to come from siblings. THings that they should have asked me and then if I chose to share it would have been ok. Even after he passed the social worker came in to see me and asked what kinds of questions I wanted answered because they were asking questions she was finding a little too specific. My job was to protect my hsuband's personal information especially in death when he could not, I told her she could only say that he died of his disease, the actual specifics they did not need. I had been sharing all along so I don't believe anything more than that was needed. I understand friends and family mourn as well, but it is not the same and never can be.

matoacalady 04/28/2015

Kimmy....I totally get it. My family has all but left me in the dust. If not for a couple of really close friends and my friends here I would have totally lost it.
My meltdown was directly related to the "being left by the wayside" syndrome. They have all moved on with their lives and mine almost stopped.
I have to learn to let those feelings go and to reallllyyyyy lower my expectations of people because they will let you down every time.

Please know we care.

Hugs
Jennifer

dschwartz 04/28/2015

Kimmy . . . I don't quite really know what to say, other than I experienced similar. Friends that were in his life decades before me are not there, haven't been for me from day one. Same with family. I almost got the feel that I should have been the one sending them condolence cards, as they didn't bother to send me one. What a whacked world it is indeed. Most of them didn't even show up to the wake, refused to when I called, and downright made me feel that my marriage was invalid compared to their longtime friendship. I'm like, REALLY? Were you the one's having day in day out intimacy and relational conversations? HE chose to marry me, not you, so WTF is your problem? (Sorry) It just continues to irk me after a year. These people were not his true friends and certainly not mine. As for the family? I have no excuse for them. Just glad they remain out of my personal business while I'm dealing with probate, et al. Everyone that has posted before me is right on . . . there is never certainty in understanding fam/friends you thought you knew that would step up and do the right thing. ?? I'm left as clueless as you are, sadly. Hold your head up and keep it moving. Hugs to you, xo D

letmehelpyou 04/28/2015

Grief rewrites your address book. I hate to say this but it is true. You learn to be absolutely ruthless when dealing with people who treat you like that. You ignore them and you cut them out of your life. At least that is what I did. I was drowning and trying to make it to shore. I couldn't indulge other peoples whims and fancies when rebuilding my life was at stake.
Right now you are hard for them to face on many levels. 1. You remind them that a dear friend is not with them. You see, unlike you, they forget that he is gone. It is not their reality it is yours. You know every second of every day he is gone. They can push it to the back of their mind. So seeing you brings the loss to their forefront. 2. You are scary because they could be you. You are a reminder that everyone's world can change in a second. They don't like to think about this. You live it.
What I learned was to me these people were not worth the effort. I concentrated on those who tried to help me and myself. It hurts, but you just learn that your so called friends were not really friends at all. And you build better and deeper friendships with those that truly get it and care.

They have no idea. I am sorry.

Hugs,
Val

Wifeless 04/28/2015

KimmyEwing,

About a year after I was widowed, I wrote a one page document called Unique and Devastating Loss that tries to explain to the non-widowed around us the unique nature and true devastating extent of losing our spouse. After posting it on YWBB.org, an online support group for young widows and widowers. it quickly ultimately became one of the most widely read and shared posts on that site.

Since YWBB recently ceased operations, another nonprofit that assists widows and widowers asked me last month to repost it on their site. If interested, here is a link:

http://www.onefitwidow.com/unique-and-devastating-loss/

Copies of it have also been posted on DS several times, most recently here:

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Widows_Widowers/forum/19887501-unique-and-devastating-loss

Sorry for your loss.

--- WifeLess

barbarame 04/29/2015

Like you, I was horrified by things people did or did not do. I know they just do not get it. That is why DS has great value to us all xxx Sorry lovey, I am beside you on this journey, all the way. Write whatever you like we are familiar with it all, and we have the road map! xxx

IvyPhoenix 04/29/2015

I can't say that one is worse than another because I think both remind us of what we have lost, just on different levels. For me, because we were not married, my family and friends don't want to talk about my loss. His friends call me often to remind me of their grief but they get agitated if I say I am upset or having a tough time. They seem to forget that he lived here on weekends. I am the one who has to go home and see his suitcase in the livingroom, remember him watching football at the fireplace, or eating dinner at the table. I think maybe realizing that might make the loss too real for them and I try hard to remember that but at the same time I feel selfish for wanting them to give me room to not be ok as well. I would love to share this loss with my mother, because I suddenly realize how hard it was for her when she lost my dad. I see her in a whole new light but sharing this with her isn't her wish and I try to respect that for her.

I feel your pain and can only say you are not alone in it. Not sure if that helps.

sassiesoftail 04/29/2015

I totally agree with what everyone has said. Yes your address book does change not only the friends section but the family section also.

Recently I met my sister and a friend for a weekend in Vegas. They stated does it feel real to you, because to us it just seems like you guys moved away. It's been 20 months.
I know that they did not realize what they were saying, but it hurt to realize that thy did not understand my pain and how alone I feel.

Hugs, Sandi

JesusisOurSaviour 04/29/2015

Hi Kimmy,
I can understand your feelings....Only you know the special wonderful, relationship you had with your husband....And you know? That's what counts !!
. If your so called "friends" are not supportive of you and vice versa, then they are not friends. The adage that, "one can count there true friends on one hand," I believe is true.
Take care and don't fret, grieving is difficult enough.
Sandra

themaster 04/29/2015

I am sooooooo glad I disconnected myself from "people" a long time ago. I went to one of my oldest "friends" house to tell him Wanda had died.

His response: "You need to start coming a little earlier, cuz..."

I was actually speechless. His sleep was more important than my wife's death. I politely excused myself after 5 minutes and left.

I will never go to his place, again. This is someone I knew, since 1985...

Outside of that, I don't rely on other people, very much. and I'm glad, after reading you all's heartache from it. But yes, you cut these people out of your life.

You don't need them...

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