Oh Gail....Im from Chicago and we both speak the same language...I hope you found some rest and I hear your hurt all the way from there to here. I know it seems impossible to live a life of meaning again and truly be happy but at about 32 months here and I am really learning. It has not been easy actually its been insanity at times. One thing that keeps me going is our children...and our grandkids...I cant change the fact that cancer took someone away from us...it robbed our kids of their Dad...the grandkids wont ever remember a grandpa that was so excited to see them...and one that even came after....but I cannot let that MoFo take their Mom..their Grandma...I hope so deep in my heart that one day things will get better for you than they are today...will our lives ever be better without our other half..I don't think so..but I am finding that my life is becoming different and I am changing...I just heard a country song yesterday and I think its called "Waiting on a woman" There is a line in there that says something about since hes always waiting on a woman that he will go first and if he does he hopes that she takes her time because he loved waiting on his woman and he would be waiting. Its something like that but it tore through my heart. If I could rip through this computer right now and give you one second of peace and comfort I would...sending you so much love and hope for a decent day

Oh Gail, I hear you loud and clear. I'm at 16 months and totally agree that this "new life" sucks big time. And yes I use some of the same words you do!! And sleep??? What's that? Hopefully it will get better. I have an occasional good day and I think "maybe the worst is over" but of course it isn't. Hugs from AZ USA Darlene

I said I want my husband back again and again. I was so miserable without him. I am very sorry for your loss and hope being with others who have experienced the pain helps you feel some understanding. Sharon

Hi Gail, so totally relate. I hate every second of this new life and miss my husband and the life we had terribly. No matter how many support group meetings I attend, my heart is so broken. When I am around a group of people, I put on the big smile, make conversation, etc., but basically just want to cry... Knowing he will never come back, just goes to the core of my soul... So everyday I work on healing, trying to find a new meaning of why to be here and what purpose do I have now. Slowly I see meaning again. To make sure my grandchildren get a great education, make it a bit easy for my daughter when she needs help, be a friend to a new widow, help two friends who are in stage iv cancer. I just have to trust this new direction. We all relate Gail. Many healing hugs.

I understand Gail...I also want my husband back. And I'm from Canada, and I also use words like dickhead, bullshit and totally fucked all the time...and I smoke a lot of weed, because it's the only thing that basically stops me from throwing myself into the Fraser...Yesterday was the date that we met 22 years ago...we should be down at the beach together, high, happy and celebrating...Instead, I'm sitting in my living room on a beautiful sunny day, depressed, angry, and just...totally fucked. I'm sorry for all of our losses...this is just so unfair.

Gail, I was born in New Jersey and I use those words and a few more that may be sensitive to others. We do what we have to do to get it all out. I think there are many here that have equally foul vocabularies. Just say it any way you want.

Maggie

As for songs, the one that keeps going through my mind is Whitesnake's 'Here I go again'....
I'm going to be brutally honest here...when I met my husband, he basically 'saved' me from myself...even though he had his own issues...I was a 23 year old 'punk kid who just got back to Van after serving 4 months in a correctional facility in Manitoba. He was 38 and had his own issues with drugs and had been separated from his first wife for 7 years. We had gone through a lot of bullshit over the years, with child protection basically making us separate in 2006...we were back together within 3 months, but the bastards kept harassing us, right until the end...when my son turned 19, we were supposed to have time to relax, enjoy one another and not worry about that kind of thing any more. The ironic part is, for all the times we were harassing for using weed...now that my son is an adult, we both have a membership at a local dispensary, so for all the bullshit we endured over the years, now, we can have it legally and nobody can do shit. And this is yet another little victory that would be a lot better if he were here to share it with us.
In fact, when I called an ambulance for my husband the last time, they sent the RCMP too...why? Who knows...but this one little bastard went through our drawers...he had no right. And for all of his searching, he missed a bag of weed that I had in a drawer, in plain sight. I am glad I was able to tell my husband that and give him a good laugh before he passed away. God, how I miss him...sorry for the rant...I can only hope that things get a little better at some point...for all of us. Take care, Wendi

Your emotions, feelings and actions are very typical in this grief process. The life from US to ME comes in stages some forward, a little backward to forward, to acceptance to some kind of life - there are some smiles and laughter out there still but just not the same.

Hugs Hugs Hugs

Thanks for your responses everyone. I just don't understand,how,at 17 months out I'm feeling worse than ever. I lead a very busy life,work full time,have four adult children and lots of Grandkids but I still feel as though I'm just going through the motions. Life just seems to have no meaning anymore. Much love to all of you xx