WD,
I'm sorry that you lost your wife.

I would tend to believe that you and the kids are anything but fine. Grief is a very deceptive emotion. When you "think" you are dealing with things you'll find that the next minute or day you'll be racked with sorrow and profound sadness.

I would suggest that you and the kids go to a Grief Support Group to learn more about the "new life" you were forced to start.

Your son appears to present the same emotional discipline as you, Your expression of feelings would show him that its also ok for him to express his emotions.

A MOM photo album would be a way for him to be able to hold memories of her and also help you work though things with him.

Please remember that silence does not mean that "everything" is ok.
The children are most likely following your emotional example. Its ok for you to show them that you loved her and miss her. In doing that it will allow them the "permission" (for lack of a better word) to express themselves now, and in the future.

I hope this helps .

Nobody is OK with grief. We who mourn understand that we like to talk about our loved ones - too many of us feel we ought to "Be strong" for dad etc. If you need to cry, cry with the kids - take every oppportunity to talk about mom - on her birthday, light a candle as a token of the light that she brought to your life. What I am trying to say is, give full expression to your own feelings. You will, that way, give the kids permission to do likewise - you are their teacher and guide, death is a life experience. One of the most difficult, and we need help to get through. There is also a support group on here for motherless youngsters check it out and see if you think it will help him

I have 4 kids and my oldest went through this also... very quiet about it .... therapist said the same . For the most part he is good but when it rains it poors...just make sure you listen when he "does" want to talk. my oldest was so busy trying to hold it in for the other kids that he wasn't grieving and one night it just all came out..

It is hard to be what we aren't. My husband was the 'strong silent type' too. It shows in our children who are adults now too and they are truly okay. I think a conversation between you and them about your feelings about your wife and your being uncomfortable talking about her would be beneficial. It also lets them know they have a choice on talking about her and it's okay either way they want it to be. Sharon

My oldest is 10. He was "fine" for a while till he figured out he is now different and the only kid in his class with no dad. As time went by, he adjusted to the situation and clings to his dad's "things"; shitrs, books. I had a discussion with him one night just to let him know that I know he is just as confused as the rest of us are and that the door is open for him to say whatever is on his mind.
open communication is very important when you have quiet kids. There is a lot going on in their little minds that will need to come out someday.

Sorry for your loss.
Maggie

Many schools have a group called "Rainbows" where they help children deal with loss - it may be a parent, grandparent, etc. If they don't have one ask if they might consider it. My daughter attended one at school.

Many children also don't want to hurt the surviving parent. It may be hard for your son to open up to you or even other adults. Perhaps you can find a support group with children his own age.

Maybe you could create a photo album - talk about the things you all did together - or even write down stories.

My children did not express a lot of emotion - but there was often arguments over nothing and I knew we were all adjusting.

I don't know what to do...but I do know what "not to do." Here's why. When my husband died, my daughters best friends husband came over and told me that when he was a child, his mother died. His father never talked about it or cried or showed any sign of hurt. He learned from his Dad that it was "not" okay to talk about his Mom, even though he thought about her and missed her all the time. He hurt really really bad all alone. Then his Dad quickly remarried and the new step Mom took down all of his mothers pictures and everyone acted like his mother never existed. He really really secretly hated his father and his step mother. He still to this day...as a Dad himself struggles with how this all happened to him and he felt so all alone. He said "how could they...she was my Mommy?"

It broke my heart to hear this. I have adult sons and grandchildren and I took it upon myself to talk about my husband whenever I thought about his....which was all the time. Every special day we did something together to honor his memory for the first couple of years too. I decided that because I am older, it was up to me to "teach" them how to grieve by example. It is not that I spent all of my time crying in front of them...and I did make mistakes trying to be too strong...but I did let them know that he was and still is a part of me and always will be.

My heart goes out to kids who believe that they have to be the adult now so their parent doesn't have to be alone in their grief...or for the children that do not feel like they have a safe place to grieve themselves. Children express grief in different ways than adults, but it is important to have pictures around so they can see them and talk about them when they want to.

And when you all bring someone new in your life....please do not "ever" let them try to erase the memories from everyone's mind by taking down all of the pictures. We do have to live in our present...but our past "IS" such a huge part of us and who we are too and if a new person has a hard time with that...then they do not really want "us"...but instead "their" version of us..... because like it or not...we all come with memories and a life before them...

big hugs to you and your son...
-Diana

Give us an update....Have had you and these kids in my thoughts

When my son was 13, his father died (we were divorced after 20 yrs). Not long after the death, my son was looking at photo albums and looking for pics of his dad. He found some that he wanted to have and he asked if he could. I said no, that they were my pics and I love them and he can look at the albums anytime he wanted to and that they would be his when I passed on. Some time later I was looking at the albums and saw that many of the pics had been removed. I never said anything to my son about it. At first I was angry, but then I understood why. He needed something OF HIS OWN that he could treasure as a remembrance of his dad. So, sad as I am about losing the photos, I know they helped my son in his grief. Maybe this could help your son....to have an album of his own. Blessings and best wishes.

My son was 18 when my husband, his father died, we have talked about Dave often in the family and done many things as rememberances, before I gave my husband clothes to charity I let the kids go thru dad clothes to see if there was anything they wanted to keep, even with all this my son seems to never have grieved, any grief if you can call it that is anger and it is directed at me usually as he blames me for his fathers death, my biggest concern is that if he does not reconcile his true feelings he will be stuck in anger and never get past the anger.

I only tell you this not because you have said anything about your child being stuck in anger but because I am afraid anyone who does not go thru the grieving process may get stuck in anger at some point and the anger will come out at the worst time.

If I could get my son to go to counseling I would, he is 20 yrs old now and I can not force him to go, I did take him to one session and he refuses to go again.

I believe that boys at the age of 12 usually shut down and keep a lot of things to themselves. That is the age my son stopped telling us what was going on in his life. I lost my dad when I was 10 and I really don't remember telling my mother how I felt. She started dating within a year and I really was mad at her for that. I know you can take him to counseling, but I am not sure he would want to go. I think you have to work with him on just everyday things before he will open up to you and tell you how much he misses his mom. May be playing sports, watching tv, etc. Hugs