Kathleen, I know it is a difficult decision. I had to consider a number of things when I updated my will after Cliff's death. One of them was the treachery of his sister, and another was the fact that our sons are both disabled. It's complicated, I did indicate that under no circumstances was my sister-in-law to benefit in any way by my death nor have any say or opportunity to become guardian of my sons. I knew it had to be simple and clear.

At one point in my legal career, before the probate battle with my SIL, I had worked for a probate lawyer. It wasn't my favorite point in my career. Anyway, I did learn some valuable lessons. One is that your will needs to be simple and clear - no ambiguity. The second is that if it is questioned or challenged in court, that you want it to be as straightforward as possible. It is not useful to put in, for instance, 5,000 words about why so-and-so is a terrible person, or put jokes in your will, or whatever. Remember it is a legal document, and any challenge will be interpretted by legal minds. If there is more you wish to say upon the reading of your will, record a video or write a letter and specify that it be read after your death.

It is important that if there are specific bequests that those be listed. Otherwise, the language needs to be clear that whoever the executor of your will is will have absolute authority to decide and disburse things.

The best way to do all of this is with legal advice. Yes, you can handwrite your will or buy a form at Office Depot, but it really is worth it to talk to a professional who is current on the laws. Lawyers will alkso tend to have notaries handy to witness your signature, among other things which is required.

Kathleen, as far as your daughter is concerned, I would leave her $100. That way there is no dispute that you "meant" to leave her some other portion of your estate, and your son should not be hassled for what you "meant" to do. That's just my thoughts on that, and shouldn't be taken as legal advice. Truly, an hour with an attorney would be a good idea.

The other point that should be made is that you can change your will or add a codicil later if your circumstances change as far as your daughter goes.

When you are updating your will, you might also want to think about who will have the authority to make medical decisions for you and have that put in writing (that's a separate document). If you do not trust your daughter, that is something you might wish to do, too, to make it clear who will have that responsibility and authority.

As far as what the Lord thinks, only He knows. I am reminded however that it is a Commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother...."

Just my spin on this for whatever it is worth.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

That would definitely be a difficult decision, especially as a mother i wouldn't be too happy with a daughter like that either, but they are our children and its hard to play favourites even though they hurt us with their actions at times. Maybe your Daughter is hurting too, and is acting out?
If you are needing to rewrite your will maybe you could leave most of it to your son and just leave your daughter a portion that you would deem to be fair for her, maybe a 70/30 split. Just a suggestion.
I personally wouldn't worry too much about what god thinks, but what you could live with comfortably in your own conscience is how i would deal with it anyway. Sometimes as a parent we have to take the high road, even when it goes against our grain.

Same with my daughter....my 3 kids are 47,46,43. .....2 have very expensie homes, inground pool, expensive vehicles. while the oldest son divorced twice, ripped of everything.they don't want my house, and will probably have it bulldozed down.....but I want to leave house to oldest son, as long as he has don all the work on it anyway.....but I love my children equally. I really need to redo my will also, but don't know what to do. my ndaughter will have to live with the way she has treated me,but I wn't be drug down . I will be equal in my love....

I leave both my girls equal shares, although one daughter, the engineer, knows how to manage finance better that the second one (business major). I am giving away everything, jewelries, furniture to them when I am living and selling off properties so there will be no argument between them later. I don't need things anymore. Strangely they don't seem to want any of them.

If your daughter has children, you could will something to the grandchildren to get the money when they are 21 or older. My daughter do not think 21 is mature enough to get the money and request that the grand kids to get the money at 25 instead. Talk to your lawyer to see what is best for you. Take care.

Just my 2 cents tossed in.

I believe we do and should love our children equally. But when it comes our treatment of them...I vote for "fair" vs "equal".

Equal doesn't always = Fair.

Yes, a wayward child will resent not having an "equal" share...but an always responsible, there-for-you child, who does all the work, etc...will have every right to resent not being treated FAIRLY.

It's a tough call, isn't it?

No, God will not be upset with you, he knows you aren't going to keep it. I would talk with a lawyer though and write in to a statement the disparity reasons. It can be done in a kind non-judgemental way that will be taken into consideration, should it be contested. In some States, a will can be contested afterwards by an unequal share. So some planning in a statement may help. Funny things happen with siblings after parents both pass. After seeing so many fights with in my husbands family as well as those of others close to me. Between the have and have nots, the doers and the sliders.
I think the best thing was when my own Mother went through a 60 plus Lawyer and laid it all out. She sent a copy to each that were not in present of the moment. Who would and would not administer funds, details of the service and our roles were included...But she was that way. The only thing that we were given choice of, was flowers, and those were to be a minimum. She said her garden was us. She was also just diagnosed with cancer(small cell) and wanted all 7 of us to know her intent. It removed the basis for any arguments, following her passing. We were left with the knowledge that she wanted the only thing for us to feel, was that of losing a parent. BTW, I plan on being just that explicit when the time comes.

This is one I am struggling with. No family, wanted to leave all to charity but there is so much fraud going on in these organisations.I think myself round in circles.......

Wow, quite a variety of thoughts. This is great to have many points of view. I did have a lawyer draw up my will every time it has been done and redone. One thing I think that is in favor of leaving most of my estate to my son is that my daughter's behavior has been consistent for over 20 years. I do have a codicil listing various items that I have split between them as well as 2 separate savings accounts, one for each of them with my name on the accounts with IN CASE OF DEATH ownership going to them at that time. There are no minor children to consider either, as I am 67.

I really like maxine44's idea. Fair does not mean equal. I do want to be fair, not punitive. It is not fair for her to inherit land that my son has done all the work on. In the ways my daughter has been able to help me when I'm having surgery or loss of my husband, she has been absent. That is not fair to me. So on the flip side, it would not be fair to give her more than she deserves because there have been so many times I helped them and then later I needed help and she was absent from the scene. Consistently for 20 years.

Thank you all for your advice. It sure helps to have so many friends here who can give their experiences and recommendations.

I truly have much to think about, thanks to your help!!

I had a will drawn up about a month after my husband died because it was always our intent that both his children and mine inherit equally when we were both gone. We had not yet taken care of this legally and I wanted this to be done as quickly as I could to assure our wishes were carried out. All of the children know this is how it will be. I did leave my personal belongings to my two daughters. I think I have everything covered and it has brought me some peace of mind. Now if I can just get through settling my husband's estate.

Here's one tip my lawyer gave me. She put in a clause that says if my daughter contests my will and loses, then her share of my estate will be $1. That way, she knows she may not get anything if she contests. This is a wise decision for any of you that have children. Think about it. You want your will to be enacted as you intended. This pretty much assures none of the kids will contest it if they are to receive anything at all from the will.

Your will should be what YOU want it to be--nothing more and nothing less. If you feel your son and DIL should inherit what you leave then that's the way it should be. God knows our hearts--if you were to leave half of your estate to your daughter simply because you thought it was what would be expected or what you "should" do God would still know what was in your heart. Whatever you decide to do, do it legally, with a legal will, with exact instructions and no mistake about your intentions. If you choose to reward your son and DIL for being there in your darkest hour there is nothing wrong with that. Leave your daughter a small amount with a heartfelt letter telling her how much you love her and that you chose to respect her choice to distance herself from you and NOT be there--if she didn't want to be there in life then I would assume she doesn't need to "be there" after your death. That's not ugly and it's not petty--it's reality. What you leave your family is a gift, not a debt, it should go where your heart feels it should go and no where else.

i have no advise for you, only a hug ..
i am glad you brought this topic up - for me doing a will was a top priority, that i still have not addressed.difficult for me - but must be done.

a will is not valid until death. therefore you can change your will as many times as you want.....

Kathleen I'm sorry you have to make such a hard decision. For starters I just want to say that I am only 32 and I'm sort of in the same cituation as your son but a little more intense because my father has domentcha. I take care of my father about 4 to 8 hours a day. I have a half brother and a half sister. they are not his children but he always treated them like they were is own. my sister is a meth addict and she has done nothing but steel from him for drug money so she is not welcome at my home. My brother is a stingy greedy human being and he does nothing for anyone except himself. I even had to give him gas money to attend my wifes funeral. I ask my brother if he or his wife can help with my dad and he expects me to pay him. my father has a hundred acres of land and when he dies he thinks he is going to get a piece of the property. he will not see a dime of that money they never helped so they can rot. I hope this helped