Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
There are a few things I have learned not to say to a new widow/widower especially right after they lost their spouse.
" let me know if there's something I can do or call me if you need something" I was told this at the veiwing by quite a few people, and at the time did not know what I needed. Unless you truly mean it please do not say it. I know alot people just say it because they do not know what else to say, but from my perspective, a hug and I am so sorry would have meant so much more. A phone call or visit every once in awhile just to ask how are my kids and I doing, or just to listen to me vent would have been more helpful than anything else.
"Well he's in a better place now". I wanted my husband here with me, so to me being here on earth would be a better place. Please take the lead from the widow/widower., they might not feel like their spouse is in a better place no matter what the circumstances in which their spouse has passed.
"At least he did not died tragically". No my husband did not die from an accidental death, he died from a heart attack at age 47. But to my kids and I it was tragic. We still suffered a loss. Would I grieve any differently if he had died in a different matter? NO.
" I know how you feel, I lost my -------------." Unless you have lost a spouse or partner, you do not know how I feel. There is a difference between a spouse and a parent or sibling etc. Not that those losses are less important, but it is different.
" Well at least you have good memories of him" Yes I do, but it has taken me time to appreciate the memories,. At first memories were and still are at times like a double edged sword, yes they are good to have but they also remind you of what you lost.
These are just a few of the things I heard right after my husband passed away. I do know that most people truly do not know what to say to someone who just suffered a lost. Most do have good intentions. Maybe at one time before we became widows/widowers we were filled with good intentions also.
" let me know if there's something I can do or call me if you need something" I was told this at the veiwing by quite a few people, and at the time did not know what I needed. Unless you truly mean it please do not say it. I know alot people just say it because they do not know what else to say, but from my perspective, a hug and I am so sorry would have meant so much more. A phone call or visit every once in awhile just to ask how are my kids and I doing, or just to listen to me vent would have been more helpful than anything else.
"Well he's in a better place now". I wanted my husband here with me, so to me being here on earth would be a better place. Please take the lead from the widow/widower., they might not feel like their spouse is in a better place no matter what the circumstances in which their spouse has passed.
"At least he did not died tragically". No my husband did not die from an accidental death, he died from a heart attack at age 47. But to my kids and I it was tragic. We still suffered a loss. Would I grieve any differently if he had died in a different matter? NO.
" I know how you feel, I lost my -------------." Unless you have lost a spouse or partner, you do not know how I feel. There is a difference between a spouse and a parent or sibling etc. Not that those losses are less important, but it is different.
" Well at least you have good memories of him" Yes I do, but it has taken me time to appreciate the memories,. At first memories were and still are at times like a double edged sword, yes they are good to have but they also remind you of what you lost.
These are just a few of the things I heard right after my husband passed away. I do know that most people truly do not know what to say to someone who just suffered a lost. Most do have good intentions. Maybe at one time before we became widows/widowers we were filled with good intentions also.
You took this right from my heart, and I love how your response included the kids. I may one day get the nerve to just let someone know how I feel, I may just use your words. :)
Love
Cindy
You are so right on with the double edge sword. Smile then cry...i do that alot .
Thank you for posting this.
Peace & Love,
Nancy
Only one I could add to my list is "What Happened!" I struggle to see the blessing I was given in all of this and they expect details???
I never knew what to say but have learned they deserve no answer I just turn and walk away. Again, thank you for sharing. Love and Hugs-Jewley
Maggie