"The only difference is the grief." That's a pretty massive difference. I think most people continue on with their daily lives, afterwards, I did too, but for me it was a sham in the beginning. I think I asked (G-d, the universe, whoever was listening) "exactly what is the point here?" about 1000 times. And I still don't have an answer, save that apparently I'm not privy to it. But that's ok. Self-preservation (whether I felt like it or not) kept me going, and time and introspection did its thing as well. My advice? Don't think of living again as a goal. You are living - it's just that it's a matter of perspective and perseverance - and struggle. Please, Fuchsia, I'm hoping you don't take this as patronizing, because I know in the early days I sometimes felt comments from those further out were just that. It's not. I'm not. Marsha

I don't take it as patronizing at all. I appreciate the thoughts.

When you step into cancer land it puts your whole life on hold. Then somehow after we are supposed to return to life. I don't feel like I have. I feel like it is a total sham. But maybe this is living. I don't know what the point is. I used to think I did. Is the point to living just making it through every day? Is that what everyone else is doing and I am just not seeing it? I have been so afraid to embrace life again that I have seen living as something that I am not doing. Living seems scary. But maybe I accidentally am without realizing it? Is surviving the same as living?

Ask for guidance when you pray. That's all I can say. I know that life of in human form is a learning ground for the soul. Each of us are here for a reason, whether it is to learn about compassion, self-love, to reconcile with someone else... life is an unfolding scene. People and things will appear when the timing is right...

Just my unorganized thoughts... I don't know anything more than anyone else.

Breathe in, breathe out, yes, that is living. What you are talking about to me was thriving vs. surviving. The first two years I felt like I was clinging to the edge of a cliff, about to fall over it at any moment. I was surviving, but barely. And guess what? That was all I could do and looking back, it was quite the accomplishment. Thriving, enjoying living, took quite a bit more time, and happened almost without me noticing it. I just pushed a little harder, tried a little more, made myself a little uncomfortable in the process. Eventually I hit a new place where I was actually living again. A different life, but thriving nonetheless. It takes a lot of time. Like Marsha I don't want to come across as patronizing, just my journey.
Hugs,
Val

I saw a good point in your question. A lot of people who are not grieving are just going through the motions. So are a lot of us. A lot of literature sort of expects us to suddenly go skydiving or something and that would be living. I think going through the motions is a good accomplishment on some days. A friend told me early on that some days you need to get through the day. Some days you need to get through each minute. Looking back 8 months, that was the best advice I got. That would be my definition of living. I was a cancer caregiver, too. There is no good way to lose somebody, but cancer is exhausting. Let yourself rest as you need to and do thing as you feel like it.

I like the thought of surviving vs thriving. I am so not thriving! But I do survive each and every day. It doesn't look like what I am used to calling living. But I guess it is.

I certainly don't feel like I was living as Rob died. That was pure survival. And endurance test. It feels like it has been 3 years since I truly lived. Since I walked into cancerland. I am now past the anniversary of that day and I feel like its time to leave cancerland behind. Maybe as a cancer caregiver I have recovery to do from that. Maybe it isn't just the patient that recovers, maybe their people need to as well.

I found a counsellor. I am hopeful that it will be a good experience this time. I hope she can help me sort all this out.

I know movies are essentially just entertainment and sometimes not even that. But in the movie Castaway, Tom Hanks character makes the statement that he reached a point where he knew he need to stay alive and keep breathing, because you never know what the tide might bring in for you. I didn't do this line justice but the meaning is there.
We have to keep breathing and moving forward even on those days it seems that we are only going thru the motions because we don't know what tomorrow may bring. My faith tells me that we will come out the other end much stronger and completely different than we were before. Some will find new abilities they never knew they had. Some will discover a new level of compassion and empathy for others. And certainly there will be those at a place on the path we were, looking to us for help and support like a lot of folk were in the beginning.
I know to some it may sound like a cliche but there is a purpose for all this other than it being the hard part of living, loosing someone.
I just keep praying and moving forward until....

Take care.
Peace, Tim

Tim, (I believe) you are exactly right when you say there is a purpose to all this...I am a big believer that everything we know, and everything we are, is more than just an "accident of the primordial soup."
That suggests an "Intelligent Design" in the universe...or the shorter word, which more and more people in this world are scared of these days...is "God."
An example of that dichotomy can also be found in a movie, and that movie may be watched on the internet free of charge...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5EPymcWp-g

My dear sweet lady, I know exactly what you mean... its called losing our soulmates.. it just gives life a different meaning, not always bad, but sometimes seems like no good is coming out of ths thing called life. But it will happen rather you participate in life or not, so Im starting to choose to participate more Time doesnt always heal, but it does allow us to accept the things we can not change.. I hope sometime youll start to feel a bit more peace, and maybe even some happiness. When people use to tell me that, i wanted to kick them in their ass, but now.. I do believe they were right, I am now starting to find a little happiness in the little things for now.. Much love and big hugs carla

Oh I want to kick people who want me to be happy! Seriously people, I lost my love. I can't seek happy right now. I can't make it happen. But what I can do is accept it if it finds me. Those moments of joy are a gift. But one cannot create joy out of sorrow. It doesn't work that way.

Honestly, living for me right now is exactly how it was when I was in my early 20s before I met Dan with the one exception of having a college aged daughter that I can spend time with. I do have more responsibilities, such as taking care of a home etc...but the feeling of being by myself is there.

Hi Carla. I couldn't agree more with your comment. People said Time will heal. So I was like: Okay, come Time. I'm waiting for you. Do your thing. It's not Time. It's the sheer Hell we go through processing the deepest fears, emotions, pain, loss, grief and 100 other bad ways to describe this place we reside in at the moment. The process of working through it takes a long Time. That's what helps you. Not Time. So last week when I got to the 9 months mark and I hadn't been released from my inner Hell, I nearly crashed and burned. No it's not Time. And I want to sock-em-in the jaw when someone says that.

But yesterday on reflection, I had a good week. That's New. Because I know I've gone from working in minutes, to hours, to days, to weeks. That's changed. But some days we're back to minutes. :)

Take care dear friends.
Xx
Yolanda