Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Good Lord, this is going to sound ungrateful, but you are the only people to whom I can voice this. I'm coming up on 4 months since Sam passed away, and my grieving is still strong, my recovery still slow. But I'm okay with that.
I am so very appreciative of friends who call and say things like "I just took a loaf of walnut bread out of the oven. Why don't you walk up to my place and have a cup of tea?" ... or "Would you like to go for a coffee?" ... or "I'm running out to the grocery store; do you need anything?"
But I'm starting to lose patience with others. Even if I weren't grieving, I'd turn down the offer to go on a blind date with the acquaintance of a friend. I would not agree to the suggestion "Hey, let's take off to New York City for New Year's Eve!" And I most definitely wouldn't be interested in going to a holiday booze-fest at a local bar.
What's with these allegedly good-intentioned friends? What don't they get about "I'm still grieving" ?? I'd sooner be cocooning at home than going out on some of their escapades.
I'm speechless at some of the offers. Has anyone else had this situation? And if so, how can I respond? So far, I've put on my manners and simply said, "I'm not quite ready for socializing yet." But the truth is I'll probably never be ready for some of these suggestions!
I am so very appreciative of friends who call and say things like "I just took a loaf of walnut bread out of the oven. Why don't you walk up to my place and have a cup of tea?" ... or "Would you like to go for a coffee?" ... or "I'm running out to the grocery store; do you need anything?"
But I'm starting to lose patience with others. Even if I weren't grieving, I'd turn down the offer to go on a blind date with the acquaintance of a friend. I would not agree to the suggestion "Hey, let's take off to New York City for New Year's Eve!" And I most definitely wouldn't be interested in going to a holiday booze-fest at a local bar.
What's with these allegedly good-intentioned friends? What don't they get about "I'm still grieving" ?? I'd sooner be cocooning at home than going out on some of their escapades.
I'm speechless at some of the offers. Has anyone else had this situation? And if so, how can I respond? So far, I've put on my manners and simply said, "I'm not quite ready for socializing yet." But the truth is I'll probably never be ready for some of these suggestions!
They just can't grasp the fact that I have lost my reason for living. It can't be found in a club.
It is amazing how clueless other people can be, isn't it? Don't let it get to you.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
Six months later, a co-worker offered to fix me up with a blind date. I just smiled. In my silence I thought this was absurd. I replied, "I not ready for that. It's too soon for me."
People close to you want to help. They don't know how. I discovered when you tell people "I''m not ready for that", that they will hold respect to what you are going through, and back off some.
Of course I can explain it, but it doesn't make it easier to deal with, especially when they are pushy.
People who have not lost a spouse to death have nothing to relate our grief to. They do not mean to be hurtful or thoughtless. (At least most of them don't.) Because they cannot relate to this particular loss they really don't know what to do to help. They offer us what they think will help, even when they are 100% off base.
Those who have been divorced, lost a parent, a sibling and even a child have experienced great losses but a DIFFERENT type of loss. What was helpful to them may not be helpful at all to us because of the huge differences in losses.
You are not "slow" to heal. Grieve when you need to and treat yourself with the up most kindness. Do what is right for you.
People try to help but some are very misguided. They have no clue because they have never walked this walk.
Many hugs to you and many wishes for comfort and peace.