Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I'm having such a difficult day my friends. Anxiety is taking over me completely. I have even started experiencing migraine headaches for the first time in my life...and I'm doing it to myself. I'll have a day where I'm fine and I can function and pretend that life is sort of normal. Then a bad day suddenly hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel like I'm right back at day 1. i don't know how to function without him. I don't know what to do without him here. I don't know how to stop this constant sadness and this pain. It never leaves me. It overtakes me. We had a whole lifetime to spend together. Now he's gone and everything is different and I can't overcome this sadness. He was my rock and he helped me through everything difficult. i feel like everyone that said they were there for me and would help me through this, has now disappeared. I think maybe they're sick of my mood swings and my sadness and crying. So here i am trying to fight on my own. Trying to make life normal again for myself and my three year old little boy who wants his daddy back. And I don't know how! I feel so useless and so helpless and so all alone. I am stronger than this. I have always been. I've gone through SO much in my life, including a ton of close losses and a diagnosis of multiple sclerosis. I have managed to stay strong through the years of my husbands kidney failure and dialysis. I fought right along with him. And now when I most need to be strong, I can't find my strength anymore. My doctor gave me a RX for Xanax and I still haven't gotten it filled. It's a combination of fear of taking it and finding the energy to drive it to the pharmacy. I keep saying, maybe tomorrow. I of all people know better than to push anything off until tomorrow. But still I wait. What the heck am I waiting for? A miracle? Brian to come back to me so I won't have a need for medication to calm my nerves? Maybe. I don't know anymore. But I do know that I'm sick of this new life and I'm sick of doing every little thing on my own and I'm sick of having to adapt to a life that doesn't include my love. Am I the only one that wants to scream at the top of their lungs about how unfair this is!? Any words of advice? I'm drowning. Please help me to come back up for air.
You've fought for your husband and now you're depleted for you, right? Is that what I'm hearing? Take the xanaax (just don't overdue it). You need to grasp at any lifeline that's there - be it medication, us here, any friends and family that will listen, a sunrise, your kid's laugh, a spider's web, a bird singing, a sign from your husband, a good night's sleep - anything and everything.
Your strength is there, Meg, believe me. It's in you. It will take time, but it's there. Hugs, Marsha
I rarely suggest to anyone to take any form of drug as I
have no drug history. Also, I always thought I was totally
invincible throughout my life and never gave any type
of drug assistance any consideration for anything.
I have just passed the 9 month mark. The anxiety / panic
attacks started in a very mild for me around the beginning
of month 3 more or less. I did not recognize them. Shock
was wearing off but it was replaced with something even
more harsh ( reality ). With shock, I shed tears constantly
but my brain was at least numb most of the time.
Reality ( with some shock still there ) was almost more
than I could bear at times. I was in a state of shock +
reality for about two or so months and then fear joined
the group. Fear of what ? I didn't know. I didn't fear death
as there were times I welcomed it as long as I didn't have
to do it. I hoped many times that I would simply go to bed
and go to sleep and never wake. Pain, Pain, Pain.
I finally figured out it was fear of the future without her. I
can take care of myself financially and do remember to
bathe and do remember to occasionally have a meal but
it is the absolute fear of knowing she will never walk by
me again or hug me or tell me she is proud of me or
simply say, " I Love you. ". It is fear of facing a life without
her. Big things, little things and everything in between.
A couple of months ago, the shock wore off and now it
is a battle between and amongst reality, fear and the
new one of " acceptance ". That new one is related to
reality but I have learned they are different. I am refusing
to accept her passing even though I start the day each
day without her and know in my heart ( and somewhere
in my exhausted brain ) that she is not coming back. I
just cannot yet bring myself to just accept it. The thought
of accepting it just scares the hell out of me. I know it is
not the same and is not even related but to me, it is akin
to divorcing her. That may not make sense to anyone but
it is the way my damaged brain is working at present.
About a month or so ago ( around the 8 month mark ), I
began to experience serious anxiety / panic attacks. At
first, I thought I was having mild heart attacks and
basically decided I would just ignore them. I know it is
not logical but I thought, " Who would care ? ".
I couldn't breathe and my chest severely tightened as
I was rising from bed one morning. Then it happened
the next morning and then again that night. Every time
it happened in the first few days, I could not physically
move. Then the headaches started but only in the
mornings.
But I also noted each anxiety / panic attack was followed
immediately by a super roller coaster of all emotions as
mentioned above and a new miserable feeling that makes
me feel I am entirely helpless. Helpless to the point I feel
I cannot tie my shoes or brush my teeth or whatever.
So I went to see my physician almost three weeks ago. He
is a cardiologist I have known for many years ( high blood
pressure ). He was also my wife's cardiologist and knows
my situation. He also suffers from anxiety / panic attacks
but for different reasons.
He prescribed 1MG Xanax for me. I didn't want to take it
but he told me how to take it and when to take it. I do not
take it each night. If I feel an anxiety / panic attack is in
the making at night, take the little blue pill one hour
before I go to bed. It begins to work within about
30 - 45 minutes and that is about the time the
anxiety / panic attacks begin. Those situations are
now reduced to two or three a week more or less.
When taking one, I am very calm but aware of
everything and I continue to light candles and sit
and write letters to my wife about our 30+ years
together. The 1MG Xanax lasts for about 2 - 3 hours
but I am already asleep by that time.
I have not yet taken the little blue pill when I awake in
the mornings and I am still battling with anxiety / panic
attacks to start the day almost every day. They are almost overwhelming at times in the mornings but I am trying to
battle them with will power and reasoning. Time will tell
if I am successful with my approach in the mornings. I
am still working and need to try to focus on the day each
work day if I am going to survive.
My energy level is about 5 on a scale of 1 to 10 regardless
of the volume of sleep. It is my brain that is not getting the
rest it needs.
I agree with you on the " new life ". I quit using the word
" hate " many years ago but it has now been restored in
my vocabulary with regard to even remote thoughts of my
" new life ". I hate my " new life " and refuse to utter the
words. . I am in limbo. I can't get my " old life " back
despite the fact memories are prominent in my brain with
endless thoughts of every aspect of our 30+ years
together. People are carefully telling me I have to " move
forward " and I have to " adapt to a change " and on and
on it goes. People are telling me that I am not going to
realize progress in my " grief journey " unless I make an
effort " accept change ". There it is. Acceptance. That is
the one thing I am avoiding but I know it is just hanging
around waiting for me to embrace it or whatever.
I wish ( I truly,. truly wish ) I had all of the answers for you
and for everyone else on this site. But I have never been
down this road before. There are times I feel I am crawling
and other times I feel like I am moving at the speed of
sound down this road. But it is all the blackest darkness
ahead of me as far as I can see and I cannot see the
curves or the sudden turns that we encounter on all
roads we travel. I don't even have headlights for this very
scary road.
Family, co-workers and friends are busy with other
things in their lives. I am just the " widower " that is
always sad. I don't hate the word but I do not like the
word ( widower ). I have been called many things in my
life but that is one I never thought would apply to me
under any circumstance. Never crossed my mind.
I am depending upon my faith ( and a 1MG Xanax
now and then ) and I am also still depending upon my
wife. Let me say this carefully as I don't want anyone
to think I have gone over the edge. I know she
loved me and it was truly unconditional love and it was
unlimited. Somehow, when I light candles near her
photos at night and sit at my kitchen table and write
letters to her in my journals about everything I can
remember over 30+ years ( even the smallest details ),
she is helping me. I am staying connected with her
despite the fact I know she is not coming back.
I met a woman in a grief group about two months ago
that has been doing exactly the same thing with
memories of her husband and he passed five years
ago. She is a university professor. She told me she
believed her writing kept her from losing her sanity and
I fully understood her. It is the only way I know to move
down this unfamiliar " new road " ( instead of " new life " )
that I am traveling at present. I am just taking memories
of her with me.
This is likely a longer reaction that you anticipated but
I am hoping it is helpful to you.
Blessings -
Darrell
"SERENITY COMES WHEN YOU TRADE EXPECTATIONS FOR
ACCEPTANCE."
Serenity is defined as calmness, tranquility, peaceful.
This is the most traumatic event you have experienced. However, we all have to eventually accept that our spouse is gone, and today is the first day of the rest of our life. The grief journey is a long, hard one, but the needs of your child can help you find the strength to make it through.
We have all had to "adapt" to this new life. It isn't easy, but you can do it. Try a local grief support group, a grief counselor, read books on surviving loss of a spouse etc. Wishing you peaceful days.
Hugs,
Doye
They are highly addictive and the withdrawals from these types of drugs is horrendous and it takes quite awhile to go through them.
Everyone grieves differently but I do know one thing, if we look to God for our strength rather than trying to deal with it in our own, He will provide the strength you need to get through it, there is no way I could handle the loss of my husband in my own strength. This link has alot of God's promises for believers to claim. I meditate on them day and night and trust God to honor them, He always has and I know He always will, I have been trusting Him in all things for over 35 years now, He may not be able to deliver you from what you are going through but He will give you His peace and confidence to get through it if you trust Him to. https://hopefaithprayer.com/scriptures/comfort-during-grieving/
I wish I had some useful advice- but at times, I am not doing any better than you.
I have tried Xanax. I still have a partial script in my medicine cabinet- but I haven't taken any for over a month. The danger of addiction is mitigated by taking them as your doctor prescribes.
Please know that many people here care and understand. I know you feel alone right now- but you are not.
With Love,
Robyne
I find the anxiety to be the worst part of this. Some have a little more intense anxiety than others. Mine gets pretty intense, so I have to wait too, I always wind up going eventually.
If I don't wait, I have a terrible time concentrating out in public, I'll even jump every time someone comes up and passes me from behind, that just adds more anxiety on top of what I already have.
You'll even out in time and the xanax will help.I take low dose Celexa too. Nothing wrong with that and you'll learn to be patient with yourself more. Most, if not all of us, in reality, feel like we are going through this alone. It stinks and I hate it. Sorry for the loss of your husband, hope you feel better soon.
I think Darrell said my words exactly. I was am still afraid of a future without Lyn. She was the business minded one and in reality the more mature one. I probably depended on her more than I should have and so now I have a deep seeded fear of not having her for the rest of my life but also of the possibility of living alone for the remainder.
This time last year I began to have panic attacks and was put on Xanax and Buspar for anxiety and the attacks. It had started working and then this happened with Linda. So added to the already attacks I developed a new series of them. I have stopped taking the medication just because I don't sleep and I am alone. I don't trust taking anything right now for me until someone else is around. Not suicidal just don't want any accidents happening trying to get sleep. I may see about looking into something not as strong.
But like you I was just thinking today about getting tired of every little thing I do and decision I make it's all on me. No one to share it with. No one for a partner to problem solve with. As much as I depend upon my faith to get me thru, I just don't see doing this single thing for the rest of the time I have here. I know Linda would not want me to be alone and I believe in my heart that God will bring someone into my life to share it with. We have to just hang on some how and not loose hope. Please take care.
Peace, Tim
It seems our journey is closely shared in that quite a few of us are at the same place. I have experienced the same feelings and panic and been advised by the doctor to take meds. Working with nurses and doctors the pressure to resort to meds is also quite high.
My brother warned me though that when he came off the pills his grief was right there waiting for him, just where he left off. So I am scared about it. The doctor explained I need to increase the serotonin levels, so I think I will rather try to do something natural to boost it. I'm still researching but that's the idea.
It's just great to know I'm not alone in my experience and that in itself is a great comfort.
Thanks to you all for your posts, your sharing, your courage and underlying strength that you're not aware of yet it shines through despite the obvious despair in your writings.
Love, strength and courage to you all. Keep the faith!
Xxx. Yolanda
I rarely take any pills for anything, but I asked my doctor for something to help with anxiety when I first realized what those feelings were. she gave me the lowest dose of Atavin there is. I have taken them a few times, but only when I was in a situation where I really could not deal with anxiety. I found that having them in my purse helped me to work through the anxious moments without taking them.
And don't worry about being "strong". Many people told me I was so strong, and it drove me nuts because I sure didn't feel that way. I also didn't really understand why strong was judged as a good thing. Much has been written about the strength it takes to feel your emotions and to get through the basics of life in these early day. So "strong" is all in how you define it.
So be gentle with yourself.
Peace and love,
Kate
Ignore the advice from people who have'nt walked this road. You are dealing with your grief and adapting to your changed life. You are doing that each and every day in the best way you can and sometimes just getting through the next 5 minutes is enough.And what you are doing is enough. You are enough.